The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9
Yesterday was training day for me. As usual, as normal, church made me a blubbering idiot. As usual, as normal, it helped me receive a hair of clarity. Back to square one. Back to bed. Back to basics. I'm over my head.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Monday, Monday......
Cant trust that day.....
Thats okay, cause today is Saturday!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!! Saturday!!! I get to dress up today and probably fall on my face at some point due to the fact I am wearing heels later in the evening. (maybe due to the vodka martini's I plan to have also.) Y'all know me, and you know I am much more at home in my galoshes and torn up over-alls. That's right, I wear them all Kid n Play like. One strap on the shoulder, one strap, er, lack of strap dangling. But only at the farm. It's finally not tundra-like here in good ol' East Tennessee. It's mild, and I like it. Of course I have dangerous skidding to a stop-take off gone wrong-burst of Spring fever. Why Miss Paula, it's January! (Let me pass out all Southern lady stereo-type-like.) In reality, yes. Yes, it is January. My big thaw always comes early. When I decide to be all surly, hissy, misbehavin' madman of a lady, that's when it gets sticky for me. Dont worry, I have my gun in my garter.
The big thaw will begin in the middle of Winter, it always does. I'm fine with this. Lent is on its way, right with Girl Scout Cookies. Yeah, my biggest nemesis since Hershey bars. With Lent comes Easter, and with Easter, I feel amazing. Easter is my FAVORITE holiday. Easter outranks Thanksgiving or Christmas. ANY TIME.
The Farmer's Almanac warns of rough weather coming. Through February and so on. Alright. The Almanac is usually dead on, so I'm getting ready like a tree rat gathering provisions in the middle of Georgia.
The big thaw always produces wonderful fruit. Which proves me anxious. I am hopeful. I mean, I am on fire with hope. Burning in my belly.
Working out is going great. Icing down after my work outs are also helping me tremendously. This was especially true last night after doing WAY too many repetitions when I did my weight training. Oh, hockey sticks.
I'm a cross between The Lost Boys a la Kiefer Sutherland and The Lost Boys a la Peter Pan. Its precious. Its very Holli too. Innocent. Twisted.
Overgrown.
Overwrought.
Over thought.
I know good things are here.
Hard to understand.
Reconcile.
Lazarus.
Amazed.
Changed.
Will the real me please stand up?
Butterflies are Free. (Movie) (1972)
(No pictures of food!)
ONLY FAST CARS!!!!
Going with my heart.
Thats okay, cause today is Saturday!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!! Saturday!!! I get to dress up today and probably fall on my face at some point due to the fact I am wearing heels later in the evening. (maybe due to the vodka martini's I plan to have also.) Y'all know me, and you know I am much more at home in my galoshes and torn up over-alls. That's right, I wear them all Kid n Play like. One strap on the shoulder, one strap, er, lack of strap dangling. But only at the farm. It's finally not tundra-like here in good ol' East Tennessee. It's mild, and I like it. Of course I have dangerous skidding to a stop-take off gone wrong-burst of Spring fever. Why Miss Paula, it's January! (Let me pass out all Southern lady stereo-type-like.) In reality, yes. Yes, it is January. My big thaw always comes early. When I decide to be all surly, hissy, misbehavin' madman of a lady, that's when it gets sticky for me. Dont worry, I have my gun in my garter.
The big thaw will begin in the middle of Winter, it always does. I'm fine with this. Lent is on its way, right with Girl Scout Cookies. Yeah, my biggest nemesis since Hershey bars. With Lent comes Easter, and with Easter, I feel amazing. Easter is my FAVORITE holiday. Easter outranks Thanksgiving or Christmas. ANY TIME.
The Farmer's Almanac warns of rough weather coming. Through February and so on. Alright. The Almanac is usually dead on, so I'm getting ready like a tree rat gathering provisions in the middle of Georgia.
The big thaw always produces wonderful fruit. Which proves me anxious. I am hopeful. I mean, I am on fire with hope. Burning in my belly.
