Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Red Bird

Currently on the path of getting it on, getting it right, and cutting it out. What is it and why does it fall in so many categories? Well chickens, even hours of scratching my head and eating protein packed cereal, even I don't know. I am wearing lots of tights and skirts with knee socks, cold be damned. Okay, maybe only in my mind for now. I am itching to go shopping and cavorting. I shoulda went yesterday. True. I should have. B had worked like a Trojan horse yesterday salting and shoveling the driveway. I couldn't ask him to take me here there and afar. Even though we did take a drive and had a long talk. These 2 things, I love. It reminds me of being a little girl and staying with my Mamaw and Papaw. Comfort. I believe I am feeling somewhat better in the whole "What does it mean? " stage in my life. Because, I'm not really a "What does it mean? " type of girl. I usually don't question things bigger than my being. I just don't. Anyway, I am finding ways conducive to my happiness. Y'all probably think I'm all high and mighty with my church thing, but it helps me. Church is my therapy, and I shouldn't abandon this. All because I don't want to get up. Pastor Bob needs me!!! Just as I need him.

Its all too much some days, I know. Take heart though. Yesterday was your tomorrow that you worried so much through. I have wished my life away through those days. Last night I layed in bed and prayed. I prayed for open doors, open windows, open hearts. I prayed for negative emotions to go away, I prayed for cracks in the pathway to be repaired, or to be shown a new way I didn't see before. I prayed. I prayed for B to gain employment and I know it all will come through. God has promised to take care of things I know nothing about. I felt strange peace. Like B had already found his job. Or that the job found him.

One thing I struggle with is bitterness. I am very bitter. to the core. Bitterness has caused me to harbor feelings that I am ashamed to admit. Like for instance, I probably will be 35 or older before I bear a child. And just like me, my child will have older parents. Avenues can be opened I know, but none of you will know how I feel like backs have been turned on me. In return, I have turned my back just as easily. For some reason, that bitterness has tasted so good. Just like you, I will have to worry about birth defects and whether or not I will be able to conceive. In the same breath, bearing children, being pregnant, (unless I'm listening to R. Kelly) and maybe actually giving birth scares the bejesus out of me.

Sometimes, I feel like God is moving so swiftly and so mightily I may miss it. Hopefully not though. I do not want to be blinded by negative when God is clearly working for all things good.

P.S. B loses his unemployment pay on February 1st. (Blinders!!!)

On a GREAT note though, my skinny pants are on the way to being skinny again. (Score!)
Shallow waters, maybe.

Finding what makes me happy has sometimes proven what couldn't make me happy.
Disguise and change.
I have embarked on impossible journeys.
Lapse of judgement.
When I know whats impeccable.
Clean. Sure.
Conceived notions of pure abandon.

I tell myself lies.
Instead of going for the sure thing.

So why all this " World not working for me?" stuff.
Why doesnt it work for me?

Possibly, I am a thinker.

An overly emotional, animalistic, socialized, (if not under) fantasizing individual.

Protective of myself.

A real fixer-upper.

Part of the reason?
Is because I want.
I see things.

In order to move forward, I have to shed the old me. The old clothes, the old thinking, the old shell of what could have been.

Going much better than they have been.

Why? I deserve it.

Why? Because God's love for me is infinite.

Why? Because I'm just like you.

I hope. I am afforded that luxury. To hope.

The poorest of poor, hope.
The most knowledgeable individual, hopes.

We all hope for different things.
And the end result is ultimately the same.

Satisfaction gained.

Assertive. In full motion. Sensitive.

With the utmost respect.

1 comment:

  1. Yesterday was your tomorrow that you worried so much through

    I love that. It should be a t-shirt in our line. That we make on the compound. And sell at our shop...