Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Once in a blue moon?

Reality bites. It just does. You know your perception of things and people you know. You might know one tidbit or two about them and automatically think, huh. I thought their existence was different than mine. Or, I thought they had it so good, and I had it rotten. Til the truth comes out. The truth is, it's more than okay to be damaged. It's more than acceptable to have a past. Living and learning from our mistakes is something we all have to do. It creates growth. Problems, promote strength. Difficulty makes us better. More refined. Most of the time it reminds us "not to do that again." Then there are the real "tough" ones. Oh, I can kick that. It's not a big deal. I dont have to be accountable. It's true. No one really has to ever take blame or really recognize the things they have done hurt themselves or others. It does feel good when you can finally face facts, but I also have vacationed to that place "denial" myself. Can it all be embraced and encompassed? Yes. I believe so. Even when the going gets tough.

It's true I miss someone. It's true I am a bit melancholy today. I am fortunate to have realationships with people who are supportive, no matter how hair brained a scheme I tend to pull. These folks are my searchlight when I am out in the bay, lost at sea. Close to home but utterly too far away.

I am very sleepy today. I honestly don't know how I feel today. This is going to have to be okay. I cant continue to hesitate to white wash things. I miss Terry. Badly. I think about the adventures we would go on. I missed his phone call Monday. I didn't call back. Why so insecure? I feel as if I don't fit in his life any more. It feels rotten. Mine and Terry's friendship was exactly what I needed when we reconnected. It is difficult to see it change. I am sure he feels the same way also, but not so dramatically as I see it. Oh no, not this performer. With that said, I feel like a house with open windows all exposed and shiz. Coming clean ain't so easy.

Motivation? Up and out. I woke up a little earlier to somehow to promote a feeling of optimism. You know the drill. To get a leg up. To feel human. To BE effective. It's all been a big joke though, or so it seems. I would rather be curled up somewhere in a cocoon and fighting it all out in my head. Very vivid dreams last night, but I cant remember a one of them. How 'bout that paradox?

It's confession time around here, so get ready. I want to be doing a lot more. I need to catch that fever I had. That wild unbearable fever that fueled me to a point I was dangerous. I have outlet. I see this. I also am craving validation. Is that so wrong? I expect more out of myself than what I am producing. My band wagon started out ferociously and now it dwindles as if I am using wet matches to light a fire. Life altering? More like lifeless.

Am I still moving as fast as I used to? Is everyone else moving so slow I seem like a blur? It sure feels the other way around. Walk a mile in someone else's moccasin's. Fight a battle of David and Goliath proportions.

My heart is heavy for B today. He understands stagnant waters. Hopefully I support him as much as he needs. I believe he would speak up. We drove up to his family farm yesterday. Even though it was freezing, even though it was windy, we walked a few minutes. Stood on the ridge of possibilities. Figuratively and physically. His family farm connects to my great aunt and great uncle's farm. Which is clever. God knows what to do. B and I stand a chance to inherit a great future. A progressive future. I am sure B and I will be ready when God thinks we need to turn that wheel. Provision is promised and I look forward to it.

Optimism is a good looking girl and I cant help but stare at her.

I am eating my morning cereal while I write this. My cereal is just about as animated as porridge, but it's full of protein and fiber. 2 things a person needs to feel full and encourage the mind to work together with the body beautifully. I always eat breakfast because if I don't I find myself mindless. Ready to eat cardboard. Eating hand fulls of chocolate. When I know better. My favorite part of not eating breakfast is the crashing. The headaches. The irritableness (not really a word) of it all. The foul mood which it promotes. I will continue to try harder and not eat all the leftover cookies and junk from the holidays. I should not ever feel that compelled. Nor that hungry and desperate for satisfaction out of eating things I truly have no desire to consume. Take off them judgement pants. It's unattractive.

So while everyday boredom eats away at my soul, I ask, how does Heidi Klum pull this shiz off? Oh yeah, she has a monumental support system at her demand. But wait P, so do you. My sickness is that I make a choice not to believe how reliable my support system is. I allow total destruction from within. The offender is inside. This is me trying to attempt to be reasonable and ask it to leave. In a polite voice also. I can try, right?

Instead of feeling numb and motionless. It's all too "Lawnmower Man" for me. Do you remember that movie? It had a bit of impact on me. All Sci-fi does that shiz to me anyway. Why is it so troubling to have eye watering smiles? It's worth it to be un-orthodox, full of life, vigor. I bet downright infused. Tasty even.

Instead of putting an ill fitted band-aid on this real wound, I pray for passion and commitment. I pray to be awakened in a way that will help these burdens feel somewhat manageable. Am I not ready? Who knows? I'm ready to be a functioning person of society. I willing party. Not the unwaning child who just doesn't wanna.

If you read this today, please comment. If only just a hello. I really don't need anything heartfelt, but please let me know you are there. Somewhere.


  1. "B and I stand a chance to inherit a great future."

    My favorite part.

  2. Ditto.

    Shout. Shout. Let it all out... These are the things I can do with out, come on... I'm talking to you... Come on....

    This is what was going through my mind. I love you and need to hear your voice ASAP. Call. Text. Messenger Pigeon. what eves.