LOSIN' MY THIRGENITIES!!!!!

And other concepts of my life. Listen kitten, I need world wide suggestions of what to do the eve of said birthday. Just in case you missed it, the title of my blog, (I think) will be the title of my birthday weekend. It's just an idea tossed around. Er, where to start? I wanna drink wine, and get all gussied up. I want to lay around in a honky tonk and drink canned beer. I would like to go out dancin' all night and howl at the moon. Now, I know this seems a little extreme to the untrained eye.... but we all know how I am a life piranha at the moment. I like it. Feeding off of everything I can get my mind wrapped around. I feel extraordinarily creative and visionary right now. I went to bed at a decent hour, but I didn't go to sleep quickly. I had plenty of time to write in my journal. I sat in bed read my bible. I prayed for great things. Mostly for other people, but of course I mentioned my needs too. I scoured some Vonnegut and a Witchcraft book I found. Don't be weird. I love being open minded and free thinking. I picked up a book by Beth Moore who is a Christian writer for mainly, women, but she reaches out to anyone who will listen. She's a Texas gal, all in your face, and lovin' every second of it. When she speaks on the radio, she calls her audience "Beloved", and it gives me chills. It makes me feel embraced by a stranger. (Ina good way) So no matter how much I hear it I adore it that much more. "Starve the flesh, and feed the spirit." I'm trying. I want to. I want to absorb it all. I want, and I do starve negative thoughts, ideas. I want anything negative to be starved and stomped out of my life like a cockroach. I am/will conquer the giant. I reach out for ultimate comfort. I believe the arms are wrapped around me daily. Sometimes I choose to accept the arms. There are moments I am blinded by my own desires that I do not accept what would be great for me. Live and learn? Constantly.



As a matter of fact, I do feel lucky. Hmmm? Yes! I told you! I do feel lucky! Calling me a punk is a little out of order though. Did your mother raise you to call ladies names? Entitled to options. A herd of deer almost killed Terry and I the other night. Crazy stalking deer.



I would let them all think it was their idea.





I mean, I understand that I may be labeled as "small town." Grown up on a farm, and still living here and loving it. I love all things different, odd, even on the macabre side. It's infectious. I am struggling with certain amounts, amounts of finding where I fit. I live for all art. Written, photography, tattoos, print, paint, all mediums intrigue me. I wear galoshes. Often. I love pilates, but I also love being a sloth on the couch with the dogs. I enjoy making supper, but I also love to go out!!! Above mentioned, I love wine, but I will drink moonshine out of a jar too. I am a Southern Baptist, but I am open minded to all religions. I can't stand the thought of disrespecting someone else's belief system. That, is being hypocritical, and I don't dig that man! there are glimpses of where I am Humpty Dumpty. I enjoy that role. I love to be tended to. Petted on. Relished over.





I looked in the mirror and asked where you had come from. There are tangible moments I find myself looking at my freckles. I worry they may go away. What's a Paula without freckles anyhow? I mean, have you ever seen an old person with freckles? If so, please share photos too.


Man is a biped without feathers. PLATO

We should keep each other from harm. Wouldn't that be helpful? I would be exuberant to have the capacity to do so. I may love too much! Hardly. I need to love everyone I come across. Not pick them apart. Why is that so hard? We see what we want to see. Elephants are gray but not everything gray is an elephant.


But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry bout tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. Matthew 6:33-34


It may be a big rabbit hole. Hopefully you will follow me. I may not know any better. You may not claim to learn the lesson. We may fight for our lives. I will fight for my right to party. I need excessive information so I can make informed choices. Looking through these blood shot eyes, or rose colored glasses. I tend to look through both. I need to know more about why not. So when will I know? What's the story morning glory? I took off the gloves, I laid them on the counter. It really was a sign, except you mistook it for an everyday movement. It was so shocking to find how calculated I am - It befuddled the opinion of what could have been. Whether I took the bait or laid the trap - all in all either way, it wasn't as bad as you made it out to be. Right? It didn't really matter or add together the appropriate response.


Have I gone too far? Not far enough, rather. The push will be a big comfort. And welcome. The edge looks nice. I noticed how the high road wasn't an option. It makes sense though. If I mentioned the brilliance, would you be convinced? I would rather be discovered rather than advertised and whored out. Just like Tyler Durden mentions on my t-shirt...................... THEY'RE ALL WHORES.

Misinformed

I am one who does read between the lines. I know it's not logical, and I am more Captain Kirk than Spock at any time. That's how I roll dude. I am hungry. Hungry for information, knowledge. I still wonder why. Still. Bryan and I cut down trees, hung PRIVATE PROPERTY signs, ate lunch, went to Lowe's, talked shop,drank coffee, I flaked out on Pete once again, talked to both Angie and Sue, felt melancholy for a moment, and still my day isn't done. Not by a long shot.

