Fox Hunt

I am not just trying, I am succeeding. Somehow, by God's infinite mercy. He allows me to succeed. On the daily. Just as He helps you. I am positive of this statement, even if you feel unaware. Sowing good seeds have been difficult. I harbor a lot of pain and resentment. Even though I believe it gets better on the daily, I am still struggling. At least I am trying to recognize my shortcomings, and I do work on them. Fervently.

I will stand firm. On my principles, belief system, core values, and overall everyday emotion. God created me with a passionate spirit. I feel it's important to pursue all fires burning in my heart, with said passion.

And you should be terrified. You should. It's going to be okay, but don't say I haven't given fair warning.

Overall - I continue with my short, but encouraging prayer. Dear Lord, Just don't let me wait too long!


Accept responsibility - then react. Take avenues necessary for healing. Do the hard things, it allows the easy tasks to show up. Do them gladly.

On the lighter side? I am wearing "skinny pants." They are not cutting into my thighs like normal, and this puts a smile on my face. Even though I am suspicious. BC, my underthings feel like an over extended rubber band, and if I move too much, they may pop. Turns out - I am wearing too small underthings bought during an emergency hour of my life. Therefore, too small.

And yes, it is a margin irritating.

It's going to be okay. Alright? So stop holding your breath. I still love you.

P.S. Champ fell off the bed last night. He's fine. It was kinda funny.

Matters of the Heart

Today has already been a trying day. Nothing trivial about the dogs, or how I created any schemes....... Hardly. I'm really angry today. And probably at you. So there. There's not any comfort anyone can really offer me right now. Understand? There is not a person alive who can soothe me even just an inch. There may never be with the way I feel right now. I am praying diligently. I am praying for miracles. I am not angry with God.








Ronny French died unexpectedly yesterday. I am tore up. He is my neighbor. His wife was my elementary school principle. Oh, and these people mentioned above, are my family. He had such uncontrollable diabetes that apparently killed him. Well, it was complications from diabetes. Did you hear me? Diabetes!!!! What an incredible example of how your body can hold you captive. And kill you. This is why I freak about food a lot of the time. I GET reality. I look at my family history. I understand what I come from. I may never forget this, one day we were sittin' at the store playin' rook and Ronny was telling how he loved raw potato. Bertie Jean was cookin' some, and he grab a small piece. It made his blood sugar go through the roof. Really? A tiny piece of potato?








So the next time you think I am being silly about food and weight and all that jazz. Please think of Ronny French and try to have some understanding of my issue. It's painful. And I won't ever relax about it.








Another thing, stop being so fucking pissy with your partner. If they are fucking up, you need to talk to them about it. The issue will not resolve itself, and some don't have the luxury you have to express the way you feel to your partner. If you're not strong enough to tell your partner, call your Pastor. He or she would be glad to help you. That's the end of that rant. And please take those words to heart, I don't have the gumption to keep that little cookie in any longer. Alright?





Grow up.







If you can't tell, I am in a raw dog mood. It's not puppies and sunshine today. I'm elated about it too.







Another thing, Mama is on my nerves, and she doesn't even know it. She started in on how she wants Daddy to sell the farm. Oh, don't worry about me, she told me! She and Daddy would buy me a little house! (This is sarcasm, in case you were wondering.) Being a burden isn't easy as you all can gather. It's not very fun, it's not very pleasant to be involved in either. What to do now? Just let everything fall down around me? Surrender to having nothing? Again? She reminded me that people start over all the time, and later in life. Oh really? Do those folks have a support system in place? Because I feel like mine is falling apart to my ankles like a shot pair of pantyhose.







Would it matter I feel like things are coming to blows in cataclysmic proportions? Would it matter if it does shatter? What next? I'm asking you. And your opinion, WHAT NEXT?

I'm sorry if any of this has hurt anyone's feelings. I'm sorry if it has made anyone's neck hot, and experience the swelling of your lips, and make them tremble. My apologies if the tears are hot on your cheeks. This is it though. This is me. So instead of being worried about me, believing I am negative,or thinking I'm too hurt, or too hot to handle, maybe the focus should be on yourself. And your scope.

Because actually, I'm just fine.

P.S. Sad over the Sox losing, but they continue on too. (Warriors!)

It's Alright! Really!

