Wednesday, September 9, 2009

For Trouble, Dial V....

For vivacious. Oh my. Yesterday, was one hell of a day. Champ had diarrhea, he has this thing on his face called follicitous. It is bleeding. Consistantly. My child's face has to be scrubbed, and I know it hurts him, bc he makes eye contact with me the entire time so I smile at him, and hope he see's that I am not trying to hurt him. Just trying to help him. I also nod. Alot. That's one of our signs, that he is doing well. Ya know, cause he's deaf......

I terrified Champ in the middle of his diarrhea fit, and of cousre, he was trying to run off, but doing this, slip in the poo-Scooby-Doo style. He ran into his kennel. Champ was scrubbed from head to toe. This is not where the crying began.

This had taken place well before coffee also.

The crying began when I discovered I didnt have working water. The crying truly began, when my Dad reprimanded me for something I did and didnt have a second thought about doing said thing. That's the pennace I have for living on his farm I suppose.

Of course, I ended up crying to and on 3 grown men total, one which was accidental. One of the fellas that came to look at the well, a man I cut up with and is always silly with, said, when are you gonna start courtin'? A good lookin' woman like you? Well, ding! Ding!! The tears were a rollin'....... I know, I terrified 3 grown yesterday, well, make it 4, including Daddy. I can understand. If you have ever been in the middle of one of my colossal meltdowns, you would curl up in the fetal position.

I don't know what had me upset more, the fact I still rely on my Daddy like a child, I didn't know how to fix the water, or what it was. I felt helpless yesterday. That was mostly it. I just didn't know how to help myself.

What a bummer, huh? I hate that!!! Then, of course, with Facebook continually TRYING to dominate my life, this thingy, What God wants you to know thing, told me the thing I am most afraid of is the thing that will make me the happiest. Well, FB, are ya lookin' into the glass ball or somethin'? I get it. I dig the message too.

So Michael Myers will make me happy? If you say so. I ain't The Boss. Bruce Springsteen is.

That was a little messy. I am here and there as usual. P.S., my eyeballs hurt. I look like a alien. The heart of the matter? Bitter battles with allergies. Wishing for a Netti pot. Absolutely no use for mascara today. Boo. The rhythm may try to get me, but I think it's my body that will get me in the end.

Sometimes, self discovery is unbelievably helpful, unlocks so many closed doors. Other times, it shows us exactly what we are. To be blunt, I don't always like what I discover. Like yesterday, I was shaky, and traumatized. I found myself constantly praying, for all good things. I asked God to help me see the good, and not be so insistent to have things my way. Because, it never happens the way I want it to, and usually, I'm happy with those results. Hard work is tough, but it looks amazing on you. How will I recognize a good thing when it comes along? What if I pursue what looks good for now? What if, I am the reason life is so disappointing at times? Heavy, yeah. These are things I need to address to myself. I need to.

I have had a ton of hidden thoughts the past few weeks. Random, and about random folks, and random occurrences too. Like, I bet you're a cheatin' sob, and that's why it didn't play out. I am broken hearted, so that's why you didnt fit in my lifestyle. You should reinvent yourself. Just a little. I'm glad to spend time with you. I thought about what you were doing. Are they really happy? Why not? Blaming YOU, doesn't help ME get ahead. I cant focus on the negative, it takes away from the positive. I want to be published. I want to buy a new life. Lack of motivation cannot be blamed on others. I'm sorry I'm not there for you. She would hate me, through no fault of her own. Sometimes, I don't feel like sharing things with others, cause I don't want my ideas to be stolen. I look right through it, like a ghost. Is it awful to miss someone, even of you just miss the sex? Was it horrible that I wanted you, just to belong? Or to be with you to fulfill only my selfish reasons? Like just to fix my car? Why are you such a nerd genius, and why does it drive me to Insaneville? I don't want to want it either. But I do. Nothing personal. Stay objective. Try to stay objective. Just aggravated with the whole process. Noticed for a moment, Enticed for a lifetime. It may be more work than necessary. Magic action. Magic fingers. I wish to freeze my desire and then hopefully warm it up for the appropriate fire. I wish you read my words, and you would respond back. I wish I had bought that Bukowski book. I wish you would buy me that Badgley Mischka ring!!! It would shut the world up. I wish I could spoil others, and not secretly wish to be spoiled back. I wish you were here. I finally understand why he always said, he only missed me sometimes.

Relief is in my hand, I just don't know what to do with it. So much more in my head, unable to express it in a healthy manner. So, I'm going to work harder on that one neccesity for me to be in control without giving into negative thinking. Or negative actions.

I may have to lose control in order to maintain it. Does your head hurt? Cause mine is pounding!

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