Monday, April 12, 2010

Mama, just killed a man......

Spring is here, and I am super grateful beyond measure. I am still experiencing some growing pains. Itchy belly. Unsettled matters. Waiting for their vacation to end. I have had a very busy weekend, lining up jobs, figuring out a better schedule. Working smarter, not harder. Sounds pretty easy right? Don't sweat the small stuff, cause it's all small stuff. Encouraging others when trudging through a valley. Oh, and those reality checks. Yeah, those things are a bummer. A true kick in the pants. What do you do? Half the time I emulate my Thursday routine. Keep my head down and just do the work. I'm not working for any one elses benefit other than my own to a point. not that I'm not a team player, but keeping my focus on staying on track. These days are long and hard. When I look off my page and see every one else being able to "prove" their work, I worry. Sometimes I remember that I won't get there "on works alone." I realize quickly, that others paths are from their own doing, and no matter how lovely their work looks, some of their work had come through shortcuts and following their own desires in a dangerous manner. I am glad. I am. Glad for the days I can cut out and stay outside with B and the dogs. Rub sunscreen into our skin and hang out. Plan a hike with him. Cry in church with him. Actually have a person I can rely on to take me to church and ACTUALLY be there. Realize how important "how we lay the foundation" will help us in the long run. We don't understand the plan. I continue to ask God not to let us wait too long. God's intentions are always good. No matter what. In all reality, B may not have a job soon. Or we may have to wait until next year for him to have gainful employment. With that being here nor there it is hard to find joy where God wants us to be. I am thankful for the perspective and discernment God DOES deliver. We have to be patient enough to endure. Taking shortcuts will not get us anywhere any faster, and our own selfish hearts cry out to God. Our comfort? Is we have each other. To rely on. To help each other. Not many folks I know enjoy that about their partner. My own parents don't help each other half the time, and it makes life hell for both of them. I won't go back. Do you understand? For me, this difficult time is a great time in our realationship. No matter what I have endured or lived through, I had the luxury of understanding. That if I do get married again, even to B, who is a helper seen in his characteristic, I won't invest myself into chains again. No more emotional battles and stomach aches of trying to please a soul who has (interest) only in themselves. Love just does. Lust lies in wait. Desire flickers. Love is resilient. Half hearted is lazy. Love goes the extra mile, and never makes you feel guilty. The positives outweigh the negative. Take away money. Take away drinks. Take away just having to. Add care. Add compassion. Add another Indian girl but don't give up. B just told me that the best part of him not having a job, has been being able to spend with me. That very statement makes me very happy.

Our church service was so great yesterday. We attend a huge church that I have not been very open to. Instead of having ill feelings toward it all though, I have started praying pretty randomly at that, for God to prepare my heart. Soften me. Let me hear him. Give me the compassion to open up. And He has. the music is contemporary and hard for me to get into. There are around 150 to 300 people at every service. The pastor spoke directly to me yesterday. The pastor has a new series called "Help, my family's crazy" type thing. (Series will last till Mother's Day.) It hit me hard. Learning forgiveness, staying in church, stepping out of old behaviors. I cried all the way through it. Sometimes I feel so vulnerable telling you all this on my blog, but it's all the truth and weighing very hard on me. I suppose the point of telling you this is, even though B and I cant move forward, even though we are going to a church that I didn't think I would ever start enjoying is we have already taken many leaps of faith and I think we have started to see the beginning of the fruit of our labor. It may be longer, oh but it may not be. God is good, and the wait will be worth all the effort.

I feel like a bride counting down the days to her wedding.

If you want to know more about the series, I will gladly email the information and help any way I can.

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