Time keeps marching on. As do I. Experience. Is still on its way too, but I'm trying not to be so judgemental about said thing. Its wet here. It is humid. When I walk in the grass, (cause its too high), it makes my attitude a little testy. Who can blame me, right? I'm still on the corner waiting for you to pick me up. Oh? You thought I was in the porch swing. Well, we should mend our fences with this miscommunication. (or, ill communication) (Only when speaking in Beastie Boys language though.) I suppose that would be a grand vision. Little ol' me all dressed up in my whitest white sparkling WB. Chucks dangling. Special. Almost ground breaking.







I'm asking nicely to everyone to put away their daggers and try like hell not to stab me the next few weeks. Like it or not, ROCK IT or not, October is a traumatic time for me. I hope it doesn't always feel this way. But it might. I can understand when I have heard the old folks talk about the day JFK was shot. Do you remember where you were? Apparently, I am addicted to emotions, feelings. I love the whole scheme of it all. Its grand comfort. Even when I clench my teeth and smile.







Turns out, here I am with "Whats next." Any suggestions? I could be a championship bull rider. I could opt out and live off the grid. I could, finish a thought. Maybe, I will just begin. You know, wing it. Whole heartedly, arms wide open, eyes, wide shut.







Zero dreams this week, and I'm glad. They generally exhaust me. I look too deeply at everything. I examine every morsel with a microscope. And sometimes that isn't fair. To me. I push possibilities out the door before they take off the hat and coat. Generally speaking that is.







Bryan told me he needed help with the farm. Being sick has pushed us farther back. Its disappointing. Its difficult. To be sick. First and foremost, I have been so terribly sick I have been unable to anything. (Did it stop me from doing inside chores? Never!) I have not been able to move trees, load trucks, burn anything down. Its bullshit. It compels me to anger, and we all know how quick to anger I am. (%$&#*!@) Hoping to get back on track and somehow wrangle in some help. I believe I have a plan, and like all things remotely screwy, its working together in my little head.







1. Finish farm, work way down to road.
2. Hang new door.
3. Finish table.
4. Finish anything.







P.S. We all have the power to be exceptional.





1 Corinthians 12:21
The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!"
And the head cannot say to the feet,
"I don't need you!"







If you see where I am going with this, Congratulations. Because I do need you. I'm not willing to cut off my feet or hands in a futile effort to be lame. I continually need our friendships to maintain some kind of stable footing. I do. If I have to labor, then I just have to. The fruit has and will continue to be rewarding. I will see it flourish. I am that strong. Just not Army strong.







I am still praying. Going to church Sunday. ( I pronounce it, SUN-DEE ) I cant wait. If I cry, I cry. If I don't, then... well, if I don't, something might be wrong with me. There it is. I have drawn conclusions and I am sticking with them. (This is where you sign your name on the dotted line.)







I might be having a Jimmy Buffet moment. (Hell, it could be my fault.) Taking responsibility isn't easy. And I hate it. I'm not very good with realizing I may have screwed up. I am though, working things out. I am moving on. I am, cracking open the champagne on the boat. Its on. Its so flippin shove off time. So either move out of the way or join the maiden voyage. It may be a real heart breaker. It might end our dance. It may make you take the lead. Who knows? But its here.







Whitney called. She asked "How will I know if he really loves me?" I told her I would call her back on that matter..... you know, @ a decent hour, and not when shes in the shower....







I still think, in this reality, Mr. Pattison hair, Tyler Durden disposition man is somewhere in the mountains, finishing his great masterpiece of a novel. He probably talks about me the same way I talk about him. Fondly. Right? Its too close to tell. Meantime, I maintain my loyalty to the man. Scouts honor.







In String Theory, we are planning our vacation.......

Do you really think I believe you have forgotten about me? No. Even though I agreed that the shoes don't fit, you still questioned the size. How shallow, Hal. How shallow. There's always margin for error, and you should have already manned up. Am I disappointed? Hardly. Since your running history isn't spotless. But remember, we can always turn around. We can always head in a new direction. I'm staring at you at this point in the game. And maybe a touch resentful. I do feel better to reveal that part of my nature. You know, the rat on the boat that eats everything, all greedy like. (No one likes that part of you, PLN)

So I'm still all crazy bones about what I am eating. Even though, I have had pizza the past two days, and I may vomit from said ingestion. I will recover though.

