Monday, July 12, 2010

I don't wanna, so I'm not....

I'm ready for those little extra's and my belly not to hurt or feel sensitive. I would love to stop comparing oranges to tomatoes. I heard you can be reborn over and over. Spiritually, yes. You can also be reborn as a person in life. A start over. A redo. All this rain is reminding me. She said but when you get married you won't work here anymore. I guess you should have thought about that when you repeatedly hurt my feelings and never regarded my existence until you thought I made a mistake. He held me on the couch and told me to never apologize. Do everything with confidence and even when you're wrong... Make a stand. We made plans yesterday, some too high profile to tell anyone else. You see, our Bermuda Triangle is great. Our plans include not really too many other souls. If I could, I would tell you we have a private club. We ate cake and redesigned the house. I think we caught on. He doesn't compromise who I am or compromise himself in the process either. Not being perfect, not in that "I'm a vampire, and I'm vulnerable" cursed way, but in a "I'm just a dude, and I open up to you" kind of way. I'm heartsick in my thirties in a way none of you will ever know. I'm heartsick in a way that ignites passion and thunder. I'm heartsick in a way that makes me shut off other people even when they really love me. When all they try to do is reach out. I don't want to ever be depressed or discouraged because my way isn't their way. I'm just ready for the fire to start, and unfortunately, you won't be included in the kindling.

One day I was so sick. My heart hurt. My toenails felt heavy. I cried. And it sucked. One day I got all the old coke cans out of the barn. Then I shot them down one by one. I get restless and can't sleep. I make up lists of things I'm going to do tomorrow, then run out of daylight or energy again. I think about Jen's compliment: A Paula cottage!!! And that's exactly what my little home is. I kiss the doggies. Even when they haven't been bathed. I love a good story. I love pretend. I make little pillows and put them in the dog's kennels. Even for Ladybird. (She hides hers.) I make huge meals for the people I miss. I think about you. Even when I'm not supposed to. I wonder if you missed me. I draw pictures of the future. I throw fits. I get my way and then get mad about it. I pray. I watch the flood waters rise. I get a kick out of the obscene. I try. I rope cattle. I hide in the barn. I try not to get stung by bees. I lay low in the grass. I wait.

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