Working out is going great. Icing down after my work outs are also helping me tremendously. This was especially true last night after doing WAY too many repetitions when I did my weight training. Oh, hockey sticks.
I'm a cross between The Lost Boys a la Kiefer Sutherland and The Lost Boys a la Peter Pan. Its precious. Its very Holli too. Innocent. Twisted.
Overgrown.
Overwrought.
Over thought.
I know good things are here.
Hard to understand.
Reconcile.
Lazarus.
Amazed.
Changed.
Will the real me please stand up?
Butterflies are Free. (Movie) (1972)
(No pictures of food!)
ONLY FAST CARS!!!!
Going with my heart.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
More R. Kelly!!!!!
Although I am not where I want to be physically or (uh, on my way though,) mentally today, I will get by. Out of sheer deterimination. You fighter you. All rosy with the glow.
Down by the bay.....
Down by the bay.....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Red Bird
Currently on the path of getting it on, getting it right, and cutting it out. What is it and why does it fall in so many categories? Well chickens, even hours of scratching my head and eating protein packed cereal, even I don't know. I am wearing lots of tights and skirts with knee socks, cold be damned. Okay, maybe only in my mind for now. I am itching to go shopping and cavorting. I shoulda went yesterday. True. I should have. B had worked like a Trojan horse yesterday salting and shoveling the driveway. I couldn't ask him to take me here there and afar. Even though we did take a drive and had a long talk. These 2 things, I love. It reminds me of being a little girl and staying with my Mamaw and Papaw. Comfort. I believe I am feeling somewhat better in the whole "What does it mean? " stage in my life. Because, I'm not really a "What does it mean? " type of girl. I usually don't question things bigger than my being. I just don't. Anyway, I am finding ways conducive to my happiness. Y'all probably think I'm all high and mighty with my church thing, but it helps me. Church is my therapy, and I shouldn't abandon this. All because I don't want to get up. Pastor Bob needs me!!! Just as I need him.
Its all too much some days, I know. Take heart though. Yesterday was your tomorrow that you worried so much through. I have wished my life away through those days. Last night I layed in bed and prayed. I prayed for open doors, open windows, open hearts. I prayed for negative emotions to go away, I prayed for cracks in the pathway to be repaired, or to be shown a new way I didn't see before. I prayed. I prayed for B to gain employment and I know it all will come through. God has promised to take care of things I know nothing about. I felt strange peace. Like B had already found his job. Or that the job found him.
One thing I struggle with is bitterness. I am very bitter. to the core. Bitterness has caused me to harbor feelings that I am ashamed to admit. Like for instance, I probably will be 35 or older before I bear a child. And just like me, my child will have older parents. Avenues can be opened I know, but none of you will know how I feel like backs have been turned on me. In return, I have turned my back just as easily. For some reason, that bitterness has tasted so good. Just like you, I will have to worry about birth defects and whether or not I will be able to conceive. In the same breath, bearing children, being pregnant, (unless I'm listening to R. Kelly) and maybe actually giving birth scares the bejesus out of me.
Sometimes, I feel like God is moving so swiftly and so mightily I may miss it. Hopefully not though. I do not want to be blinded by negative when God is clearly working for all things good.
P.S. B loses his unemployment pay on February 1st. (Blinders!!!)
On a GREAT note though, my skinny pants are on the way to being skinny again. (Score!)
Shallow waters, maybe.
Finding what makes me happy has sometimes proven what couldn't make me happy.
Disguise and change.
I have embarked on impossible journeys.
Lapse of judgement.
When I know whats impeccable.
Clean. Sure.
Conceived notions of pure abandon.
I tell myself lies.
Instead of going for the sure thing.
So why all this " World not working for me?" stuff.
Why doesnt it work for me?
Possibly, I am a thinker.
An overly emotional, animalistic, socialized, (if not under) fantasizing individual.
Protective of myself.
Guarded.
A real fixer-upper.
Part of the reason?
Is because I want.
I see things.
