Now that I can focus on moving on, (hopefully) I hate what the weather does to my mind. I'm tired. I want to lay in bed. Or a bath full of bubble.s (sp. intentional, SN) not to be bothered. Even when The Beach Boys come on, I only smile for a second. It's troubling. It makes me wail Ray LaMontange. It does. I totally feel like that dog in the commercial. Twisting, turning in bed. Praying for a little uh, moonlight? That's right, cause with all the bad weather, I missed the last full moon. I'm bitter!!! So sue me. Wait, dont do that. I have less monetary value than a pair of used jellies.
Where to go? Unsure. I fight to feel hopeful. I fight to feel bright. I have worked out for the past 3 days in a row, and it makes me feel like a ninja fighter all around bad ass. SO I must keep it up. Lent is on its way, and of course, I encourage us all to find something to commit to. Its only for a few weeks!!! My thing, is giving up laziness and gorging myself on cookies. Yes, I realize the evil girl scout cookies are hot on my tracks. Just as long as I get them before the 16th, im fucking gold. Yeah, fucking gold biatches. I can have cookies on Sunday during Lent, take that self!!!!
Insert evil maniacal laugh here. Why? Cause we all need a good dose of feeling better somehow. I fought all morning not to give in to hateful thoughts. And like always, mind over matter, works.
Good luck to the rest of you. B is making chili for us tonight and I am going to bring him a surprise!!! It'll be all teenage lock in at church style. You know what you did at those things.
Im excited!!!
P.S. To the ones on the great sock hunting trail, Godspeed.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
HUH???!!!!!
I know. Im just as wore out as ever. Pickin' out from underneath the ice. I threw salt up and down the driveway and carried the 40 lb bucket. Which produced hurts for me. Shoulder hurts. Thats okay. Hot showers, ice packs, and B rubbing my shoulder with lotion. And A White Dog Staring US Down. We did take the boys out to the back field. Hell, we ran all the way to the back field. Tiger just raising immortal hell. Grinning. If a dog could grin ,then he does. He does. LBD was a good distance in front of us. Barking. Looking back. Encouraging us. She found a "fresh" bone from something dead. The bone was all see through and you could tell it was new to the world. Reborn if you will. We played. We played. We played. It was gorgeous. For a moment I didnt care if it did snow, that I did miss work, that it was gonna be alright. B had been in his bungalow since Wednesday. He said it felt like forever since he had seen me last. It had been. I mean, last Tuesday is forever, right? Of course I agree with a man who loves me. Its weird sometimes that he likes my moodiness, my silliness, my melancholyness.
We caught a beautiful picture of Mr. Kitty laying up in the barn loft. He was content. I was a little jealous. I forget to be content and satisfied with what the world is immediately offering me. I strain to smile at good moments. I ALMOST jumped into the big puddle of run off from the snow and ice melting off the barn. ALMOST.
We ate turkey sandwiches made with bean sprout bread. P.S. - B didnt enjoy his sandwich as I did. He ate it anyway. I believe in eating lots of veggies. Along with a lot of meat. I am a raging carnivore, I just have to have the veggies too. Even in the bread you ask? Yes, and my digestion thanks me.
I did do couch Pilate's this weekend, and if you want to know how, you will just have to order the DVD. No kidding. I only think of you on 2 occasions, thats day, and night......
Big White Dog Slept All Night Long.
I might be a bijiggity mess in all honesty. Oh well. Im taking it as it comes. You know, BABY STEPS. I so watched Groundhog Day this weekend and did make out with the TV. Can Bill Murray help hes such a handsome devil? No. No he cant. I have all these bijiggity thoughts of retirement. Huh? I know, no beuno. Im just gonna do it. Even if I cant touch the sob until im 90. SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!! I am getting it done. I can do it. I can. Just like couch Pilate's. Just like the workout ball. I said I would use them, do them, eat better, feel better about myself, and I AM!!!
All the way through it Conan was headed down the tubes. Or so we thought. His magic will not be hidden long. A little late to discuss Conan? Forgive me, my thoughts are thawing out.
