Monday, December 27, 2010


Dedication is a careful practice. Hard to hold onto. Easily forgotten about. I gotta rework this whole thing. This whole isolation thing. This whole "let me pat you on the rear, just to pacify me for a moment" thing. I'm not sure when everything fell apart for you. Do you remember? The day you gave up and just had expectations for everyone but yourself? That way, surely, you weren't disappointing life, life was supposedly disappointing you. I am learning to let go even more. And that hurts. I sometimes feel like my heart is impossibly 5 sizes too small. Just to fit in. I didn't freak out when you embarrassed me in front of the family. I took the chance to get through it and enjoy the time I had. Even though, it was tough. No excuses anymore. But, I wont give up. Even though I am fighting not to. I'm right here. I did explode just like you though. I always do. I get to a point.... and I explode. Which isn't how I need to live. I don't want to be pushed away just like you don't want to be pushed away. Wheres the effort? My heart is broken from the way I made up life growing up. Maybe it wasn't made up.

My comfort today comes from Galatians 6:9-10. "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially those who are of the household of faith."

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