My life continues to be amazing by the way, or BTW, depends on your experience..... or Paula experience, whatever.... but!!! Jeff Lewis has a blog. On his website. And, on BravoTV. I am losing my mind. Angie hasn't helped, being the ring leader of said facilitation. Oh yes she is!That's who pointed out these 2 genius things I adore. Blogging and Jeff Lewis!!!???? Are you kidding me? Consider me to be a complete woman!!!! I can waste away into oblivion now. Its totally like giving Scooby, a Scooby snack. Ya know he gets all freaked out, and cant wait. Mouth watering. If loving Jeff Lewis is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

I still want to blow $400.00 each on beautiful dresses on that etsy shop link Sue had sent. I do. Most of them are exclusive, and custom, and vintage. It makes me wanna blow my head off, recover all parts, re glue them together, and do it all over again. I would fit in most of these dresses. Except for the chesty sized dresses. Just sayin'. I would have to stuff. With knee socks.

Do you think that's enough? At least for now, right?

I'm just as shocked

Not really, cause I just dont play that. Lots to cover. Lots in my head. Praying. All the time right now. Some may call it obsessive, but I leave all that kind of behavior and energy to Jeff Lewis. We all get fixated. Right? Well. Dont look at me so wide eyed and bushy tailed. Thanks to Angie, I am mesmerized by Jeff. And his lips. And his dog kennels in the closet. I, am in love. I mean, I want to have his uber tall, big lipped babies.



But he wont like them. (Angie, you may be the only one who will get that reference.)



Oh my gosh. If you are not watching Flipping Out on Bravo, you might as well kill yourself now. Hes my new role model. My go to. My Cherie amore. Wow. Bold statement. I cant help it. His magic is so wonderful, it makes me giddy. And, ready to grab my prison shank.





Listen, I would just wave at Jeff. (Like I wave at cows.) Thats so what I do when I really like something. (Usually inanimate objects, but we all have to make sacrifices, right?)





I would run wild with Zoila, (his housekeeper) and we would consult with Angie how to make the most efficient prank calls. (Shes a genius.)



I just cant take it.



So what's so bad, about feelin' good? Nothing as far as Ben Lee and I are concerned. I dig his lyrics. I woke up pretty raw dog today. I woke up late, had to leave the house early, it was still dark!!! The past few days I have been the biggest scardy cat. I cant even watch CSI Miami. Everything is shaking me up. Last night didnt help. I was on the phone, (shocker) pattin' my foot on the floor, which made Tiger insane. He starts barking, and growling. Basically, I start getting scared. Then, out of nowhere, Champ jumps off the couch, gallops into the kitchen, and starts barking. I remind Champ, that he is deaf, and to stop feeding off the paranoia that Tiger has created. But he doesnt stop. Which scares me more. At that point, I had gotten off the phone. then I decide Champ has to pee. (Cause he shot me pee pee eyes.) Of course, I called Bryan, phone in hand Champs lead on my arm, gun on my shoulder, I take them out. No one is out there, but champ almost takes my head off when he decides to chase the cat. Bull shit. Bryan, of course, offered to come up, I told him no. He offered to call his dad, to call my dad, then offered to call Brian Woods down the road. No, no, no. Im fine. Er, I will be. and, I was. Fine. that is. Still am.



Well, this is where I remind us all. Its important to adopt an attitude. Especially when you stand out so much. Susceptible to attack. Im absolutely an equivalent to Moby Dick. I have to be aggressive. Assert myself. Im just that tough. and animated.



Back to Champ, he is busy on a nightly basis, staying effectively busy with the couch afghan. He has a firm belief the thing will learn its lesson and help the thing meet its demise, if he has anything to do with it. (Lord willing, Champ would like to add.)


See ya in the funny papers. And, oh yeah, I still miss you!

11 Years old!!!

Yeah!!!! That's what I said! Haley will be 11 tomorrow. So sending her flowers to her school! I love that baby!!! Er, 11 year old.

If you were wondering, it's not lonely in my mind. Why I'm actually untangled. And remotely drama-free. It's coming you know. The cold. Which I am terrified of, and obsessed with bringing it up. I love you too. Not that I want to leave. It's just that I need to visit. ELSEWHERE. But, not away from my sweet Champ. Whoops. Too bad he isn't travel friendly. Through no fault of his own. Like I have been warning you, and telling you, and holding the pendulum in your face to try like hell to hypnotize you....... Change is here. Still on it's way. Without a doubt there have been times I have been waiting with my arms crossed. Or waving my arms frantically so conjure up some movement. Have I been worn down? Hell to the no. (Thank you Whitney)

I'm still busy. And still relentless. And, hopeful. Yep, you read correctly, I am hopeful. With no other reason than just I feel it in my belly. I am hopeful. I would love to maintain this feeling. It's beautiful. And perfect.

