You caught me smoking....

Aw. She said it.



She said it, and I felt in complete harmony.





Even though we were miles apart, it was as if we were sitting right there together. Champ with his tongue out, sleeping like an angel. Tiger, perched on my shoulder as if I were to say; "Walk the plank!!!"


Where is this excitement? Why am I a blade of grass in the field? I need something. Boy, is that validating to say. I don't need much money. (That last statement made me laugh.) I had a pretty good thought. I don't want to be a zombie. Zombie's only eat brains. Where's the variety? Only brains? Day in, day out. How 'bout a kidney, dude? Whatever. I long for fulfillment.

I was running a good race, but I feel worn out. I suppose right now it would be a good idea to get prepared for my second wind.

The second wind has to be on it's way.


God sent me a crow today with a worm in it's mouth, just as I thought we were far away.

I also saw a hot pink gremlin, but I think that's just a common part of the game.

Rainbow

Never, never, never, give up.

Big, wet, doughnuts.

And other porno confessionals.

Today has been alright. I'm not writing. Ive lost all hunger to pursue the things I love. Except for taking time off. Time off is something I love and kind of covet. I realized that taking time off doesnt stop the world on it's axis. I realize that it's okay for me to be jealous. Ive realized that it's more than okay to not soak up bad mojo form other peeps. Ive also realized that I need way more camping in my life. I realize that sacrifice is worth the prize. I also found out that that not everyone is out to get me, but I still prefer to remain on guard.

I know that I am not talking to a plethora of people that I miss. Terry, Ben, Landa. The lines of communication work both ways, I know. I can't help to miss them though.

I don't wanna, so I'm not....

I'm ready for those little extra's and my belly not to hurt or feel sensitive. I would love to stop comparing oranges to tomatoes. I heard you can be reborn over and over. Spiritually, yes. You can also be reborn as a person in life. A start over. A redo. All this rain is reminding me. She said but when you get married you won't work here anymore. I guess you should have thought about that when you repeatedly hurt my feelings and never regarded my existence until you thought I made a mistake. He held me on the couch and told me to never apologize. Do everything with confidence and even when you're wrong... Make a stand. We made plans yesterday, some too high profile to tell anyone else. You see, our Bermuda Triangle is great. Our plans include not really too many other souls. If I could, I would tell you we have a private club. We ate cake and redesigned the house. I think we caught on. He doesn't compromise who I am or compromise himself in the process either. Not being perfect, not in that "I'm a vampire, and I'm vulnerable" cursed way, but in a "I'm just a dude, and I open up to you" kind of way. I'm heartsick in my thirties in a way none of you will ever know. I'm heartsick in a way that ignites passion and thunder. I'm heartsick in a way that makes me shut off other people even when they really love me. When all they try to do is reach out. I don't want to ever be depressed or discouraged because my way isn't their way. I'm just ready for the fire to start, and unfortunately, you won't be included in the kindling.



One day I was so sick. My heart hurt. My toenails felt heavy. I cried. And it sucked. One day I got all the old coke cans out of the barn. Then I shot them down one by one. I get restless and can't sleep. I make up lists of things I'm going to do tomorrow, then run out of daylight or energy again. I think about Jen's compliment: A Paula cottage!!! And that's exactly what my little home is. I kiss the doggies. Even when they haven't been bathed. I love a good story. I love pretend. I make little pillows and put them in the dog's kennels. Even for Ladybird. (She hides hers.) I make huge meals for the people I miss. I think about you. Even when I'm not supposed to. I wonder if you missed me. I draw pictures of the future. I throw fits. I get my way and then get mad about it. I pray. I watch the flood waters rise. I get a kick out of the obscene. I try. I rope cattle. I hide in the barn. I try not to get stung by bees. I lay low in the grass. I wait.

Tell me something good....

There are times when we realize things don't have to be perfect to work. I think that mainly this is how the role call really goes. Even though, I am dusting off bookshelves and knowing better, I'm getting ready. This season of my life is getting ready, and being prepared. Mostly being prepared to just accept things the way they are until they can change. Hopefully, I can manage this huge task. I just don't believe there's any other choice at hand.

Good news though. Tuesday, was terrific. I slept in. The dogs slept in. Like little troopers they slept in. I went on a picnic with B. I waded in river water. I got dirty. I wore a too tight shirt that B encouraged me to wear. ha. We drove through Cades Cove. I talked to a huge horse that I named Sampson. We saw a plethora of deer. We ate cookies. We were able to spend the whole day and evening together, and I didn't want it to end.

Today is Wednesday. I'm convinced something new is right around the bend.

