Mulchin' leaves

it felt so good to hear how supportive you are about my raised anxiety levels about this coming week. I am at odds about it all. I want to look in one direction and just start walking that line. We can do nothing at all and that would be special. The hole in my heart makes me swallow the darn thing whole. (These are not the droids you are looking for....) Smooches and hugs.

Im nowhere and everywhere I want to be. Imallcaughtup.....

The other side.

Alright. The precious line of submission and clarity. Those simple times of recognition. I have a heard a few stories about being happy in circumstances that are less than ideal today. Those times of not quite being where you want to be, but being glad that those circumstances are catapulting you into the area of the life you want to be. It's all about perspective and all about taking your lemons and tasting that sweet lemonade it turned into. Pushing past those uncomfortable moments that are necessary to transform your ego. Sometimes we are bludgeoned by our circumstances to the point of needing some kind of resuscitation, so to speak. There are times where you beg and welcome those murdering moments in time. There are also times where you clean everything out and haul it off to the landfill. There are times you throw stuff out the door and wait for the weather to rain on it, or have a LBD run off with it. You could just care less, and that's okay. Some might even say you had a nervous breakdown. Some may have pity on you. Some my care less. You have to learn how to savor those moments, my dear. That is when you find out the meat of your true self. What you will or won't handle. Today, as in Monday, I am trying to just let go. I am just saying no, and not worrying about if it will ultimately change my outlook or finances. It was liberating. Here I am trying to hold on to the last pork chop bone, and that just doesnt always have to be the case. We can cherish and worship that pork chop bone, we can worry if we can live with, or without the coveted pork chop bone. 9 times out of 10, the pork chop bone is the last of our worries. Nothing to fear. Sometimes you have to take that pork chop bone in your mouth and fly through the jungle on the grapevine and take a huge leap of faith. It depends on your personal pork chop bone's threshold. Whether that be pain, courage, or well, cahonaes.

I am also saying yes. Yes to family. Yes to people who love me. Yes to myself. Saying yes to myself has been more liberating than anything, but that's always the case dahling....

Only you can define your true needs and outline what is realistically going to work for you. Always depend on your gut, and for pete's sake, stay out of that pit of despair. Just look for the ravens, because they will send you food. We only have to be wise enough to ask for God to send them.

Toot the horn!

Auspicious. Basically "favorable circumstances." Right now is probably when I can use this word. I don't have to worry about a cheating husband/boyfriend/mate, despondent and playing video games when home. I have a pretty kick ass boyfriend who is, and I do mean to brag, is just the tits in my opinion. Someone who puts me first. B never sees the obstacle, generally the favorable outcome. So farty fart!

Electric Slide

Okay. The pot is on the stove so to speak. Plugged in. I had read today that after the birth of a child people feel intensely creative and motivated. I hope this is how Sue feels after Clementine is born, and I'm sure she will! I posted a video on Facebook - The title is Send it Sistah! And, the video is breathtaking and nothing short of amazing. One part talks about why these gals do what they do - one had said it made her "face herself." That's inspiring. I also heard something on a show last night that stuck me - "Learn not to make decisions in fear." That's a toughie, even if you believe in The Holy Spirit or not. Fear, generally is not healthy. Neither is giving up.

Idle Idol

Turns out I have quite a bit on my heart today and it came out through my eyes. I had a very tight chest and poured it all out of the pitcher known as my heart. It was a great moment. You know those times after you just admit what has you all a tizzle, and you feel better? As in feeling better in quantum measurements? Yeah, it was that awesome. Let's rehash some things here. Let's start with dreams as of late. I have dreamed about bears, invisible man, boats. Maybe not in that order and not at the same time either, but I have dreamed all of these interesting dreams. Apparently I have also created a shoe fetish that arrived this week also. Very strange. The whole shoe thing has made me go into heat in some respect there. I really want to buy things. I also really want to decorate and paint. At the bookstore/antique store and listen to funk for a while. I want to become the unexpected. It felt just like that time my heart was broken into a million pieces and I had to figure out how to heal. It felt like when I told Jme that she was a cheater and a cheatee and that was probably confusing all in itself. I suppose it's self-reflection. I suppose it's self-awareness, but whatever it is, it turns into almost a melancholy moment. I took a picture of a tree in the dark this morning. It was neat. It was right by the outside light, and just enough of it turned out. It was good enough for me. There are a few words that have been calling out to me, love is one. Love yourself, love others, love always. Love and the world can see God in you.



Negativity is born in the gap where love has been excluded. Gaps occur in places where we are afraid to see ourselves. - Deepak Chopra



I like that, and can believe that. Remember the post about Uz? I still feel like I might be at the outskirts of Uz. Uz is that place we have to remember where we were in order to keep on going. Fighting that good fight, if you will.