But, on the other hand..... I am HUNGRY! Hungry for all new things, hungry for more optimism, and also still too proud to know when I need help. (my fault)

It's going to be okay. Tell yourself this. And, remind me. Please.

I love you. Did you know that? Crazy. I thought you should know.

Bill Murray, Where are you?

One of my childhood heroes. Mr.Bill Murray and I have spent a ton of time in bed together the past 4 days. In those four days of sickness, I have discovered you can be sore from laying in bed. I have been so tired. Coughy, sneezy. Cranky. Sad. And, yes, stubborn. I do not really go to the doctor. I may have used "Voodoo Witch Doctor Medicine" as a phrase through the past 4 days also. Well, then B pointed out I work for a doctor. I simply said. " Well, I believe in HER Voodoo." It works. Champ had a hard time with the transition onto a resting pet. The kangaroo dog jumps off the bed, has somehow figured out to grab the trash can from in between the washing machine and dryer..... and pull out any treasure found in said basket. What can I say? My dog is a genius. Just like his mother.



Tiger, you guessed it, has enjoyed laying under the blanket by my feet. Utterly content with staying by my side. Out of laziness? No. Out of guardianship. Tiger, the Sherriff, would not let me down, nor leave me alone.



Ladybird, just wants in. Guess what? Just wants to eat. And howl. And, maybe come inside.



Back to me. See? See? This is how self absorbed I can be. Who knew? I'm continually having a Caddyshack moment. Mama asked me if we could go shootin' for my birthday. I said "Hell yeah." That's my Mama. But it also means she wants to "talk" about something. It's either, sit on the couch, or "Would you like to go to the shooting range?" It's probably a discussion on how my birthday is coming, and how I should prepare for a melt down. Er, possible meltdown. Either way, I believe I am prepared and have done a lot of soul searching over the 4 days in the bed, dreaming of Bill Murray.



BC, he's a dreamboat.



But you were made to rub me first...... I love you too Chevy Chase. Even though, you are clumsy with the baby oil in the bed. I still love you. Call me!





Still lots of dreams lately. Beach house dreams. Scary dreams. I did ask the kidnapper this time, Why? He said, "If I can't have you, no one else can." Point taken. Quite a bit of clarity received from that dream also. Dreams are so telling. If you allow them to tell you the story. Or if you have the patience. I don't want to miss out, and I now know, my patience is being rewarded. Everything is changing, and I am happy for it. Some changes, are hard to swallow and face.



I realized there may be a person trying to prohibit your growth. Don't allow this. Step back, and take account. It's painful. But necessary. And positive!!!!



I have not been receiving good news. With being sick, missing work, missing life. My dreams were also in black and white while I have been sick. It made me kinda shake. I need the color. Oh yeah, in all my dreams, I'm still wearing lingerie. It's my penance. It's a hoot.

Maybe I need to be dressed up like a baby doll on a daily basis. I might love that. I would like to see what you all would put me in. Maybe we can make a paper doll out of me. One would take me as presented. In sweatpants. In a wife beater, with knee socks.

Wrap me up in a perfect bow.

Don't criticize what you don't understand. Bob Dylan

Any man who could say, I'll make you happy. I promise.

But is there a man out there who would sit with me at dusk, run through the woods. Eat a snack with me. Let me cut an apple. Discuss art. Allow me to breathe. Let me wear big fuzzy sweaters and little skinny leggings, and floppy old rain boots. Would they? Sure. He's somewhere.
The great thing is, right now I have a beautiful group of friends who allow me to be this way. RIGHT NOW!!!!! I look at them in awe and wonder how they deal with the facets, of me. How the hell they are not blinded.

Then, I remember the huge black sunglasses I hand out with each friendship. We all look stupid in them, but we surely get a kick out of it.

Movie. Terry had rented The Watchmen for me. Which, I wasn't that into it, I was sick, and cranky, remember? I was disappointed I didn't see this in the theater. CAN I REMIND YOU ABOUT STAR TREK? That movie frickin' saved my life. It was beautiful.

The Watchmen did not disapoint. It was great. A perfect piece of work. And Rorsach's journal? Starts a day after my birthday, and I would have been 6. You all know how weird I am with numbers, and dates, and I am always pulling some phenomenal bullshit. I don't have the time to elaborate, but it all made sense.

And not just in String Theory.

I never forget her, baby. I could make out with String Theory.

