My 12 steps to recovery.

There's a long list in my head today, make that everyday for that matter. This lists excludes and includes a myriad of this and that. My list is maddening. My list, prepares me for the best and the worst situation, the best or the worst me moments that seem to ride piggyback more than I allow to admit. That word, recovery, is the thing I am working toward. Accepting all things that have a worthy minute to resonate in my life. Still reading Pete Wilson, Plan B, the more I feel that iceberg a movin'. Sometimes that iceberg is strangely my heart, on occasion, the iceberg is that rotten growth called forgiveness. Where am I ? Most of the time in my happy place, which is outside. I took several walks yesterday. I saw a total of 10 deer. They were all at my house, and in a time span of 7:30am to 5:00pm. It was fantastic. I sat on rocks. I let the dogs run wild. I walked, and walked, and walked. I sat nose to nose with all of the dogs, and the step brothers too. They follow you like beggars, which I didnt mind yesterday, it was the squalling and gnashing of teeth that I surely didnt appreciate. That's okay, they each slaughtered chipmunks and moles in my presence, and shortly after, they told me I could go on without them. Gosh. We sat in the grass and watched the sun. We were wild like kids bucking through the field. It was freedom. I dont know where you are, but Im in a strange place that is no longer Uz. Uz is a real place that scholars believe is what we now know as Israel. Uz is a place where there will be a place, not just from where suffering comes, but where it comes without warning and without explanation, creating confusion and despair. Just like Job. What a relief and a praise that I am not there at this point. Uz is in the rear view, and I feel like I am not the only one. You see, the time we live in, there are many people suffering. Suffering is not easy, not meant for the weak. Or so I thought. Suffering sometimes has to be necessary in order to get to the places we long to be. The sunshine. In the arms of our beloved. Uz, is a place to grow in effect. To be vital, sometimes those painful places are where we have to go, where we have to be in order to be the most effective. It doesn't mean God loves us any less, or we have done anything wrong. It just means, we have to cling to our faith, our God, who will never leave our side. Even in grief and suffering. Just because I have left Uz, doesn't mean I may not ever have to visit again. In fact, it means that the coming and going of Uz is one of the few things guaranteed. Take comfort though, lamb, doing good, thinking good, and hoping for good is great, but it does not guard against your trapdoor from coming undone. Those things listed also doesn't mean that makes you a wonderful Christian. Which is something I had heard all my life, do all these good things, and good things will come to you. I guess as I have grown, and I'm older, I can understand that fallacy now. I can understand that it's not about being good or bad, it's about being able to be that vessel for God to use you for His glory. Which is what trials, are all about. Becoming useful vessels for the Lord Jesus Christ.

Remember, I love you, and the list keeps coming, I just have to sort them out and say things like "Eureka!", and so on and so forth. Oh, and write that crap down. Definitely.

I sit in my hippie clothes.

Remember how Cat Stevens reminded us how it's a wild world? Well, more and more is he right. There is a lot on my plate right now. On my heart. On my agenda. I'm trying to work all these things out. I'm moving into a new season is the only way to explain how it all makes me feel and move. I am craving vegetables, and the more earthy they taste, the more I want of them. I want beets for goodness sake. That very statement doesn't make very much sense! Last night I went to the store to pick a rotisserie chicken I had thought about all day, I ran into a woman from my home church. She is hilarious. She is a gentle spirit. She is a woman much to look up to. And I have, and I still do. Kathy is partially deaf, and makes no bones about it. She told me last night that I am patient, and I don't ever raise my voice to her, because she reads lips. She told me that most people raise their voice, and volume isn't her issue, it's trying to read the fast moving lips! Anyhooter, I love that woman! Instead of trying to understand what to do with myself these days, I am just doing what I prompted to do. I am trying to be more obedient to God, and remembering that doing this makes life exceptionally easier. I don't have to fit into anyone else's plan, I just have to fit into God's plan for me! That leaves me off the hook. This means, the pressure isn't on myself, it doesn't fall on God either, because He is all knowing, and will guide me to the places He wants me to go. So now I'm all relieved. At least for now, until the crazy, human part of me tries to steal the reigns once again. The most comforting thing of all? Is that God is with us, no matter the circumstance. Read that part out loud. God is with us no matter the circumstance. I hope that brings you comfort, because I just want to spread it like wildfire. We just have to let The Holy Spirit in, we have to surrender our pitiful will to the God that created us. The more you let go, the better it feels. My body feels incredible. The stress is gone. I suppose that's why my body is craving food from the earth, and not anything artificial. Maybe being more in tune is helping every aspect, at least that's what I will carry with me. I hope you have a great weekend. You know me, I'm gonna be bizzy, but never to bizzy to talk if you need to....