Seasons change

And so do we. Drastically it seems when we dare to look back. Gr. I hope you are well, because I am. There's much to discuss today. I'm still reading. I'm still writing. I had a stroke of genius on Thursday, and now it's hidden under the covers - cough due to cold is the diagnosis. That's okay, genius, feel better, then we can air it all out later. Um, where to start? I did un-Sunday things yesterday, that made the day go by. I cleaned out the smokehouse. I arranged the vines around the smokehouse, raked. Almost, spray painted things. Then, got scared. I really hate that. I was more scared of the wasps around the area I wanted to do projects with yesterday. That's reasonable fear. Especially since United Medical and St. Mary's can't come to an agreeable contract, and the closest ER would be Morristown or Knoxville. I am unbelievably susceptible to allergies right now, I decided to not tempt being stung. And dying. and that's no joke. But I guess you cant put a price on your health. B and I are doing the Cherohala tomorrow. B and I are on the same page right now with hating living apart, we live separate physical lives, and most of the time you have to be married to live that kind of life! Laugh, that was a joke, but a honest joke. I wouldnt describe our realationship as dramatic and dry. I would describe it as real as it can get. We see each others insecurities and we both have decided we can live with those. We accept that life can change, we can change, but hopefully we wont smother each other to death and eventually push each other apart. We see it too often, and to be honest, it hits the front porch more than we can admit. You see, I know that B could just leave. Maybe this is something you dont think about because it hurts, or it's uncomfortable, but the more you realize bad things can happen, the more open you can be. At least, this has been my experience. I think when you talk about the bad and the good, the more open you can be with everyone. One thing I like about B is he comes through. No matter what. I dont see this as a quality that will fade with me, because B is this way with everyone. That's admirable. Don't get me wrong, there's going to be times when we let each other down, intentionally or not, but it will happen. The sooner we accept each other for the way each other are, the better off we will be in our realationship. We dont have to be perfect, but we both cant be with people we want to change. Trying to change someone is madness, and wishing your life away isnt healthy either. Instead of hoping for the future, B and I are going to live in it. Separate or not. It's just that easy, and just that complicated too. I didnt go to church, I havent went in 2 weeks. I miss our church in Knoxville. Plain truth is, I wanted to sleep. Plain truth is, I wanted to stay home and enjoy the nice weather. So I did with the dogs. We layed in the sun. We walked. We took pictures. LBD layed on my back like a backpack. She's full of sorcery, that one. We cleaned the shower curtain. Eventually we slept like rocks. Then it was morning.

One chick, two chick, and a fox.

alright kiddos. I think I have some things on my mind that are just blowin' my skirt up. For one, I laid in bed like a crazy zombie with a belly ache and slept in a tormented fit all night long. It was the longest night. I would fall asleep for minutes, just to wake up to stare at the clock. Champ kept his head buried in my shoulder, which wasn't an issue, but I still felt ornery. I accepted my penance at 3, and just wollered in my own depravity. It was a stinker. I suppose one of the reasons, as I stated earlier, is that I was unable to sleep like a little lamb last night could be my stomach hurt like a hurricane. I mean, it really hurt! Oh, it was awful. I did see a PERFECT owl last night, right next to my door on a electric wire. It was amazing, and rare to see. I liked Angie's way of describing this owl as her Daddy looking over me. That must have been the reason I was not terrified of all the darkness I was standing in, with only my flashlight. Switching gears here, I'm just talking this one out, I feel incomplete. I feel, lacking. I feel clues though. Where I need to go. Trying, just listening. Nothing special, but here I am feeling around on the forest floor. I had this idea. I had an idea that I'm not ready to share. I DID have this other idea, that I will share. It's more of a photography idea. Since my kindred spirit of a wonderful friend is getting back into some grooves of her own, and since she adores and is the shiza of portrait photography, I thought about contrasts. Deep pool. Deep pool. One, stripped down. One, PIMPED. Like making use of Halloween eyelashes purchased on clearance last year. I figured I would just bring it all to the table, and see if anyone had any comments to add. I found a blog that is so awesome. It's a personal adventure blog. And this person is local. Plus, this person gives details and how to's. I think it's genius, it also is making me google places I never thought of. So peekaboo. There it is. He also mentions water socks. Which makes me nanners. Anyway, the way the blog is set up, he also takes open format questions. And he answers!
(I get real random right here, so bear with me....)
Awesome! I have also been asked to take a challenge from a friend who is a Beach body coach. Which is neat. Which is also funny, since I'm in this conundrum anyway, about fitness. Basically, my fitness. I'm just trying to rearrange. Plus, there's a reason for all this beautiful weather we are having. And repeat after me, I HATE SUGAR. This, needs to be my mantra. I know, I know, one week, I'm on, the next month, I'm almost off the crap, then, like magic, I become dependant once again. I need to make up my mind. Oh, did I mention that my Daddy has almost all of the farm bush hogged? This is awesome. This also gives me prime opportunity to spend more time outside. And, to carry a knife. I always try to carry a weapon when out. Even at home. I also wear this bandanna like I'm Rambo. Alright. That's it.