Through the lies you were the truth. Celine Dion
I did read a great devotion this morning, which was my answer. It is by Dr. David Jeremiah
Entitled: Hearing His Voice
To him the door keeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. John 10:3
As you get to know your Shepherd, you will come to realize that when he call you, it is always worth obeying. When he says something, it is for your benefit. If He says, "Go this way," it's because He has green pastures and still waters for you. If He says, "Stop! Don't do that," it's because He's trying to protect you from potential danger, possibly something that is even life-threatening.
The fact that God speaks to us is clear throughout the passages of Scripture. To some, like Moses, God spoke audibly. To others, like the prophet Elijah, He spoke quietly on at least one occasion.
Often we look for the big events, the earthshaking circumstances in which God speaks. And many times He is speaking to us, but it is in a still, small voice. We should try turning off the television, the radio, and the telephone and just listen. With all the noises in our world, with all the information that bombards us, we can hear all those voices but miss the most important voice of all. Maybe one reason we don't hear Him is because we never stop to listen. We should heed the words of Psalm 46:10, which says, "Se still, and know that I am God."
Once we have heard the voice of God, we need to follow. Jesus said, "The sheep follow him, for they know his voice."(John 10:4). The word "follow" means to deliberately decide to comply with instruction. It is a deliberate choice for sheep to follow the Shepherd. We need to deliberately follow our Shepard, to do what He tells us to do.
When God Almighty speaks to you in that still, small voice, will you listen? Will you follow him?
This morning, I answer yes. Because I see/hear God speaking often. Last week, I saw a tiny fawn eating grass by the highway, I drove slowly past her, as if I were the only one to see her. She was close to danger, but somehow knew to stay out of the road. Then, sitting in the parking lot, I saw 2 doves in a cedar tree. They were beautiful. God was telling me to be still. To count my blessings. To not move. God's message to me that day also was: Even though you live alone, support yourself, and live in the middle of the woods, among danger, prey for attack, physical and spiritual, I have chosen you for your strength. Never being defining yourself as weak, but realize you are strong. Not everyone can bear my burdens, and it all feels clear today.
This morning I walked down the driveway, cleared off the car as much as I could and waited for the ice to melt, LBD had followed me to the road. Not only her, but Baby Love was right on my heels!!!! As easy as it would be not to have either of them, realizing I am taking care of more than my share, be it animals, God did the same to Moses. Not so much the critter reference, but the storm, the water, the waiting. I shooed LBD and Baby Love up the driveway. LDB sat. She sat. She waited. She knew I didnt want her in the road, and it was easy as pie to scare the cat back home. As much as I do have, I am learning more and more to be grateful.
LBD did cross the road, but she went under the road and through the drain pipe. She looked satisfied. As if to say, hey, it's alright to do things a different way!
We caught a beautiful picture of Mr. Kitty laying up in the barn loft. He was content. I was a little jealous. I forget to be content and satisfied with what the world is immediately offering me. I strain to smile at good moments. I ALMOST jumped into the big puddle of run off from the snow and ice melting off the barn. ALMOST.
We ate turkey sandwiches made with bean sprout bread. P.S. - B didnt enjoy his sandwich as I did. He ate it anyway. I believe in eating lots of veggies. Along with a lot of meat. I am a raging carnivore, I just have to have the veggies too. Even in the bread you ask? Yes, and my digestion thanks me.
I did do couch Pilate's this weekend, and if you want to know how, you will just have to order the DVD. No kidding. I only think of you on 2 occasions, thats day, and night......
Big White Dog Slept All Night Long.
I might be a bijiggity mess in all honesty. Oh well. Im taking it as it comes. You know, BABY STEPS. I so watched Groundhog Day this weekend and did make out with the TV. Can Bill Murray help hes such a handsome devil? No. No he cant. I have all these bijiggity thoughts of retirement. Huh? I know, no beuno. Im just gonna do it. Even if I cant touch the sob until im 90. SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!! I am getting it done. I can do it. I can. Just like couch Pilate's. Just like the workout ball. I said I would use them, do them, eat better, feel better about myself, and I AM!!!
All the way through it Conan was headed down the tubes. Or so we thought. His magic will not be hidden long. A little late to discuss Conan? Forgive me, my thoughts are thawing out.