I still miss the good times.

I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself, but I will say, on the outside I have not aged a whole lot. I ran into a man friend not too long ago, he said he couldn't believe "how womanly" I had become. That makes me grin, but I still see a girl. A beautiful girl, but still a girl.

I am not comparing apples to oranges, but I am comparing notions of grandeur.


I cant wait to have a little more. Just a little more of what I have right now. Just a little more of what I would like my life to be. I want a little more Georgia O'Keeffe in my life. Struggles create wonderful art. I also need to read more Kerouac too.

I see things as magenta right now. Bright. It's a horse of a different color.

Although it is turning cold, my birthday is coming, I have been divorced for a full year now. My old wedding anniversary is next week. It's only a day in my mind anymore. Pleas embrace yours.


I promise not to be lazy, and to pick up my socks. One day, all will be repaired and I will be manning a new ship. I swear I can taste the salt on my lips. That's the tough part of being my own captain some days. Although, I can feel Michael Myer's breath on my neck so I'm not lonely at all.


I miss my friends. I miss certain comforts I may have taken for granted. The shoes just didn't fit.

Wish Granted!

I'm looking hotter and hotter all the time.

That is all.

What the hell?

The title came out more of a question rather than a statement. Isn't it crazy how things can come out the way we don't mean them? It's a battle I certainly fight. "Allegedly" and "Suspect" go hand and hand today. I dreamed in full technicolor last night. Sometimes things work out to our advantage. On occasion, things work out the way we want them. Sometimes you don't know what you got til it's gone. Every now and then the things we get what we wanted and when received, are the things that are not good for us. When that lion roars, it's terrifying. Sometimes, things work out well, for our advantage and it is God's will for our lives. But we didn't know it until we had to wait for the great things. Half the time we are undecided - so usually how things work out in situations - it turns out pleasant and unexpected. Daniel and the Lions den. What an inspirational story of the Bible. A story to teach us to wait on God. Learning to trust in the Lord. Which is hard. It should be hard though. God wants us to understand things, and sometimes we have to go into uncharted territory . Sounds tough right? Sounds like a God who doesn't care? A complete opposite of what he wants. God wants a Father /child realationship. God embraces our childlike faith. Even when times are testy.

Mama told me my birth weight yesterday. Now kittens, it is the countdown. She will tell me a nugget of my birth from now on until the 11th. How sweet is that? I want to be just like her when it comes to helping my children feel special. I at least hope so.

It's funny to me. How come a handful of men I know, who didn't want children... always end up with at least one? Come on. Collaborate with me. Continue to write out ideas. We all go up and down, don't we? The cries we cry that are so deep, when a peep doesn't come out of us.....hurts the deepest.

As everyone should now, I am in control of my lady parts and not the other way around. I am a well oiled machine that attempts to produce appropriate choices. Therefore, I am strong, and not using my lady parts to get what I want. That my dear, is manipulation. I am important. I don't need to use anyone. I can take you or leave you. I have been moving forward. If I have been living on and on - See how I have made it a choice? I am in control of my destiny. (to an extent) I will continue to be alive, with or without someone. I'm just fine with that. So if you maybe getting the picture misconstrued, let me save you the trouble. Always be a straight shooter, even when I am afraid, I find a way. And you can too.

I respect my peers madly. I understand that lettuce makes the world go round. (say hello to your mother for me.) But dearie, your opinion will not make or break me.

You know I would be with you if I could.

Lotto

If ya wanna be free, all you gotta do is say so. I do want to be free. Lots of thoughts. Small epiphany as I brushed my teeth this morning. The only thing that brought me back was Champ's wet nose on the back of my thigh. I told myself that I was doing a great job, and I believed it. Little step. Important step. I pushed alot of negative thoughts out of my head as I ate my eggs today. I had shallow little spurts of human nature showing itself in my coffee too. I said alright. I can do this. Birthday's and end of days, did not really spark this feeling. At least I hope so. I laughed when I thought maybe I would be in some kind of solid realationship by the time I needed new tires. Apparently, we should track our lives by the amount of tread that's left. Ha. I have no idea if my heart will open sooner, or later. I feel very stubborn. On the edge of doing what needs to happen to push me to the limit. Sweet Paula, I love you. Don't forget it.






I won't.







I walked out on the sun porch this morning. I could see the top of the ridge. I could see the Smoky Mountains. I could see Mr. French's farm. It made my heart stop beating for just a moment. I'm completely in love with those moments. When I see the world for what it is. Beautiful. Quiet. I felt my legacy in the air. I stand in the house my Daddy grew up in. I try to imagine the life. I picture the fruit trees full. I can see my Mamaw Northern in the front yard picking apples off the ground from the tree that isn't there anymore. I can taste the apple butter she would feed my little body this time of year. I can see every wrinkle around her eyes when she would smile. Every bit of that matters to me.



