Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Devil came up to TN...

Dream with the devil. that was my dream last night. well, it was more of the dream I had when I slept between 5 and 630. i lived in a huge ridiculous house. i had many roommates. (unknown people) males, females. Champ and Tiger were in my dream. i was furious in my dream. the devil told me he had a hold on me. im fine though. just irritated by it. in a particular part of my dream the upstairs was huge and it looked like the sunporch at my house. there was a tv. a rug. a kitten. you could see the sun coming through the windows. the kitten was illuminated. the kitten was mean. the kitten in my dream actually turned into the devil. freak. sometimes good does turn into something bad. i wish i could let go of the guilt i bear. it holds me back. makes me sad. forces me to push everything out of my life. it has to be my way or no way. and this isnt healthy.

Forgive me. I just need time.

I pulled the paint off my 5 dollar sunglasses and held a warm washcloth all over my face. i felt somewhat better. my eyes are distracting today and not in a good way. not in a creative, come what may kind of way. my eyes are puffy from the dream. or how it made me feel. it made a nightmare. so im unsure what to do, i know to slow down.

if i could come visit, i would in a heartbeat. if it could all be different. i think i threw away the car insurance bill. she said its hard when you have no one to lean on. depend on. rely on. i made no certain eye contact with her. i think it was just fine the way it all happened. i wish those ghosts would find a new place to live. i wish.

i wanted understanding and it was sent. even though i was upset. even though i felt thoroughly alone. my purpose is misunderstood. all i ever wanted was to touch my toes in the water. even that felt impossible. i felt a dog bite which scared me. it was unfamiliar in a familiar place. i held back and it helped nothing. i went forward and was reminded why. it felt strange.

the weather is perfect and i find myself fearful. but its too cold. but i wont warm up. i bet i will. if i try. the intensity i create and am surrounded by, is hard to shoulder. i saw pictures of what i want, of what my great grandmother created for me. i was all not right now. now? no. not right now. Please listen. its just a whisper.

he packs for me. i sit on the bed and pull off my shoes. underneath the bed. it smells. everything does. and I want nothing to do with it. i want nothing to do with it. could we tackle the bathroom? why do we lack ambition all of a sudden? it was our dream. the dream held us back.

or the lack of attitude. its better. it is. so i dont care if you read. i dont. if you wanted more, you would ask for more. and thats the way it works. sorry.

i need a little more yes, than no. Comfort. nothing without you. revelation. answers. guidance. choices. grants. wishes. lost again. direction. failure. winner. lead me. dont leave me. move me. let me. help me. learn. get back home. i need you. i havent got a clue. big glossy bottom boat. clear water. boggy water. poor fish. i could do more, but i havent then time.

these are my eyes. look through them. on my face.

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