Through the lies you were the truth. Celine Dion
I did read a great devotion this morning, which was my answer. It is by Dr. David Jeremiah
Entitled: Hearing His Voice
To him the door keeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. John 10:3
As you get to know your Shepherd, you will come to realize that when he call you, it is always worth obeying. When he says something, it is for your benefit. If He says, "Go this way," it's because He has green pastures and still waters for you. If He says, "Stop! Don't do that," it's because He's trying to protect you from potential danger, possibly something that is even life-threatening.
The fact that God speaks to us is clear throughout the passages of Scripture. To some, like Moses, God spoke audibly. To others, like the prophet Elijah, He spoke quietly on at least one occasion.
Often we look for the big events, the earthshaking circumstances in which God speaks. And many times He is speaking to us, but it is in a still, small voice. We should try turning off the television, the radio, and the telephone and just listen. With all the noises in our world, with all the information that bombards us, we can hear all those voices but miss the most important voice of all. Maybe one reason we don't hear Him is because we never stop to listen. We should heed the words of Psalm 46:10, which says, "Se still, and know that I am God."
Once we have heard the voice of God, we need to follow. Jesus said, "The sheep follow him, for they know his voice."(John 10:4). The word "follow" means to deliberately decide to comply with instruction. It is a deliberate choice for sheep to follow the Shepherd. We need to deliberately follow our Shepard, to do what He tells us to do.
When God Almighty speaks to you in that still, small voice, will you listen? Will you follow him?
This morning, I answer yes. Because I see/hear God speaking often. Last week, I saw a tiny fawn eating grass by the highway, I drove slowly past her, as if I were the only one to see her. She was close to danger, but somehow knew to stay out of the road. Then, sitting in the parking lot, I saw 2 doves in a cedar tree. They were beautiful. God was telling me to be still. To count my blessings. To not move. God's message to me that day also was: Even though you live alone, support yourself, and live in the middle of the woods, among danger, prey for attack, physical and spiritual, I have chosen you for your strength. Never being defining yourself as weak, but realize you are strong. Not everyone can bear my burdens, and it all feels clear today.
This morning I walked down the driveway, cleared off the car as much as I could and waited for the ice to melt, LBD had followed me to the road. Not only her, but Baby Love was right on my heels!!!! As easy as it would be not to have either of them, realizing I am taking care of more than my share, be it animals, God did the same to Moses. Not so much the critter reference, but the storm, the water, the waiting. I shooed LBD and Baby Love up the driveway. LDB sat. She sat. She waited. She knew I didnt want her in the road, and it was easy as pie to scare the cat back home. As much as I do have, I am learning more and more to be grateful.
LBD did cross the road, but she went under the road and through the drain pipe. She looked satisfied. As if to say, hey, it's alright to do things a different way!
Im taken care of, and so are you. Whether we know or not. I know many Elijah's, Ruth's, Esther's, Noah's, Moses', John's, Peter's, Noah's..... so on and so forth.
Usually at my 5 'o clock rendezvous with Champ and his bladder, once inside and back in bed, I always say the same prayer. Lord, keep me safe. I pray the same for you. Call me religious all you want, and dont call me late for supper either......
I love you.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
On the move
Invalidator? Validator? Trusting? Or naive? Bad to worse? Fair to middlin'. There are such long and lonely days. Whether you have it all or even just a little bit. Its tough when you feel as worn down as a smooth rock found in the river. After years of rough water flowing on top of you, beside you, underneath you, its bound to happen. I have been desperately sitting still and listening. Am I doing enough? Wheres the boundary? Do I still have to try? Sometimes the answer is yes, but most of the time no.
B and I had a great day yesterday. We were 2 peas in a pod. I voted we move to a desolate island, dogs and all. The reason? Is because there is so much that "could" happen. We ran into a dude that B goes to church with. He was talking about his wife having "the fever" and that she needed to go to work or school, she just couldnt stay home and do "nothing." Which makes sense. But it also pushed my buttons. I continuously ate my fried rice and veggies so didnt offend. B and I were both in hairy moods even though the day was good and we were happy to have some time to spend with each other. I grinned like a Cheshire cat. B drags all kinds of shit out of me, even when its hard to say. I dont know how how he does his black magic, but it works on me. I sit there singing like a bird. (not in front of Reid though.) I suppose with B, I know there will not ever be consequences for just saying whats up. He might disagree, but even if he does he always makes it sound okay. I dont feel attacked or let down, or dragged through the mud. Life is hard. Thats a fact. But shouldnt we be trying to make things easier for the people who matter? The ones who love us?