In order to move forward, I have to shed the old me. The old clothes, the old thinking, the old shell of what could have been.
Going much better than they have been.
Why? I deserve it.
Why? Because God's love for me is infinite.
Why? Because I'm just like you.
I hope. I am afforded that luxury. To hope.
The poorest of poor, hope.
The most knowledgeable individual, hopes.
We all hope for different things.
And the end result is ultimately the same.
Satisfaction gained.
Assertive. In full motion. Sensitive.
With the utmost respect.
Its all too much some days, I know. Take heart though. Yesterday was your tomorrow that you worried so much through. I have wished my life away through those days. Last night I layed in bed and prayed. I prayed for open doors, open windows, open hearts. I prayed for negative emotions to go away, I prayed for cracks in the pathway to be repaired, or to be shown a new way I didn't see before. I prayed. I prayed for B to gain employment and I know it all will come through. God has promised to take care of things I know nothing about. I felt strange peace. Like B had already found his job. Or that the job found him.
One thing I struggle with is bitterness. I am very bitter. to the core. Bitterness has caused me to harbor feelings that I am ashamed to admit. Like for instance, I probably will be 35 or older before I bear a child. And just like me, my child will have older parents. Avenues can be opened I know, but none of you will know how I feel like backs have been turned on me. In return, I have turned my back just as easily. For some reason, that bitterness has tasted so good. Just like you, I will have to worry about birth defects and whether or not I will be able to conceive. In the same breath, bearing children, being pregnant, (unless I'm listening to R. Kelly) and maybe actually giving birth scares the bejesus out of me.
Sometimes, I feel like God is moving so swiftly and so mightily I may miss it. Hopefully not though. I do not want to be blinded by negative when God is clearly working for all things good.
P.S. B loses his unemployment pay on February 1st. (Blinders!!!)
On a GREAT note though, my skinny pants are on the way to being skinny again. (Score!)
Shallow waters, maybe.
Finding what makes me happy has sometimes proven what couldn't make me happy.
Disguise and change.
I have embarked on impossible journeys.
Lapse of judgement.
When I know whats impeccable.
Clean. Sure.
Conceived notions of pure abandon.
I tell myself lies.
Instead of going for the sure thing.
So why all this " World not working for me?" stuff.
Why doesnt it work for me?
Possibly, I am a thinker.
An overly emotional, animalistic, socialized, (if not under) fantasizing individual.
Protective of myself.
Guarded.
A real fixer-upper.
Part of the reason?
Is because I want.
I see things.
In order to move forward, I have to shed the old me. The old clothes, the old thinking, the old shell of what could have been.
Going much better than they have been.
Why? I deserve it.
Why? Because God's love for me is infinite.
Why? Because I'm just like you.
I hope. I am afforded that luxury. To hope.
The poorest of poor, hope.
The most knowledgeable individual, hopes.
We all hope for different things.
And the end result is ultimately the same.
Satisfaction gained.
Assertive. In full motion. Sensitive.
With the utmost respect.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Happiness? Where are you!!!?????
For me it's going to begin with going back to church. That's my first step. What's yours?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Zechariah
Forgive me. Help me find forgiveness in my heart. Help me be humble.
Keep me focused. Understanding. Broaden my vision. Comprehend.
Expand. Enveloped in it all.
True.
Revenge. Wrath. Gets us no where but deeper in the hole.
Causes me not to see the sun.
Oblivious to the rising and setting.
I could use a little more softness.
With my speech.
With my actions.
When did it become so desirable to be so wicked? I mean, high school is eons over for the lot
of us. It will be easier to let go. Then go quickly on your way.
Hope brimming.
Inspiration will come. As long as I have faith. Hold it in my hands.
All the snow has shown how many critters are all over the place. As of right now I park @ the bottom of the hill in my cubby hole. I walk up the driveway, for the most part not losing my breath. I still don't LOVE the snow. But I LOVE to see the different critter prints up and down the driveway. (Especially the bird ones.)
My vision is broad.
Full.
