Friday, September 18, 2009

Building a Mystery. Tearing it down. Starting all Over.

Do you think the cows at the market worry about how much they weigh when the farmer takes them to be sold? Like oh my gosh, I so shouldn't be chewing my cud!!! But here I am, and its soooooo good. (A minute on the lips, forever on the thighs.) Nah. I imagine it would be a non issue to them. So why worry?

I'm sick. I mean, I'm kind of sick. My throat is scratchy, I coughed like a demon in Terry's truck last night. I had to lay on his lap during 20 questions at Adam's. (Crib Delight!) That thing never guessed we were a Pussywagon....... I had fun anyway. The 3 of us also talking real gay last night. Totally. While I had my head stuffed in a High Times magazine. (Don't you judge me!)

Nose bleed? What nose bleed?

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

That verse has been my stronghold lately. I mean, what a hopeful verse!!! For years, I didn't understand the Bible, going to church all my life, I did struggle. Its nice to have some light shed, and actually understand why and what I believe that much more. That is hard to say too!!

Lots of thoughts lately. Am I hesitating to grow up? I wish, you could have been nicer. Even you had mentioned the agony of being a third party, friends with married folks, friends with children, it was all a big puzzle. Still, that doesn't mean shit. X + Y = Z. I'm sure, it's compromising. The position you hold. I woke up in the middle of the night and said out loud, you sure are lucky to be sleeping in the same bed with someone else. (It made me hold Champ tighter.) Attached, attacked, and so forth. The audacity of choking back the tears you so desperately fight to bring up into your pitiful tear ducts makes me want to slap you. BUT I DON'T!!!! (your welcome) The only thing that separates our realities is that they are only yours and mine are only mine. What's so bad about feeling good? Nothing at all. Please don't allow anyone to steal your thunder, claim it back, and sit on it. Fuck em. Free to pursue new ideas. A wealth of understanding. This is why discipline is so important along with my favorite word........ NECESSARY.

Act smart. Everyday. Let it be your new beginning and the end of your day. Remember to grip me close to you, because one day, it will all be over. We may not like it, but when we kiss...........FIRE. (Thank the Pointer Sisters.) I believe it is all worth the wait. The past few days have been nothing short of self-discovery and being able to allow my heart to open just a smidge. I may have been a liar, but not by my own fault. Now, by my own confession I told you. Not by you digging it out of me, since we all know how that would be a weak mission. Because I am so pigheaded and all. Making my head go round. I still continue to choke on my pride til it's blue in the face. Ignore that superficial part of myself. Sometimes, it's the only thing I have. Or the only thing I want to hold on to. Can you blame me? As it continues to be one of my stumbling blocks/stepping stones, and I adore it. I wear it like a feather boa, and beg you to look at me. Thank you.

If you cant lead a horse to water and force it to drink, than I am said horse. So who wants to play? Horse that is. For instance, I said I wanted to date, but then I wont. It is not appealing, and I only want to look good for myself. Self-love is important, but I adore Self-worship even more. Dating would remedy some issues, but it would cause a mess of them too.

So when should I drink the water?

I wasn't ready a year ago. 6. 7. 9 months ago. So am I ready now? Probably not. I am so wild at heart though, I can't help but have desire/satisfaction. And crave said two. Is it shallow? I imagine not. I am just a girl. A little Paula. Who's appetite will not be curbed until tasting something beautiful. Pure rapture. Abandon. Oh, and respect. Gotta have respect too.

It's tough to have my guard up so much. And more painful than I like to admit.
I'm such a crazy little filly I feel every bump in the road. I imagine there are folks out there who would covet my strong emotional ocean. I suppose an ocean couldn't even encompass those wonderful feelings either.

Guess who's still obsessed with fixing the little house she lives in? Me!!! I am still crazy for little pillows, and finding stuff on railroad tracks to add to my eclectic homestead. Crazy in love with my yard. I'm even crazy in love with the little yellow jackets. Just kidding. I hate those fuckers.Batten down the hatches!!! Bring it on!!! Hide in the storehouse. Lay on the floor. This is where I am. Still trying to improve here and there. Until more plans unfold. Things are happening. Changing. It's a good feelin'.

The PLN Plan. Soak in tub. Wallow in Vapor Rub. Rest. Drink some kind of wine. Oops. Or eat ice cream.

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