I discussed negative thoughts and feelings yesterday, and B was able to communicate his doubts and fears too. Which has helped us feel better. I believe in time. I believe in taking steps. As a student of Bill Murray, I can hear him repeat : Baby steps.
So then I question it all. AM I listening? Am I calm enough? If things rock my boat, shouldnt I ignore it? What if facing these things I have real healthy fears about, hurt?
Well dear if I didnt build myself so damn much on my bed of fear, anxiety, doubt, and what ifs, my doggone fall woulndt hurt so badly. Right?
I do not ignore the fact I know good things are coming, answers, endings, results will happen. I hope I groom myself into preparing my mind for all things possible or impossible for that matter. I cant stand still and ignore the wind.
P.S. Im crushing on John Mayer again. Its sick, I know.
B and I had a great day yesterday. We were 2 peas in a pod. I voted we move to a desolate island, dogs and all. The reason? Is because there is so much that "could" happen. We ran into a dude that B goes to church with. He was talking about his wife having "the fever" and that she needed to go to work or school, she just couldnt stay home and do "nothing." Which makes sense. But it also pushed my buttons. I continuously ate my fried rice and veggies so didnt offend. B and I were both in hairy moods even though the day was good and we were happy to have some time to spend with each other. I grinned like a Cheshire cat. B drags all kinds of shit out of me, even when its hard to say. I dont know how how he does his black magic, but it works on me. I sit there singing like a bird. (not in front of Reid though.) I suppose with B, I know there will not ever be consequences for just saying whats up. He might disagree, but even if he does he always makes it sound okay. I dont feel attacked or let down, or dragged through the mud. Life is hard. Thats a fact. But shouldnt we be trying to make things easier for the people who matter? The ones who love us?
I discussed negative thoughts and feelings yesterday, and B was able to communicate his doubts and fears too. Which has helped us feel better. I believe in time. I believe in taking steps. As a student of Bill Murray, I can hear him repeat : Baby steps.
So then I question it all. AM I listening? Am I calm enough? If things rock my boat, shouldnt I ignore it? What if facing these things I have real healthy fears about, hurt?
Well dear if I didnt build myself so damn much on my bed of fear, anxiety, doubt, and what ifs, my doggone fall woulndt hurt so badly. Right?
I do not ignore the fact I know good things are coming, answers, endings, results will happen. I hope I groom myself into preparing my mind for all things possible or impossible for that matter. I cant stand still and ignore the wind.
P.S. Im crushing on John Mayer again. Its sick, I know.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Bird IS the Word, Sis.
The mixture of Johnny Cash and the like are flying through my head today. From "Understand your Man" to "Sunday Morning Coming Down." January has been an excruciatingly long month. Not only for me but for everyone I know. In the stillness though, I am reminded to slow down. To keep my eye on the horizon. Study the branches without leaves against the sky. Unfortunately, this also breeds winds of change. I told y'all last week it was coming. I get this way every year. All ancy and rearrangy. My personality struggles with the wrong fit. Coming from a lady who ate 6 doughnuts yesterday, I am trying like hell to mend fences today.
Fence has been mended. Although it took an act of congress. Daddy confessed he just gave up. Didnt care if the farm fell down around his ears. I understand. but it took a raging, crying meltdown of a fit from me on Friday to finally convince my Daddy of all these bad things happening to his daughter and that I was so miserable and mad with just living with it. Having neighbors cows in your yard, p.s. that have to travel from the back field that constantly get into the yard which is a nasty mess any way, the yard you have to walk back and forth to get to the door with mud caked to your shoes, from taking care of your inside animals to the outside animals..... so on and so forth. I started to hate where I live. I had to tell Daddy so. It hurt. It hurt him, it hurt me, but it brought forth progress the next day. Daddy and Ernie fixed all the fence around the barn, my house and down the driveway a spell. I cried when I saw all the work they had accomplished on Saturday, which also turned all my animosity into a grateful heart.
I dont know why it has to be so bad to make it better, but it seems to be the most intelligent step.