Jacob's Ladder

As we all know there are times in our lives where we have to drop the act and just ask ourselves; What the deuce? What the deuce is going on here? How the deuce did I get here? And the most famous, Who the deuce died and made you king of it all? Sure, there are days I am completely disoriented about real life. I Spackle it and contort it until it looks like something I can try to discuss with another human being about. At least, maybe in my mind I am a person I can be proud of. Scratch that. I'm always a person that I can be proud of, and I aint responsible for anyone else. All in all, it still doesnt stop me from saying; What the deuce about it all!





Can I mention how I am trying to cut everyone else some slack too? My dogma doesnt ride on anyone else but me, so I need to let go. Control isn't mine, it never has been, it never will be. I have an incredible feller who loves me. Even when I let it out on him. We talk. I mean, we taaaaalk. He listens even though he has every right to tune out, because believe it or not, I like to express my opinion into the ground. Or mud. And beat it to pieces. To oblivion. B likes that. He describes that part of me as 'passionate.' That's flattering! It's a fault, but he seems to like that fault! Hey, no complaints here friends.





I have a story about a raccoon. And a mole. And a Ladybird. And a Babylove and a Mr. Kitty. The latter 2 are in major trouble with not taking care of said mole. You would think Ladybird would haul off and chase said raccoon. But no. No beuno. No. LBD lets that raccoon take a bath in her water, and I think that psychopath likes the thing. Which makes NO sense. Back to not keeping score, as long as the mole, raccoon, and my children dont get into scuffles, there's not much I can do. Except set traps. And that's what Im gonna do! I just have to find some humane traps for the mole, and said raccoon, and hope the brothers don't get caught in the traps! Those 3 haven't won any awards, but I haven't either, but between the gang of us, surely we can figure it out.





With fall here, there is so much work to be done. Never count out personal grooming. As in our minds and bodies. Both are so neglected, there's no surprise to me how worn down we are. As a culture, as just people. I read our Pastor's blog this morning, he is on a trip to Costa Rica for a leadership conference. pastor Chris discussed a book he is reading, and now of course, I want to read as well. It's called The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel. It's the questions that PC was asking in the blog that has me wanting to read the book, and it also leads me back to the book I am reading now. Plan B by Pete Wilson. Anyhooter, back to PC's blog. The Holy Spirit jumped from the page as I read the following questions, and confirmed that God is here. The first question is: Where are you struggling to trust Him? That one got me right in the gut. It made me bijiggity. The next one is: What area do you need Him to move? And, the final: If you fully trusted Him with everything, what would you try that you are holding back right now? I cannot specifically answer all 3, but the first one especially laid witness to me. Back to Plan B, Pete Wilson brought up a scripture I have been sitting on for the past week. It's Matthew 6:25-27.



25 "So I tell you, don't worry (be anxious) about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes."

26 "Look at the birds in the air. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know you are worth much more than the birds."

27 "You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it."



Jesus wants us to not worry about obvious things, and this morning, I got to hear exactly what He has asked me to hear for long while. It was an "AHA!" moment for me. As for the other 2 questions, I need time to pray on those. I am trying to be honest to myself, instead of pushing it down and damaging me. I'm just me, being me.

My action plan is to try to stop comparing myself to the Jones', not berate what is or isnt happening, and just trying to enjoy this time in my life. Nothing is wrong, I have just created everything to be wrong, and Jesus doesnt want me or you to live this way. Besides, I am one of His bird's.

Mountain Kitty Arise!

I want to paint everything in my house white. Is that weird?

We saw HUGE bear prints in the woods yesterday. We saw a TON of bear scat too.

Which we turned around since the prints were FRESH.

Even small bears are huge.

Um, we even saw a paw print of a mountain kitty.

I was scared, and excited all at the same time.

It was fun!

Confession.