Free.
Breaking bad habits. Even if I do have a bad day.
It shouldn't overshadow what's important.
Like living.
Loving.
Greed. Touchy subject.
I'm living an extremely greedy life.
That bears the fruit. (My tree is weak.)
Holding back.
It hurts me.
No one is an island. As hard as they try.
Forgive, forgive, forgive.
My plea.
Coated.
Human nature.
Renewal.
Renewed strength.
Obtain. As always, open ears.
Blood hungry.
A symbol of freedom. Safe in the storm.
Fortune.
Show me how to change.
Change ME Lord.
Show me what to do.
I am lost.
Intense.
When I hit the wall: What's next? Giant. Strong.
Shadows and dust.
Keep me focused. Understanding. Broaden my vision. Comprehend.
Expand. Enveloped in it all.
True.
Revenge. Wrath. Gets us no where but deeper in the hole.
Causes me not to see the sun.
Oblivious to the rising and setting.
I could use a little more softness.
With my speech.
With my actions.
When did it become so desirable to be so wicked? I mean, high school is eons over for the lot
of us. It will be easier to let go. Then go quickly on your way.
Hope brimming.
Inspiration will come. As long as I have faith. Hold it in my hands.
All the snow has shown how many critters are all over the place. As of right now I park @ the bottom of the hill in my cubby hole. I walk up the driveway, for the most part not losing my breath. I still don't LOVE the snow. But I LOVE to see the different critter prints up and down the driveway. (Especially the bird ones.)
My vision is broad.
Full.
Free.
Breaking bad habits. Even if I do have a bad day.
It shouldn't overshadow what's important.
Like living.
Loving.
Greed. Touchy subject.
I'm living an extremely greedy life.
That bears the fruit. (My tree is weak.)
Holding back.
It hurts me.
No one is an island. As hard as they try.
Forgive, forgive, forgive.
My plea.
Coated.
Human nature.
Renewal.
Renewed strength.
Obtain. As always, open ears.
Blood hungry.
A symbol of freedom. Safe in the storm.
Fortune.
Show me how to change.
Change ME Lord.
Show me what to do.
I am lost.
Intense.
When I hit the wall: What's next? Giant. Strong.
Shadows and dust.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
9:46 AM
Open my ears for listening. This is a need. My plea. Radiant. Better.
Elegant. Dramatic. Beautiful.
Dynamic.
Survival. Of the fittest.
Rebuilding. Fresh. Fought hard. Handle. On things. Reality.
Long. Lush.
For the past few days, I haven't felt "ON."
How many "End of the worlds have you lived through?"
And still lived.
I need to be where my heart lies. And not leave it to die.
I smell the fire but have no idea how to start it.
I pray for motivation. For it all to be better.
For encouragement.
I pray for solid leads.
I pray for something. A glimmer.
Hidden in my heart.
I pray for discernment.
For forgiveness.
For grace to learn to forgive.
For others.
For myself.
Light.
What ifs and how tos.
I need
Outlets.
Metaphors.
New avenues.
Adventures.
I need to be outside. BUT its so doggone cold.
I need to go look around.
Shop.
By myself.
Much love,
P
Elegant. Dramatic. Beautiful.
Dynamic.
Survival. Of the fittest.
Rebuilding. Fresh. Fought hard. Handle. On things. Reality.
Long. Lush.
For the past few days, I haven't felt "ON."
How many "End of the worlds have you lived through?"
And still lived.
I need to be where my heart lies. And not leave it to die.
I smell the fire but have no idea how to start it.
I pray for motivation. For it all to be better.
For encouragement.
I pray for solid leads.
I pray for something. A glimmer.
Hidden in my heart.
I pray for discernment.
For forgiveness.
For grace to learn to forgive.
For others.
For myself.
Light.
What ifs and how tos.
I need
Outlets.
Metaphors.
New avenues.
Adventures.
I need to be outside. BUT its so doggone cold.
I need to go look around.
Shop.
By myself.
Much love,
P
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