B is facing so many trap doors lately. Which is heartbreaking. BC he always takes care of me no matter what. He bought me a super warm fleece and wool socks for my birthday. I needed them, and nearly have them both wore out. It seems so small, but he seems so careful with me. This weekend we decided I was an elusive snow leopard..... he never fials to make me smile. B shows a lot of strength even though he is at an all time low privately and professionally. Even though I need all kinds of help, he never refuses to do so. Which in turn makes me want to be his helper. Want is powerful. I want B to have job. Being out of a job for 10 months isnt fun. I am grateful for the plight though. If he hadnt had this time, maybe we wouldnt have been able to develop a tight knit friendship, and it wouldnt have filled our hearts with love. One day in the summer we ran out of gas on Piedmont road. We got it off the road and called for help. We sat on the side of the road with legs flung into the top of a creek. We saw a critter swimming in the water. We threw walnuts into the water. We laughed. It didnt matter we ran out of gas. It was an amazing day, and now its a memory of us.
All week it has rained. Stormed. Thrashed. Knowing nothings perfect, B has been sick, not having a job has taken away a sense of pride, he still smiles. He discovered yesterday that someone had backed into the mailbox, and its all screwed up. The post isnt okay, the box seems okay, but its still a bummer. His dryer broke through the week but his parents had an extra so we were able to move it Saturday. Luke and B put the new dryer in last night, but it completely spent him. This is one of the few times I have seen B as upset as he is. Like always, trying to protect me, I believe its bad. I believe it has went from bad to worse.
I dont care to walk over the volcano with him though.
Having a grateful heart is hard work, but just like everything else in the world, its worth it. Im struggling with so many burdens, just like you. I didnt go to church yesterday because we just needed a break. I did read a lot of the bible last night which has delivered great peace. Peace is a treasure. Peace is something I will fight to the death for. Hope sustains me in the drought, in the valley, in the plain fact things just wont go the way I try to plan. So what I can do is commit to is having faith. In knowing it will work out, knowing it may get even worse before it gets better. Recognizing the outcome is better than the circumstance. Just trying.
B is the priority bc he had/has/will/is making me a priority. His actions have made me a believer when all I believed was nothing good can come out of realationships/building futures/and being crippled by the past. Hopefully, I can master the Jedi skills he obviously possesses. I also have stopped believing LIES I have believed about myself. (not all of them though, rebuilding and changing ourselves takes time.)
Bryans job IS coming. How do I know? I just do. It burns in my belly. The coming job keeps me alert. It also prepares me for the changes which will come. As unsettling as it is, more changes are about to happen. Whether birth or death. Literal birth and death, not physical, btw. I think I am getting ready. Putting on armor. Being slow in my movements may be the most wonderful thing for us. I know I am still going to run out of patience, but I also know I will be refilled. So will B. So will our outlooks.
Things, situations, beings do not change on their own, its inevitable. And nothing will stop it.
Fence has been mended. Although it took an act of congress. Daddy confessed he just gave up. Didnt care if the farm fell down around his ears. I understand. but it took a raging, crying meltdown of a fit from me on Friday to finally convince my Daddy of all these bad things happening to his daughter and that I was so miserable and mad with just living with it. Having neighbors cows in your yard, p.s. that have to travel from the back field that constantly get into the yard which is a nasty mess any way, the yard you have to walk back and forth to get to the door with mud caked to your shoes, from taking care of your inside animals to the outside animals..... so on and so forth. I started to hate where I live. I had to tell Daddy so. It hurt. It hurt him, it hurt me, but it brought forth progress the next day. Daddy and Ernie fixed all the fence around the barn, my house and down the driveway a spell. I cried when I saw all the work they had accomplished on Saturday, which also turned all my animosity into a grateful heart.
I dont know why it has to be so bad to make it better, but it seems to be the most intelligent step.
