Friday, July 31, 2009

What's So Important?

Have you ever intentionally not told someone how you really felt about your own life, afraid, of sharing your joy, or fear, or out and out shame? This may be where I am. I try very hard to examine where I am day by day. Sometimes, I am struggling to the point of not being able to breathe, torturing myself over things, I did, or did not do, or say. I am guilty of not letting it all out. Well, I am just as shocked as you. Some folks, take medications to help them, ease their battle, and they need this. To survive. Some go to therapy. Some, cry into their pillows, or listen to death metal, while clutching their cup of coffee.

I put myself into situations, sometimes, to see just how strong I am. Does good win over evil?

Will my heart go on? Is it made of stone? Do you miss me when I'm gone?

If you haven't guessed it, I feel pretty doggone vocal today. I miss all things, right and wrong.

It's difficult right now. I have all these things on my plate. Such as, combatting a farm that is slowly taking me over. I stared at the chainsaw in the little building outside Mama's and Daddy's.

I want to use it. I really do. But, I won't. It would be defying my Daddy. And, using Terry Wise's words, "If I had a daughter like you, I would lock her in the basement."

Point taken. You see, I have a spirit, of always trying much, much, harder. Being so hard on myself, I turn it into thinking other's are judging me. Which, couldn't be further from the truth.

I have too much to do before the fall. I essentially have 2 months, 2 1/2 month's, to really get things done. I am making all these lists. I look back at the summer, and discover, I haven't done half of the things, I wanted to invest myself in.

There are at least 3 notepads in my purse, a journal, almost full, and 1 book. The notes stuffed into my pillow, yes, my pillow, I wake up and write things down, and I don't want the dogs eating my precious notes.

I think, I am an old fashioned type of girl. To the utmost extent, yes, and to the polar opposite, no. My family, is the most important thing to me, and at the forefront of my life. I need them. It's almost, like, Daddy's surgery was a necessary event in order to facilitate my need to be needed.

Here's Paula..... letting you know, where I am.

Usually in left field. Struggling to hold on to every little quilt piece, in my eager hands. Of course, my other focus, is myself. I needed to learn how to do this. What I need, in order to survive.

I am a survivor. Brand me Reba Mclyntyre.

It's Friday, and with the weekend coming, I have tons to do. Vacuum, fold laundry, bathe dogs, trim dog nails..... dye hair, just to intensify my color, wax eyebrows, work out on ball, decide what things I need to bring to Tallapoosa next weekend.... Terry and I are adventuring tomorrow... If it's dry, we weed eat. For at least a little while. Sand cabinet? Good idea? Stain doors, even more excellent.

See Daddy.

Who moves to a rehabilitation place in Farragut possibly today. Yeah, Farragut. Boo.

I am a mess. But disguised as a beautiful Nymph, creating dreams, caressing your eyelashes, whispering nothing but amazing transfiguration of possibilities.

The prescription? The RX? Is doing more, proving, fighting tooth and nail to how close my life is coming together. Crazy not to care. Feed the pig. Smoldering fire. Speak your heart, and your peace. Find your inner circle. Beat necessary drums. Miss the ones you count on who allow your life to be normal.

Am I more than you bargained for? You bet your sweet ass I am.
Voyage alone? Not really....

My sailor, whatever, the means, will come to shore.... (more nautical terms.....LOVE AFFAIR!)

My mind is very open today. Yesterday, I felt very selfish, and didn't want to share anything about my day. Horrible huh? Terry and I did see a beaver yesterday, and it probably made my day. Right before bed check at the workhouse...... We followed my list of "to-do's" of things that did not entail adventure, but it tasted just as sweet.........(i.e. groceries, and the trudgery of wal-mart.)

You never know how much you really believe anything until it's truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. C.S. Lewis

With that, I leave you, but not for long.

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