Feeling pretty sentimental today. I miss my favorite faces. I'm also trying not to be melancholy, but to be proactive about it. I have been sketching a pair of boots for about 45 minutes now. Silly. I love to draw, I wish I had pursued it a little more, but whatta ya do? My hair is all grown out, which I love, ya know since Pete hacked it off a month ago. I have never been that upset with Pete. I am supposed to visit him Tuesday. I still don't know if I'm gonna go. Is that bad? No. I'm just scared. I can get my hair in a leetle pony. It's fall damn it. So I need longer hair. As you know, I have been hesitant about fall. But, I am excited about wearing sweaters. Lots of tights. Leggings. Boots. And, scarfs. I think I just love the layered look.






Today is Old Time Saturday. They have funnel cake. I am motivated by funnel cake. It may be the powdered sugar that really sets me free though. I'm going. Somehow. Possibly by myself. That's alright too. What I will do for funnel cake. Angie and I had a great time last year. That little skunk (kidding) had to remind me and set my soul on fire about it already. P.S. It's 8:40 am. My hair looks exactly like a Japanese cartoon character today. I love it. I think it looks pretty hot. That may be my imagination.







So I'm only doing things I want to do. How accurate. I like to dominate my own life instead of being told what to do. Then I do things out of guilt and then have such contempt for said individual or thing, that I shut them out of my mind. This is the result of living under some one's thumb. It's very uncomfortable. Unbecoming.True story. I want to do things my way. Dare I say, and not sound like an ass..... The right way? That's my plan. The PLN plan that is. Mark it out, X marks the spot, just do it. I'm a nervous ball of energy which is normal for me. Sometimes I ignore said energy and have raging meltdowns. Again, this is normal and expected out of a woman like myself. To know me, is to embrace the unexpected.







OMG. I am seeing Angie and Sue this week. I cannot wait. These special girls have no idea what lifelines they are to me. I would surely die without them. Honestly. Here I am finally awakened by the Prince's kiss. Yes, that Prince. The short one. In purple. The one who makes women orgasm through song, and usually left confused by the whole thing. Who cares? I like short dudes. Sporadic, little dudes. Alright, the tall ones are cool too. Who am I kidding? I like all dudes for the most part. Except for the scary ones. I do not like them.





The soundtrack is Donna Summer. Oh, and Diana Ross. Na na na na! Revival starts this week at my church. I need to go. I feel very convicted to be there. I think this means there will be special messages there for me all week. But that's how I feel about church every Sunday too.


Today is a good day, Oh! Before I forget! Robert Palmer wanted me to remind you that a pretty face don't make a pretty heart!!!!


I love you. I do mean it. CALL ME!

Final Countdown

Here we are my friends. Sisters, brothers. Lovahs. The day may be long. I spoke to Ed a few nights ago, and as usual he was cryptic, and out of his head with his talking. It makes me wonder how we were ever together for 7 years. Then I remember how young, naive, and forgiving I was then. (And now. And now. Still.)








His Daddy has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He said he needed to move closer and be with them. Then it made me wonder if he was setting the pizza in the trap to catch the Dale Gribble version of me in my men's briefs. Possible. Ed is not a warm person. He never has been. He tries. And always falls short. I cannot survive even our friendship some days.





Moving on. Where does a girl find comfort? As in creature comfort and emotional rescue? Mostly, and most importantly, within herself. That's different weather isn't it? I guess I should let that freak flag fly. Nothing wrong with it. In all my confusion and absolute fear of all things "sticky", I find myself feeling very selfish today. I approve of this message. A bit of a love hangover I suppose. These words, are only intended for you. Don't leave them written down on the counter, Champ will eat the piece of paper. I would just hold these words in your heart. The journey is expanding. There is an upswing of things to come. I may not be ready to be settled. All in all, I may never be settled. I may never be cookie cutter. I was told this week that life was never boring around me. This was followed by my voice rising and making a screeching sound when I found a fur lined hat at the Bass Pro Shop. Don't hate on the Bass Pro, I get coffee and hide in the biggest boat in the corner. So much fun. Go ask Alice. When she's ten feet tall.





What if I don't take the chance? What if I don't take a leap? What if it all goes to hell? I may land on my feet though. But even if I landed on my knees, that would be fine too. I would be alright. I would just have to get up. I may be in surgery, I may still be under repair. There are many improvements to be made. I'm just fine with these thoughts and statements. I'm not trying to damage any realationship. I'm not chiseling away at a mountain. I won't. I will not. Especially when things become taxing on me. Fortunately, I am able to recognize the signs. I become moody. I become agitated. I want to clean everything. I remain a nervous wreck until all the negative energy comes pouring out of me. Satisfaction, guaranteed. Its emotionally exhausting to go full force, both barrels loaded. Day in, and day out.