B is facing so many trap doors lately. Which is heartbreaking. BC he always takes care of me no matter what. He bought me a super warm fleece and wool socks for my birthday. I needed them, and nearly have them both wore out. It seems so small, but he seems so careful with me. This weekend we decided I was an elusive snow leopard..... he never fials to make me smile. B shows a lot of strength even though he is at an all time low privately and professionally. Even though I need all kinds of help, he never refuses to do so. Which in turn makes me want to be his helper. Want is powerful. I want B to have job. Being out of a job for 10 months isnt fun. I am grateful for the plight though. If he hadnt had this time, maybe we wouldnt have been able to develop a tight knit friendship, and it wouldnt have filled our hearts with love. One day in the summer we ran out of gas on Piedmont road. We got it off the road and called for help. We sat on the side of the road with legs flung into the top of a creek. We saw a critter swimming in the water. We threw walnuts into the water. We laughed. It didnt matter we ran out of gas. It was an amazing day, and now its a memory of us.
All week it has rained. Stormed. Thrashed. Knowing nothings perfect, B has been sick, not having a job has taken away a sense of pride, he still smiles. He discovered yesterday that someone had backed into the mailbox, and its all screwed up. The post isnt okay, the box seems okay, but its still a bummer. His dryer broke through the week but his parents had an extra so we were able to move it Saturday. Luke and B put the new dryer in last night, but it completely spent him. This is one of the few times I have seen B as upset as he is. Like always, trying to protect me, I believe its bad. I believe it has went from bad to worse.
I dont care to walk over the volcano with him though.
Having a grateful heart is hard work, but just like everything else in the world, its worth it. Im struggling with so many burdens, just like you. I didnt go to church yesterday because we just needed a break. I did read a lot of the bible last night which has delivered great peace. Peace is a treasure. Peace is something I will fight to the death for. Hope sustains me in the drought, in the valley, in the plain fact things just wont go the way I try to plan. So what I can do is commit to is having faith. In knowing it will work out, knowing it may get even worse before it gets better. Recognizing the outcome is better than the circumstance. Just trying.
B is the priority bc he had/has/will/is making me a priority. His actions have made me a believer when all I believed was nothing good can come out of realationships/building futures/and being crippled by the past. Hopefully, I can master the Jedi skills he obviously possesses. I also have stopped believing LIES I have believed about myself. (not all of them though, rebuilding and changing ourselves takes time.)
Bryans job IS coming. How do I know? I just do. It burns in my belly. The coming job keeps me alert. It also prepares me for the changes which will come. As unsettling as it is, more changes are about to happen. Whether birth or death. Literal birth and death, not physical, btw. I think I am getting ready. Putting on armor. Being slow in my movements may be the most wonderful thing for us. I know I am still going to run out of patience, but I also know I will be refilled. So will B. So will our outlooks.
Things, situations, beings do not change on their own, its inevitable. And nothing will stop it.
I am going to try to be prepared though. You might find me on the side of the road, imperfect but aware. Legs flung. I think all the work, waiting, and pure want will be worth it.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
2 Smart Women/and 1 man I can respect.
One day at a time - this is enough.
Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone.
And do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet to come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
Ida Scott Taylor
Home is where you are treated with dignity ans respect and where you feel safe and deserving.
Even on the worst days.
Woman who runs a homeless shelter - NYC
Work and love,
if you can be successful in both -
even if the work is really hard -
you'll be happy.
Freud
Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone.
And do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet to come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
Ida Scott Taylor
Home is where you are treated with dignity ans respect and where you feel safe and deserving.
Even on the worst days.
Woman who runs a homeless shelter - NYC
Work and love,
if you can be successful in both -
even if the work is really hard -
you'll be happy.
Freud
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Lady Bird - up all night
With a little Kenny Loggins, it'll be alright.
I couldnt put any more progressive effort into it any further. the shiny dimes in your eyes. (I love that song.) Made me gloriously angry. Angry @ who? Angry @ me. Unable to process the emotions we continue to tenure the idea. I need to heal, so let me apologize for the fun of it. One more game. (Dont let me hold you back.) Whatever.
Say it.
Get over it.
I cant sit in this mud pile any longer. It hurts to get dirty when you know its not a fair fight. Oh sucker punch. Its comfort in the bottle.
Recognize the difference?
Made to sufficiently fail at procuring correct destiny.
Should I point fingers? Only at myself.
Can I help your identity is so imaginary?
My bad.
I have a lot to give. A lot to take away. Glad you had decided to take stock in me, even though the hen house was immaculate. Them City hens are pretty plain, once you take off the lipstick.
