Saturday, July 3, 2010

It's really a musical.

I feel an awful lot like a character Natalie Portman would play. She's in different roles that I find completely identifiable. At least I'm not all Meredith Baxter Berney sans the Berney roles. That's a sigh of relief. I want to be anywhere but here, and I would rather just be with you. I would rather be laying on a rock somewhere and not worrying that I would be carried off. My fear is the only reason I don't hike alone. Or go to swimmin' holes by myself. Do I think that much of myself? Why sure I do. I'm Mama's little princess, Daddy's little girl. I worry that I may be one of those ladies evil people carry off into the sunset. Never to return. Then I get sick at the thought of missing children. Then, I have insomnia. Then, I get over it by "smoking" imaginary cigarettes. A never ending process, then I am treated as if my breathing doesn't matter. Then, I get pissed.

Boomerang words. An assortment of emotions and ghosts. I only slightly shake when I get overwhelmed. I wave at the girl I was a year ago. Next year, I will do the same. If I can just admit, I'm ready to get started on Life. I have had 4 different people ask me today if I ever get lonely. This is an over sensitive question anyway, so I reply with a defensive no. Although, I would rather be alone than around people feeling alone. The mere emotion of alone, and the actual act of alone, are 2 different animals. Their species are barely a glimpse of each other.

This is why I smoke the pretend cigarettes. (Never do this in public, BTW.)

I guess in order to be taken seriously, I may have to start taking myself seriously. This may be a scary venture. Why not?

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