Friday, October 2, 2009

Final Countdown

Here we are my friends. Sisters, brothers. Lovahs. The day may be long. I spoke to Ed a few nights ago, and as usual he was cryptic, and out of his head with his talking. It makes me wonder how we were ever together for 7 years. Then I remember how young, naive, and forgiving I was then. (And now. And now. Still.)

His Daddy has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He said he needed to move closer and be with them. Then it made me wonder if he was setting the pizza in the trap to catch the Dale Gribble version of me in my men's briefs. Possible. Ed is not a warm person. He never has been. He tries. And always falls short. I cannot survive even our friendship some days.

Moving on. Where does a girl find comfort? As in creature comfort and emotional rescue? Mostly, and most importantly, within herself. That's different weather isn't it? I guess I should let that freak flag fly. Nothing wrong with it. In all my confusion and absolute fear of all things "sticky", I find myself feeling very selfish today. I approve of this message. A bit of a love hangover I suppose. These words, are only intended for you. Don't leave them written down on the counter, Champ will eat the piece of paper. I would just hold these words in your heart. The journey is expanding. There is an upswing of things to come. I may not be ready to be settled. All in all, I may never be settled. I may never be cookie cutter. I was told this week that life was never boring around me. This was followed by my voice rising and making a screeching sound when I found a fur lined hat at the Bass Pro Shop. Don't hate on the Bass Pro, I get coffee and hide in the biggest boat in the corner. So much fun. Go ask Alice. When she's ten feet tall.

What if I don't take the chance? What if I don't take a leap? What if it all goes to hell? I may land on my feet though. But even if I landed on my knees, that would be fine too. I would be alright. I would just have to get up. I may be in surgery, I may still be under repair. There are many improvements to be made. I'm just fine with these thoughts and statements. I'm not trying to damage any realationship. I'm not chiseling away at a mountain. I won't. I will not. Especially when things become taxing on me. Fortunately, I am able to recognize the signs. I become moody. I become agitated. I want to clean everything. I remain a nervous wreck until all the negative energy comes pouring out of me. Satisfaction, guaranteed. Its emotionally exhausting to go full force, both barrels loaded. Day in, and day out.

It would not be appropriate for an apology right now. This is it!

If I am: Obsessive.

Passive aggressive.








Most of the time, (even for me) when we are criticised, or criticize others, ideas, lives. We are seeing insecurities in ourselves, which is uncomfortable. And most of the time.... Numbing.

Here I am being in the middle of being a big deal. (Eye opening.)

I would admire you if you showed a little more gumption. I have fresh wounds. I am vulnerable. But protected like an angler fish. I doubt I am ever too catty. I have been backed up against the wall but true to my nature, I have escaped through your legz. (sp. intentional) How could Bigfoot live if chimpanzees are so sexually aggressive? (I meanz, since "they" believe them to be linked.) Criag Kilmore - Where are you? In love with my own sin. Apparently, this happens often.

Terry, being so kind to me, made 5 CD's for me. Michael Jackson - Greatest Hits (like the CD we listen to in the studio when I give haircuts, Sue.) Billy Idol (makes me lose my mind) The new Reverend Horton Heat (Mind blown) And, drum roll please, MGMT. (Bitchin') The music has compensated my shaky mood. Hallelujah! (I mean, call Leonard Cohen, he stirs me.)

Alright. Dreams? Only on Monday. I had a dream that Brandy and Janet lived with a man. (This is my cousin, and her wife) I was pissed! I told them in my dream, that they were only allowed to love each other. (Sounds too real life for me) We went on a walking adventure that turned Texas Chainsaw Massacre too quickly. As we walked, (in the mountains) we see this crazy haired kid. It really freaks us out, so we spot a barn and run in there. This rockabilly looking dude meets us, and wants to know where we are going. We begin our freak out. He directly talks to me, and tells me we have to go the sausage factory. (Touche!) I stare at him, bc I know what he means. We are in one room, where they cut this man's head off and they grind his body into sausage. (Really) Quickly, we go into another room where more scary shit happens. The rockabilly dude tells me that I have to see how the sausage is made, since I'm the one in control, he tells me.

I woke up. It was creepy.

Harvest Moon is coming. October 4. Longest night of moonlight. I cant wait!

Sometimes I miss having a husband. Ya know when I have to do things menfolk should be doing. I miss the idea of having one more than I want that realationship I think. Although, I have been taught so many lessons, and have really enjoyed all of these growing pains. For instance, I am able to walk in the dark outside, and not be so afraid. I am able to run wild and not be questioned or grilled. I don't have to tiptoe around someone else's opinions, or worry if they may or not be mad at me. I also only have to do shit for myself. And, that's fucking awesome. Bring in a realationship to my life, from the outside looking in at present, shows how others can be um, well, parasites to our own little worlds. I even believe President Obama would support this cockamamie opinion. Huh? This has been proven in a hypothesis I would call, "MY EXISTENCE."

I am open to possibilities. I try. And that's all I can do. So here I am taking all the credit. And, why not? Even though, I have relied on help lately, it has not been easy to accept such kindness. I felt like a failure. Reasoned with myself on uncertain terms. Which proved detrimental. To all areas of my life. It sucks. I was consumed with the fallout, and barely acknowledged the relevance to my healing. I only focus on the repercussions. The results I would not pick for myself. It's alright though. I continue to forgive myself for the screw ups. I do realize the anger extends from the hurt I have had to have in my life. In essence, I am still afraid of the outcome. Those choices I make, will reap fruit. Good or bad.... Right? I hope to hinge (to bring together) a bountiful harvest of good things. Er, things/moments/wonderful options.

The above is conceptually real. I believe in my heart of hearts. I hope with every fiber of my being. I believe most of all. Having faith reaps rewards. I continue to prepare myself for healing. I know, I am entitled to options. The water is rising, and it does rise rapidly. I do agree with Jem, I want to be just like her, complete with the pink hair, and I am going to be truly, truly outrageous. A high maintenance menace.

Still reading a mountain of books..... don't look so shocked. I love you, and I mean it.

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