Just thirsty

I picked a 12 pound cabbage and drug it to the house. I fried it in butter and added some red pepper flakes. I ate. I got so cold I thought I would freeze. I pickled the okra I grew and put them in jars. I tried to sell them to Cracker Barrel, and they thought I was out of my mind. I ate beets right out of the earth and didn't mind the dirt. The tastes are the same, so why wash the fruit? I clipped the dead heads off the geraniums and called it a day. Until the sun came up and that's when the real work had to start. With the glazed over look, I wrote over and over: People are ugly. When I remembered how the dead mouse smelled, I couldn't eat. At least not very much. Whole milk is so much sweeter than skim, and to help myself to those treats, I ended up smiling like a parrot. A parrot? How does a parrot smile? Well, if you have ever seen mine, then you would know. I threw away parts of me that were no longer me, I sang songs that had an unfamiliar tune. I gazed at the reflection and noted it wasn't mine. I saw the red fox in the woods and she told me that winter isn't far away. Prepare now. It was eerie that Ms. Fox and I have so much in common. Going ahead and preparing the best way we can for our families. In order to live through winter. I carried off all the old trash cans and made excuses for keeping them. I got fussed at for not being understood. They didn't even try to understand, and with that said, they are in the wrong. My blood all over their hands and they celebrated with drinks. It's a long day, but I know the night will be short.

Champ saw the cows running for the water trough this morning and they rampaged the trail. I was afraid that Champ would get in the way and be knocked dead. Because he ran right for them. That's the price for having a sweet deaf dog and raging cattle aching for water.

It's really a musical.

I feel an awful lot like a character Natalie Portman would play. She's in different roles that I find completely identifiable. At least I'm not all Meredith Baxter Berney sans the Berney roles. That's a sigh of relief. I want to be anywhere but here, and I would rather just be with you. I would rather be laying on a rock somewhere and not worrying that I would be carried off. My fear is the only reason I don't hike alone. Or go to swimmin' holes by myself. Do I think that much of myself? Why sure I do. I'm Mama's little princess, Daddy's little girl. I worry that I may be one of those ladies evil people carry off into the sunset. Never to return. Then I get sick at the thought of missing children. Then, I have insomnia. Then, I get over it by "smoking" imaginary cigarettes. A never ending process, then I am treated as if my breathing doesn't matter. Then, I get pissed.

Boomerang words. An assortment of emotions and ghosts. I only slightly shake when I get overwhelmed. I wave at the girl I was a year ago. Next year, I will do the same. If I can just admit, I'm ready to get started on Life. I have had 4 different people ask me today if I ever get lonely. This is an over sensitive question anyway, so I reply with a defensive no. Although, I would rather be alone than around people feeling alone. The mere emotion of alone, and the actual act of alone, are 2 different animals. Their species are barely a glimpse of each other.

This is why I smoke the pretend cigarettes. (Never do this in public, BTW.)

I guess in order to be taken seriously, I may have to start taking myself seriously. This may be a scary venture. Why not?

Yellowjackets!

It would be safe to say that the coast is not clear. Whether Micheal Myers, or gremlins posing as inanimate objects..... or dreaming of your sister telling you that she saw a demon in your room. My reality just chases me. I have all these little plans, all laid out, ready to engage, then BAM! No beuno. I warm up more nacho cheese and do my best to deal with it. There are times when I don't agree, but remind myself to keep to myself. Opinions of mine seem fleeting, and that seems to be the best thing to do with them. I use my opinions as fuel to start up the choo choo of love. It sounds a little out there. Love? Being choo choo fuel? Oh yes, I don't believe there is any other choice. There can't be any other reason I feel this way, with my heart open to suggestion. There's also conviction. I would say, obsessive, compulsive, convicted, and loving would be some words to describe my demeanor. I still wake up through the night to pray. Pray about everything, and the rest can be added. The wait is worth it. The sunshine has helped me 100%. It's okay nothing is done. Just get started, is what it boils down to.

I did acquire a baked fried chicken recipe that I kind of figured out on my own anyway. I just need people to cook for. How irritating!!! I cook well, my own Daddy said so. I like country food and think it can be made in healthy ways, but it's good to add a little butter to everything. It's the only way my southern buds can actually taste any kind of food. I guess I could have a little ho down. If only people could show up. I sound discouraged, don't I? I suppose I am today. Not afraid, a touch anxious. And mad. Not mad, mad. But mad. I'm ready for changes that aren't necessary for me yet...... What a bummer.

With everything and nothing going on at the same time, and not to point fingers.... but gumption is something I need for my fuel tank. I haven't been on a hike in ages. B is working. I am grateful. This lamb though, spoiled by a wonderful day with B on Tuesday, really wants more of those days. It was a glimpse of how things are with B. It was comfort. Now just leave me here to dry.

I won't lie. It's a work in progress and I hope we always have a romantic, artistic eye for our realationship. I didn't mean for that to sound dirty, I just meant it in a "JFK eternal flame" type of way. Constant. It's okay of life isn't guaranteed, just as long as God directs our footpaths, and I continue to cultivate my gift of discernment.

Besides the boogey men and gremlins, it's all really the same.

And I'm pissed we can't go on the canoeing trip at the end of July.