Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Howling

This is twice. I have had the very same thought. A very strong thought. Something, I couldn't imagine saying. The first time, it was a full moon cycle also. The first time, was in a cemetery.
The first time, again, was with Sue. This thought, came out today as we pulled into Arbys.....
A thought, that just popped out of my mouth, without thinking about it before saying it.


It will feel like jumping into a stream in the mountains. Think, early May.

Skin,red. Shivering.Blue lips.

1, 2, 3.......

I think I will meet my husband soon.

I know what you're thinking. How, Paula, could you formulate such equations with the fact, you do not want to unlock your emotions for another person? Something like falling in love with another man, would be such sacrifice, that would be like opening the gilded cage so to speak.
As funny as it is, to me..... how pretty of a thought. How random of a moment.

How unbelievably overwhelming.

Nothing but.... happiness.

What if that means.... my heart isn't as cold as I secretly fear?

What if, the future Mr. Paula Northern, is on the other side of the door?
Holding his breath, just as I do? How captivating of a thought.
What an amazing apparition of What WILL be.

Listen, I am drunk on Love. It's true. I realize, more and more, in this storm the fact is, people really care for me. In a Christlike manner even. I have friends who are opening up their homes, children, spouses, lives for me. A capacity to give me, selfless Love. How breathtaking.

The validation, I have been given. Prepares me. For more.

I discover, my very best friends worry about me meeting someone new. A valid reason to worry. They worry, as I have discovered through last night, and today..... You all really wonder about me meeting someone. That's valid.

Of course, I cant guarantee the fact, that when, I do.... meet someone, um, appropriate for me to get a long with.....
A person to explore the other realm of my life, as a woman who is a set in a pair...
Is daunting.

Monopolize the other time line, I try carefully, (believe it or not....), to not think about presently.
Because, when things come around, or shake the snow globe of present life.
We will all get a little bit scared. I'm just the rabbit chasing time.....

It just has to happen.

But, it cant just be some shmoe off the street. It cant be just"anybody." Right?
I mean, you are not puttering around your home, teetering in your marabou trimmed
high-heel night-night slippers, and hating every minute of it?
Are you? Consider counseling, if you do feel this way.


I cannot, will not, be with a person who isn't creative. I would be one of those "Walking fish" you find out in Texas and Mexico...... except, this mermaid would be fluttering said eyelashes, and working her way out of said "invisible rope."

I need an outlet. Plain and simple. I wish, I had disposable income, and a set outline, of what my life is to be..... Travel, art, concept of beauty in the ordinary.

I will need someone to appreciate my method of madness.... and not a fucking pat on the behind.

I want to be in the middle of an English cottage, serving tea, preparing tarts.
I want Tyler Fucking Durden, but with an element of manners.

I don't want to be 40 years old, and have my first child. I don't. That's 11 years.

Think about where you were 11 years ago. Exactly. Nothing like today.

I don't want to continue dreaming. I want to LIVE the dream.

Not the dream I had Monday night. Which was, terrifying. Emotional. All at the same time comforting. I was dreaming pleasant, normal,beautiful things I like to do. Adventuring with Terry. But, in this dream, I had a baby. (This isn't fucking baby fever here, so do me a favor, and stop the judgement.) It was my baby. Yet, we were adventuring just the same. Climbing on rocks. Going into forbidden places. For the sake of Adventure. Life experience.

We were in this place, covered in kudzu. Going up these steps. (We were at the shore) At the top of the steps, there was a man. With a gun.

And, he shot my baby.

Then, he shot me.

Terry seemed to be nowhere and right there with me.

I clutched my child. Bawling, screaming, kicking. Dying.

The comfort, wouldn't ever be caught again.

But, you know what? All of my friends seemed to be right there. All at once.
We were on these cliffs.

No matter what you said, I was inconsolable. It didn't even faze me, that I had a huge bullet hole in the center of my body. I was in pieces.
(All the King's horse's and all the King's men, couldn't put Miss Paula back together again.)

My friends and family were a quilt. That covered me.

It didn't heal me. It didn't change the fact, my child, was dead. It didn't remove any bullet holes from my frame....

But, it did seem like time had passed.

And we were off the cliff.

Time apparently had passed. Further into my dream, Sue and I are driving on a road. We pass Victorian 2 story homes, with swings coming from the trunks of huge trees. We passed streams.
We went over bridges. We passed a parade. We drove by storefronts long abandoned.

Then. We were there.

We were back at the place covered in kudzu. By the shore. Looking up the steps.

We were back at the point of misery, broken heartedness, and dreams lost.

And she told me I had to face it.

Then I woke up.

This dream, further facilitates that I am a downright fucking genius. A genius can recognize her own weakness. She can trace down, and face what drives her, and demands her attention.

I am Mother' s Little Helper, dear.

She is love, love , love, love, love..................

And that is all this girl needs.

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