If you cant tell, I still don't feel up to speed. But watch out!

I'm putting out fire with gasoline. And having a 3 way conversation with David Bowie.

Building a Mystery. Tearing it down. Starting all Over.

Do you think the cows at the market worry about how much they weigh when the farmer takes them to be sold? Like oh my gosh, I so shouldn't be chewing my cud!!! But here I am, and its soooooo good. (A minute on the lips, forever on the thighs.) Nah. I imagine it would be a non issue to them. So why worry?





I'm sick. I mean, I'm kind of sick. My throat is scratchy, I coughed like a demon in Terry's truck last night. I had to lay on his lap during 20 questions at Adam's. (Crib Delight!) That thing never guessed we were a Pussywagon....... I had fun anyway. The 3 of us also talking real gay last night. Totally. While I had my head stuffed in a High Times magazine. (Don't you judge me!)



Nose bleed? What nose bleed?








I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18





That verse has been my stronghold lately. I mean, what a hopeful verse!!! For years, I didn't understand the Bible, going to church all my life, I did struggle. Its nice to have some light shed, and actually understand why and what I believe that much more. That is hard to say too!!





Lots of thoughts lately. Am I hesitating to grow up? I wish, you could have been nicer. Even you had mentioned the agony of being a third party, friends with married folks, friends with children, it was all a big puzzle. Still, that doesn't mean shit. X + Y = Z. I'm sure, it's compromising. The position you hold. I woke up in the middle of the night and said out loud, you sure are lucky to be sleeping in the same bed with someone else. (It made me hold Champ tighter.) Attached, attacked, and so forth. The audacity of choking back the tears you so desperately fight to bring up into your pitiful tear ducts makes me want to slap you. BUT I DON'T!!!! (your welcome) The only thing that separates our realities is that they are only yours and mine are only mine. What's so bad about feeling good? Nothing at all. Please don't allow anyone to steal your thunder, claim it back, and sit on it. Fuck em. Free to pursue new ideas. A wealth of understanding. This is why discipline is so important along with my favorite word........ NECESSARY.





Act smart. Everyday. Let it be your new beginning and the end of your day. Remember to grip me close to you, because one day, it will all be over. We may not like it, but when we kiss...........FIRE. (Thank the Pointer Sisters.) I believe it is all worth the wait. The past few days have been nothing short of self-discovery and being able to allow my heart to open just a smidge. I may have been a liar, but not by my own fault. Now, by my own confession I told you. Not by you digging it out of me, since we all know how that would be a weak mission. Because I am so pigheaded and all. Making my head go round. I still continue to choke on my pride til it's blue in the face. Ignore that superficial part of myself. Sometimes, it's the only thing I have. Or the only thing I want to hold on to. Can you blame me? As it continues to be one of my stumbling blocks/stepping stones, and I adore it. I wear it like a feather boa, and beg you to look at me. Thank you.








If you cant lead a horse to water and force it to drink, than I am said horse. So who wants to play? Horse that is. For instance, I said I wanted to date, but then I wont. It is not appealing, and I only want to look good for myself. Self-love is important, but I adore Self-worship even more. Dating would remedy some issues, but it would cause a mess of them too.





So when should I drink the water?





I wasn't ready a year ago. 6. 7. 9 months ago. So am I ready now? Probably not. I am so wild at heart though, I can't help but have desire/satisfaction. And crave said two. Is it shallow? I imagine not. I am just a girl. A little Paula. Who's appetite will not be curbed until tasting something beautiful. Pure rapture. Abandon. Oh, and respect. Gotta have respect too.





It's tough to have my guard up so much. And more painful than I like to admit.
I'm such a crazy little filly I feel every bump in the road. I imagine there are folks out there who would covet my strong emotional ocean. I suppose an ocean couldn't even encompass those wonderful feelings either.

Guess who's still obsessed with fixing the little house she lives in? Me!!! I am still crazy for little pillows, and finding stuff on railroad tracks to add to my eclectic homestead. Crazy in love with my yard. I'm even crazy in love with the little yellow jackets. Just kidding. I hate those fuckers.Batten down the hatches!!! Bring it on!!! Hide in the storehouse. Lay on the floor. This is where I am. Still trying to improve here and there. Until more plans unfold. Things are happening. Changing. It's a good feelin'.

The PLN Plan. Soak in tub. Wallow in Vapor Rub. Rest. Drink some kind of wine. Oops. Or eat ice cream.