I do have extenuating mercy for the ones who may not deserve it. Claim it.
I might have a chance at something bigger and greater.
Very Circus-like.
I have a struggle of not sharing myself. Most of the time I need rest.
From me. From the guilt. The remorse.
I aint afraid of no ghost.
Its the indigestion that follows that makes me hate the food in order for me to survive.
Even though the fall hurt, it still happened.
There may not be an end.
To my self-punishment.
All of a sudden
I was expected to be a woman. ( Watch So I Married An Axe Murderer)
A mind reader.
Know it all.
I was just plain though.
In that case, I need more information.
Let go, pick the bloom, more will come then.
Im as quivery as a sleepin dog. Wild in my dreams. No one knows why I tremor.
I couldnt put any more progressive effort into it any further. the shiny dimes in your eyes. (I love that song.) Made me gloriously angry. Angry @ who? Angry @ me. Unable to process the emotions we continue to tenure the idea. I need to heal, so let me apologize for the fun of it. One more game. (Dont let me hold you back.) Whatever.
Say it.
Get over it.
I cant sit in this mud pile any longer. It hurts to get dirty when you know its not a fair fight. Oh sucker punch. Its comfort in the bottle.
Recognize the difference?
Made to sufficiently fail at procuring correct destiny.
Should I point fingers? Only at myself.
Can I help your identity is so imaginary?
My bad.
I have a lot to give. A lot to take away. Glad you had decided to take stock in me, even though the hen house was immaculate. Them City hens are pretty plain, once you take off the lipstick.
I do have extenuating mercy for the ones who may not deserve it. Claim it.
I might have a chance at something bigger and greater.
Very Circus-like.
I have a struggle of not sharing myself. Most of the time I need rest.
From me. From the guilt. The remorse.
I aint afraid of no ghost.
Its the indigestion that follows that makes me hate the food in order for me to survive.
Even though the fall hurt, it still happened.
There may not be an end.
To my self-punishment.
All of a sudden
I was expected to be a woman. ( Watch So I Married An Axe Murderer)
A mind reader.
Know it all.
I was just plain though.
In that case, I need more information.
Let go, pick the bloom, more will come then.
Im as quivery as a sleepin dog. Wild in my dreams. No one knows why I tremor.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Chances are
Slim to none. Odds are stacked.
The borders of my imagination, suffers. All I gotta do is live with the knowledge stored up in me. Consistently trying. Sometimes I feel like a fool for the way I feel, but all I can do is emote what is happening, or the way I see it. My perception is not like yours. So that makes me special. It keeps my eyes big in hope and dual frustration. Teetering on the balance of falling off my feet. Or day tripping through the daises too much. Not even my darkest secret could throw me off the horse. Just that imaginary rattlesnake. Not THAT one, the one next to it.
Sometimes my words come out WAY too melancholy for others to comprehend. This is my nature. Utterly ignorantly happy in my spasms of euphoria. Battled to the ground with your perception, just as equal to mine. Only you had to google your opinion. I sit ripe with guilt and absolute irritation.
Feeling a touch patronized for airing the facts. The facts of life. And, Tootie just isnt present. I feel unbelievably vicious, which humanizes me just a tad further. Its my private joy. To be understood in the mist of all your pessimistic attitudes.
She said it would be just fine to wash out the egg shells. And, I value her opinion. I hold it close to my psyche. We all need a person who fuels our fires. Artistically and with an open mind. It also helps to be on the same path. I JUST hate getting lost in the woods.
Or falling on the electric fence.
That s.o.b was TURNED UP!
Im learning to exagerate just a litle more, but only about cold hard facts. This is my one facet I need to shine your eyes with. Im sure your vision could return within the week. I hope so.
I essentially closed my eyes and worried for nothing. My gratitude was overwhelming, and its so unfortunate it wasnt noticed. (Insert "Poor Unfortunate Souls here.) I liked Ursula. But only for the whole power trip thing. You know me, on the coattails of the bullies. (Here I am french kissing BOTH eels.)
Eyes red from staying up late and anxiously waiting to get to write it out..... the morning is my battle. Not the night. On the river known as denial. The water is a beautiful shade of plum.
he mentioned how I have aged well. Due to all the sleeping and napping. And lack of others draining the unbearable life out of me. I look like a brand new Barbie doll. Except, it would be okay for Holli to cut my hair off. Just you let her.
