Wednesday, August 26, 2009


thinking of a new one. A moniker. a guise. well, chicken little, I'm not that crafty, i dig breaking shit. it's the truth. its my temper. hair trigger. i try to keep it in check, bc of the nightmare that will ensue...

I found a beautiful lingerie suitcase yesterday.Jealous? You should be. Its the tits. And perfect.

Finishing things up. Desperately wrapping things up so I can continue to move on. Things written on my candy cane shaped to do list? Soap. Q-tips. Benadryl. Newspaper. In that order of importance. Pressing times. Desperate measures. Trying thoughts. Moving on.

Craving wine! I do. I do. That is my commitment as of late.
We will have a special ceremony, post Labor Day. All are invited.

Projects? Well, I'm trying to fashion little boots for animals. Dogs, cows, Platypus.

And just why not for a platypus? They need shoes too!!! Discriminating souls you are!

We all want to feel good, look good, plot well, live well, put our best foot forward.....

So congratulations, Mr. Platypus. The trick? Is the whole webbed feeeeeeeet thing.

Easy as pie. Man, I want to make pie. And, just look at it.

Here's the facts, as I (kind of) suffer through, I think, the whole eating, and shedding pounds thing is a great idea. And not just in theory.

My left thigh has been twitching since yesterday. Odd. The muscle... it's irritating. At least it's not my eye, like Saturday. Suffering through fajitas. (didn't eat chips....)

I'm the captain of this ship! Feeling the wind flow through. Dr. Girlfriend. Huckleberry Finn. Little Orphan Annie. Lucy from Peanuts.

I did dream last night. In Bond Girl atmosphere. Closed eyes through the whole shoot......

Still taking advice, and writing down EVERY idea, is taxing. But worth it. It's amazing what I have come up with. The calculations, are even more astonishing.

Alright. I have a date today. I mean, I am still waiting to say yes or no. Hesitation? Yeah. Lots of it. I guess, I'm not ready? Not interested? Not willing? Not wanting a beginning of something to be the end of me? The enemy? I cant take it. Mostly, my stomach aches are pure anxiety. nothing more, nothing less. Do I have to resign and surrender to the fact, this is necessary? IDK.

I just don't want to. Obviously, I'm just not this excited about this person. If I were, wouldn't I be excited? Ready to go? Wanting to go, at least?

I know what you're thinking, I get excited about new things, new projects, but, I don't like these new feelings. Of void. I, really, want to sit in my corner, and be intellectual, drink my coffee, dream a little dream, but cant stomach having to open up. I don't want to.

Boys, men, in general, want you to be ready to fuck, ready to bend, and plain and simple, some men who just want to have love, are tools. I understand, maybe, I expect way too much. If I wanna fuck, don't you think I would've gotten in your pants by now? If, I didn't think you were worth it, wouldn't I have asked and pursued? Do you not think for a second, I could act appropriately? But, like my projects, my schemes, I get all in it, and don't know what to do. Then, I take short cuts, and get lost. I forget my objective. Then, I wait. then, I do a little more damage. I convince myself, its normal. Normal behavior. It turns out weird. It turns into a mess. It changes your very opinion about me. Too hard on myself? No, these are approximate conclusions, that have happened. Truly. It makes my heart beat fast. It usually makes me more creative, or I hide in a hole, and wave my flag.

Its not enough to have things in common. I'm apparently picky. I want the most unique piece of glass. (P.S. I figured out the whole pompadour thing.)

My voice, is afraid. I may get caught up, easily manipulated, bc, I don't have the energy to process what others want from me. Emotionally. So I surrender, without even trying.

Last night, I sat by the fridge, rolled up my knee socks, and drank my Coke Zero. Half satisfied with the day, unable to really grasp anything else. I cleaned the cobwebs. Watered the plants.

Hearing ghosts of yesterday, reminding me, I'm only human.

Its silly, really. The little things, that make me happy. I pray for the mowers to come today, I can barely walk through the grass and not wince at how long it is. Why am I waiting?

Fly by the seat of my pants. Or panties. Whichever.

I feel a lot of pressure to be a certain way, that I am not, and realistically again, may never be. That is my handle. That is all I am capable of. Of only being me.

The equation, the multiplication, is contradictory, and again, me. Absolute assery, determined dame, knowing nymph, borderline obsessive compulsive..... (accuse me, will you???!!!)

So new Zombie movie, and new Werewolf movies coming soon. I cant wait.

The bottom line is I have necessary passion, and it doesn't got through the appropriate channels, I will hate it. The result. I would hate their face, actions, and their life in general. Please let's not hope for a genie in a bottle.... let's wish and pray for the appropriate.

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