I'm not going to lie. The past few weeks have been hard. The past few months have been hard. I have been wrestling with a girl I would like to admit I do not know. Sunday, I kinda hit a wall. I wrote a text to Sue that stated I felt like Bruce in "Dancin' in the Dark." I then heard "All Apologies" and felt even more cathartic. Rewind though. Saturday. Saturday was alright. Actually, it was more than alright. I heard a voice mail from Angie that I desperately needed to hear. I watched my 8 year old nephew play soccer. I sat out in the sun with Mama and Hay. Hay and I listened to music together with her ipod. Hay encouraged her brother during the whole game. We talked. Or we didnt. It was really nice. I felt something in me I hadnt really allowed myself to feel in a long time. I felt content. I let a lot of walls down. I allowed myself to. It was a step.


I wrote this in my journal last night. It sounds like a prayer, but it really is confession.



You know Lord, I have been confused. I need to be heard. Validated. Lately, I havent felt like much of anything. I wondered where you were. I accused you of leaving. I believed the world, rather than what you have taught me. Which has proved harder punishment. I am burdened with life alone. At 18, it was okay to be living alone. Self sufficient. At 23, I was still living alone, but had a dog. Then, at 25, I got married. Convinced I would never be alone again. Then, at 28, I was left. I was left to scream, cry, vent. I was also led back to you. I am thankful for coming back and having anew understanding about you. I heard you everywhere. I saw you everywhere.

I read something today though. It really scared me, by the way. I read that if you live on your own, youre twice as likely to have a heart attack. True, this was a study in a magazine, but it still scared me. You see, I live a pretty healthy life. I eat well, I exercise. I used to exercise daily. I had a great outlook on life. I was optimistic. Fearless. I felt great.

then the bottom dropped out.

But now I dont. I work alone, I live alone. I stopped overindulging in the internet because I see it as a thing that isnt a true need. I found some new triggers that bothered my allergies. I have learned to listen to my body. I am working on not binge eating. I have been going to see actual doctors and not relying on my own homemade remedies. I have learned to trust some of these doctors advice to certain extent.

I have watched Dr. Cathy be on the edge of death too. A person who strives to be at her personal best, no matter what. I admire her. I also see changes in her, that inspire me.

When I do feel extremely sick and done. I think of her. Or any other woman I know who just goes on for the greater good of herself. Giving up isnt an option. Neither is Hollywood cemetery.

Im getting back.

You see, Im dangerous when Im quiet. Im deadly to myself when left to my own devices.

this is my cry out.

This winter, I am embracing the cold. Im going to learn to ski this year. Tomorrow, B and I are going hiking. I want to find a good one. You see, Im a hiking fanatic. I love it. I know a lot about it. I could hike all the time if plausible. One thing I feel incredible about is the day B and I went hiking with some of his buddies. We stopped to get patches. Im not that kind of hiker. I just journal it. B laughed and said that I would have to buy the whole rack of patches sinceI had done almost all of those hikes. That, was validation. That told me that B knows I have experience, and I still dont listen to his rules. I have my own. Im ready to hike. I like the animal I am when Im out doors. I need to embrace the winter and try to get to know her, instead of giving her the cold shoulder so to speak. I love B, and he enjoys winter, so I cant be closed off from being open to any new experiences. Lord, thank you for giving me B. Continue to instill in me understanding to work with him, because you wouldnt put us together if you didnt want to bless us. Amen.

Jordan River

Still trying. Still reaching for understanding. Here I am, at the Jordan River. Along with Joshua. Why I struggle is very clear. The reason why is coming together. Sometimes we have to lose to gain. At what point can I just say, I can't lose any more? I am healthy. I am thankful. It's all this Titanic bull I can't seem to comprehend. What's the real story? Heavenly motivation has to come before earthly motivation. Did we hit the iceberg? Was it seen beforehand? Did no one care to ring the bell? All I know for sure, is I have to take some steps, but these steps are completely not my design, and as usual, not by my choice. All I need to hear, is His voice. Faith is huge. I devote my life to it. At least trying like crazy to.

Real Belief

Even though I'm still sick as a dog and, I believe you are the only one reading this, I might as well write to you. In a informal note, this is a thank you. Thank you for your unforgiving flattery, and point of view that makes me feel better than a cold cheese sandwich. Never waning and never letting me go. For believing in me even when I'm lower than a pancake covered in blueberry syrup. As hard as it is to believe we have those striking resemblances and even though our circumstances are different, we have more common ground than anyone else even pretends to share with me. So here's your shout out, lady. Go shake your bon bon!


P.S. Watch out for those see you next tuesdays!