Saturday, September 26, 2009

Matters of the Heart

Today has already been a trying day. Nothing trivial about the dogs, or how I created any schemes....... Hardly. I'm really angry today. And probably at you. So there. There's not any comfort anyone can really offer me right now. Understand? There is not a person alive who can soothe me even just an inch. There may never be with the way I feel right now. I am praying diligently. I am praying for miracles. I am not angry with God.

Ronny French died unexpectedly yesterday. I am tore up. He is my neighbor. His wife was my elementary school principle. Oh, and these people mentioned above, are my family. He had such uncontrollable diabetes that apparently killed him. Well, it was complications from diabetes. Did you hear me? Diabetes!!!! What an incredible example of how your body can hold you captive. And kill you. This is why I freak about food a lot of the time. I GET reality. I look at my family history. I understand what I come from. I may never forget this, one day we were sittin' at the store playin' rook and Ronny was telling how he loved raw potato. Bertie Jean was cookin' some, and he grab a small piece. It made his blood sugar go through the roof. Really? A tiny piece of potato?

So the next time you think I am being silly about food and weight and all that jazz. Please think of Ronny French and try to have some understanding of my issue. It's painful. And I won't ever relax about it.

Another thing, stop being so fucking pissy with your partner. If they are fucking up, you need to talk to them about it. The issue will not resolve itself, and some don't have the luxury you have to express the way you feel to your partner. If you're not strong enough to tell your partner, call your Pastor. He or she would be glad to help you. That's the end of that rant. And please take those words to heart, I don't have the gumption to keep that little cookie in any longer. Alright?

Grow up.

If you can't tell, I am in a raw dog mood. It's not puppies and sunshine today. I'm elated about it too.

Another thing, Mama is on my nerves, and she doesn't even know it. She started in on how she wants Daddy to sell the farm. Oh, don't worry about me, she told me! She and Daddy would buy me a little house! (This is sarcasm, in case you were wondering.) Being a burden isn't easy as you all can gather. It's not very fun, it's not very pleasant to be involved in either. What to do now? Just let everything fall down around me? Surrender to having nothing? Again? She reminded me that people start over all the time, and later in life. Oh really? Do those folks have a support system in place? Because I feel like mine is falling apart to my ankles like a shot pair of pantyhose.

Would it matter I feel like things are coming to blows in cataclysmic proportions? Would it matter if it does shatter? What next? I'm asking you. And your opinion, WHAT NEXT?

I'm sorry if any of this has hurt anyone's feelings. I'm sorry if it has made anyone's neck hot, and experience the swelling of your lips, and make them tremble. My apologies if the tears are hot on your cheeks. This is it though. This is me. So instead of being worried about me, believing I am negative,or thinking I'm too hurt, or too hot to handle, maybe the focus should be on yourself. And your scope.

Because actually, I'm just fine.

P.S. Sad over the Sox losing, but they continue on too. (Warriors!)

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