Im working on not assuming things. Im working on the natural order. I m working on going with my gut. Im suppressing my smile in order to save your ego. Its fancy and cat and mouse. Rather than eating the ham sandwich under the trap, I would go hungry.
And I do quite well with it.
I suppose its the thirst that drives me mad. It may have been a little much. Putting on the show. Presumption showing its ugly teeth in the cave. How could it have happened? I had only one drink!!!! This is the spiral.
It only takes one.
Spark of magic, let the torment begin. Remind me why everything felt so far away? They grow up way too fast. Our pitiful excuse for a brain that is. Once it turns into jello its hard to put it in a helmet. Always use protection.
I know its just a head.
Just ahead though, is right around the bend.
It turns out, youre just as emotionally handicapped as the rest of us. Claiming your condition doesnt make you any more sexy. Owning the fact you are living on medication, and believing such things as delusional unicorns having picnics on my lap, wouldnt count either.
So cut the shit. I know the game.
Be the animal. Live the animal.
It only takes practice.
The borders of my imagination, suffers. All I gotta do is live with the knowledge stored up in me. Consistently trying. Sometimes I feel like a fool for the way I feel, but all I can do is emote what is happening, or the way I see it. My perception is not like yours. So that makes me special. It keeps my eyes big in hope and dual frustration. Teetering on the balance of falling off my feet. Or day tripping through the daises too much. Not even my darkest secret could throw me off the horse. Just that imaginary rattlesnake. Not THAT one, the one next to it.
Sometimes my words come out WAY too melancholy for others to comprehend. This is my nature. Utterly ignorantly happy in my spasms of euphoria. Battled to the ground with your perception, just as equal to mine. Only you had to google your opinion. I sit ripe with guilt and absolute irritation.
Feeling a touch patronized for airing the facts. The facts of life. And, Tootie just isnt present. I feel unbelievably vicious, which humanizes me just a tad further. Its my private joy. To be understood in the mist of all your pessimistic attitudes.
She said it would be just fine to wash out the egg shells. And, I value her opinion. I hold it close to my psyche. We all need a person who fuels our fires. Artistically and with an open mind. It also helps to be on the same path. I JUST hate getting lost in the woods.
Or falling on the electric fence.
That s.o.b was TURNED UP!
Im learning to exagerate just a litle more, but only about cold hard facts. This is my one facet I need to shine your eyes with. Im sure your vision could return within the week. I hope so.
I essentially closed my eyes and worried for nothing. My gratitude was overwhelming, and its so unfortunate it wasnt noticed. (Insert "Poor Unfortunate Souls here.) I liked Ursula. But only for the whole power trip thing. You know me, on the coattails of the bullies. (Here I am french kissing BOTH eels.)
Eyes red from staying up late and anxiously waiting to get to write it out..... the morning is my battle. Not the night. On the river known as denial. The water is a beautiful shade of plum.
he mentioned how I have aged well. Due to all the sleeping and napping. And lack of others draining the unbearable life out of me. I look like a brand new Barbie doll. Except, it would be okay for Holli to cut my hair off. Just you let her.
Im working on not assuming things. Im working on the natural order. I m working on going with my gut. Im suppressing my smile in order to save your ego. Its fancy and cat and mouse. Rather than eating the ham sandwich under the trap, I would go hungry.
And I do quite well with it.
I suppose its the thirst that drives me mad. It may have been a little much. Putting on the show. Presumption showing its ugly teeth in the cave. How could it have happened? I had only one drink!!!! This is the spiral.
It only takes one.
Spark of magic, let the torment begin. Remind me why everything felt so far away? They grow up way too fast. Our pitiful excuse for a brain that is. Once it turns into jello its hard to put it in a helmet. Always use protection.
I know its just a head.
Just ahead though, is right around the bend.
It turns out, youre just as emotionally handicapped as the rest of us. Claiming your condition doesnt make you any more sexy. Owning the fact you are living on medication, and believing such things as delusional unicorns having picnics on my lap, wouldnt count either.
So cut the shit. I know the game.
Be the animal. Live the animal.
It only takes practice.
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