Nervous Nelly

I forgot my wallet today, even though I made a really great lunch. I'm real anxious and excited all at once, I have a stomach ache the size of the United Kingdom. I made a really neat breakfast of fried egg, over easy, spinach and mushrooms. I'm craving spagehetti and Jme is coming over tonight. I don't know if I can canoe or fall out of the boat. Get bit by a red headed rattlesnake. Sometimes I want to look into the future and either possess the dread or own the happiness.

How Long?

We all face this question. How long will it last? Whether it's a good thing, or a great feeling, or the horrible feeling of dread. I'm nervous. But in a good way. I'm optimistic, and full of joy. Remembering that just because things are not what we imagined, doesn't make it a failure. It's just a different plan. Different isn't a boo boo. Different is beautiful. I have to remember to embrace it.

New Phase

Every day is a new day, and even when things don't go exactly as planned. It's okay. I am changing, and so is everyone else. Just like the moon, new phase is already in progress.

Just like the Horses

I don't think any of us had this dream. The way the dream turned out. We had bigger ideas, bigger fish to fry, and less real worries. If we keep going, that's the only way to find out how the dream ends. At least, continues. Holding on, and holding out. The horizon is close, hurting our eyes and our pride. At least the horses haven't given out, and they keep comin' back for more. Just like us. Not giving up, giving in, or flaking out. Holdin' the road the best to our content. Strong.

Hope

The Lord makes us able. We just have to follow through and walk on that faith.

Do your best

Well the altitude has changed here. You can feel it. It's all shifted looking a little different, feeling different, and it shows. Continue to do your best and just let it fly, this is all that can happen. Entitled to change our minds, the power to make a real difference. I can't change what I can't control, but I can change my mind. Like anyone else breathing we are all in a struggle. For power, money, and yes, even just getting by. This is survival mode and although we can't live in this place, we sure hang on to it with bloody fingers and squeeze hope til we just pop. I'm just still fighting and tired of the feeling of whats the point, does it matter, and how can I make it better?
Im not perfect, just transparently human. Aching at times. At least we have each other and when no one understands, or cares to stop for a minute to remind themselves that we are just that, flesh and blood. Webs of electrons and protons firing all at once and confusing what comes out. Misinterpreted is the word I believe. Im not a fixer, and I do find myself begging to hold on, look for a quick option, just relieving some pressure from the cooker on the stove. We cant keep living in a way that is unbearable. These snippets of what if, and whats it worth, has to come to a close. Taking a deep breath and walking the path is all the energy we have, then thats all that gets done. No more, no less. I cant listen to the aftermath, especially when there's nothing to lose. Risk taker. Don't under mind what other people, worlds, or creatures just will not understand or put themselves in your shoes. Just constantly work through it, telling yourself that you will move past this. The less kicking and screaming may be the best. Even if you do find yourself crying, kicking, screaming, and maybe even hating the everything of whatever you are trying to deal with, that is ok. it just is. It will just have to be. I cant live on the exception that may be hanging in the balance. The exception may not be real, most of the time, its all imaginary. These fears, these demons, the dirt under your fingernails....The ache is real though, that is understood. Humans and our emotions are not made of diamonds, we are not hard, never are we to really be. Humans are to be soft and hopeful. Sick of the microscope we are under, and just fighting and living action words.

3

I love you!

Do it.

Do what it takes.

1 Peter 4:8

Above all, be fervent in your love, because love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

I'm trying to listen to this verse. Matters of the heart are trying. We have to work on all relationships. Whether romantic or otherwise. And, truth be told, I want that job. In order to love, we have to love ourselves. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Loving ourselves can be the most difficult, demanding, fretful job that could be handed out. At least to me. I am a work in progress. In progress is the phrase we all should focus on. No one perfect, but all yearning for something that feels very difficult. I need to recondition, refurbish, and redirect energy into loving me, and loving others. Not for who they are, what they look like, or what they do for us, but just love them. Even when the tough gets going, and unfortuantely, the tough gets going quite a bit in this life.

For one thing, not everyone can understand or respect your choices. So I have to make that choice, to be lucid enough to grasp that I am not alien race. Just a person, flesh and blood full of pride. Just like any other being on the earth. And I, desire to love and be loved.

I pray to be able to love everyone better. To have the knowledge to love B. To have the knowledge to love my family and friends. And to even have the knowledge to love strangers.

And it's a hard job. That I suppose is the beauty of loving. We have to put it all on the line. Hope. Put on the old clothes and pull up our sleeves in those seasons where it all seems to be too much. That's when we have to love. We may have to give more in order to get more. We may have to give more and not get any thing in return. That's love. We may have to swallow our pride, huimble ourselves in order to make our love work. We may be afraid. We may be concerned that we may not be good enough, but we are. We are all worth a hard days (nights, weekends, lifelong) work. It can be hard to see through the denial we live in. It can be hard to see the forest for the trees, but we have to. In order to love and to make all relationships work. We may want to be married and to live the life we desire, but we may have to wait and work for it. We may not ever want to be married or to cohabitate with someone else and sharing those awful HARD times, but that closes us off to love. What is refreshing though, is we have a choice to do so.

Let's choose love. Let's dig deep. Let us not condemn each other for wanting to love each other and ourselves. Let us make a choice that might make a real difference in other's lives.

You have to fight Dear Girl. In the name of Love and all that it offers. You have to take real steps and say not to fear. No matter what the fear is. You could lose what is precious. Wasting time of being afraid obviously has not been ideal for you. Fear, has held you back. Taken you hostage and enjoyed feasting on you entirely too much. You, loveley, have to stop. Yuo, have to go back to a Place of acceptance. At this point you have to say goodbye to hose roads of hating and begrudging yourself and not accepting who you are. And, who you are, is beautiful. Say Goodbye to those ugly words that have made you believe the worst lies a liar could tell. Say Goodbye. Pack their bags and don't be sorry to see them leave. Remember, I love you Dear Girl.

New Year

Rachel told me that guilt is a product of satan.
I believe that now.

No one had ever told me so, and I just believed it was a product of conviction.

Of God.

I feel better.

I also have to stop hiding.

So, I'm making baby steps.

And thinking of Bill Murray.
Per usual.

Thank you Rachel.