It would not be appropriate for an apology right now. This is it!

If I am: Obsessive.

Passive aggressive.

Nutty.

Creative.

Messy.

Passionate.

Unbelievable.

Talented.

Ready.

Most of the time, (even for me) when we are criticised, or criticize others, ideas, lives. We are seeing insecurities in ourselves, which is uncomfortable. And most of the time.... Numbing.

Here I am being in the middle of being a big deal. (Eye opening.)



I would admire you if you showed a little more gumption. I have fresh wounds. I am vulnerable. But protected like an angler fish. I doubt I am ever too catty. I have been backed up against the wall but true to my nature, I have escaped through your legz. (sp. intentional) How could Bigfoot live if chimpanzees are so sexually aggressive? (I meanz, since "they" believe them to be linked.) Criag Kilmore - Where are you? In love with my own sin. Apparently, this happens often.





Terry, being so kind to me, made 5 CD's for me. Michael Jackson - Greatest Hits (like the CD we listen to in the studio when I give haircuts, Sue.) Billy Idol (makes me lose my mind) The new Reverend Horton Heat (Mind blown) And, drum roll please, MGMT. (Bitchin') The music has compensated my shaky mood. Hallelujah! (I mean, call Leonard Cohen, he stirs me.)



Alright. Dreams? Only on Monday. I had a dream that Brandy and Janet lived with a man. (This is my cousin, and her wife) I was pissed! I told them in my dream, that they were only allowed to love each other. (Sounds too real life for me) We went on a walking adventure that turned Texas Chainsaw Massacre too quickly. As we walked, (in the mountains) we see this crazy haired kid. It really freaks us out, so we spot a barn and run in there. This rockabilly looking dude meets us, and wants to know where we are going. We begin our freak out. He directly talks to me, and tells me we have to go the sausage factory. (Touche!) I stare at him, bc I know what he means. We are in one room, where they cut this man's head off and they grind his body into sausage. (Really) Quickly, we go into another room where more scary shit happens. The rockabilly dude tells me that I have to see how the sausage is made, since I'm the one in control, he tells me.



I woke up. It was creepy.



Harvest Moon is coming. October 4. Longest night of moonlight. I cant wait!


Sometimes I miss having a husband. Ya know when I have to do things menfolk should be doing. I miss the idea of having one more than I want that realationship I think. Although, I have been taught so many lessons, and have really enjoyed all of these growing pains. For instance, I am able to walk in the dark outside, and not be so afraid. I am able to run wild and not be questioned or grilled. I don't have to tiptoe around someone else's opinions, or worry if they may or not be mad at me. I also only have to do shit for myself. And, that's fucking awesome. Bring in a realationship to my life, from the outside looking in at present, shows how others can be um, well, parasites to our own little worlds. I even believe President Obama would support this cockamamie opinion. Huh? This has been proven in a hypothesis I would call, "MY EXISTENCE."


I am open to possibilities. I try. And that's all I can do. So here I am taking all the credit. And, why not? Even though, I have relied on help lately, it has not been easy to accept such kindness. I felt like a failure. Reasoned with myself on uncertain terms. Which proved detrimental. To all areas of my life. It sucks. I was consumed with the fallout, and barely acknowledged the relevance to my healing. I only focus on the repercussions. The results I would not pick for myself. It's alright though. I continue to forgive myself for the screw ups. I do realize the anger extends from the hurt I have had to have in my life. In essence, I am still afraid of the outcome. Those choices I make, will reap fruit. Good or bad.... Right? I hope to hinge (to bring together) a bountiful harvest of good things. Er, things/moments/wonderful options.


The above is conceptually real. I believe in my heart of hearts. I hope with every fiber of my being. I believe most of all. Having faith reaps rewards. I continue to prepare myself for healing. I know, I am entitled to options. The water is rising, and it does rise rapidly. I do agree with Jem, I want to be just like her, complete with the pink hair, and I am going to be truly, truly outrageous. A high maintenance menace.


Still reading a mountain of books..... don't look so shocked. I love you, and I mean it.

Short and Sweet

Like cake.

Er, birthday cake to be exact.


I am ordering my WHAT WOULD TYLER DURDEN DO shirt this week, it's gonna be my PREZENT to myself. I love y'all. I miss you too.

Get ready for mad, wild presentation and representation ASAP.


P.S. Cage the Elephant was everything I wanted it to be. The singer is this tiny, little, sporadic moving man, and of course, I'm in love with him now. Slap Terry a high 5 please.