Friday, June 5, 2009

Smile Pretty

That's the theme for the day. Day 1. Starting over. Smile pretty. Look how far you have traveled verses how far away from where you want to be. Now on occasion, I do take a load off, and look down that gravel road I have been walking on. Believe it or not, I really don't take everything so seriously. Honest. I'm in a boat. But, not the one everyone else is on. I will stop staring at black trucks, '78-'79 Corvettes the way a man looks at a woman, I refuse to stare at the efficient little hybrids. Day 1. I have not been praying, and therefore, I am right back where I knew I would land once again. Hope, no desert. Not, back in baby's arms.

I helped with surgery, assisted with bringing pups into the world. Their little mouths, straining to open, we cleaned their little throats, suctioning the afterbirth out of their breathing devices. When animals are born, via c-section, it can be very hard for them to breathe, not every surgery is difficult, but it is such a precious moment. The very second, pulled out of their mothers, struggling. Sometimes, even when you have cleaned their goozles, the babies, may not be breathing. We do a technique of kind of cradling them in our hands, and doing a quick sweep down motion. It helps clear them out, it assists in their breathing. I may need a little sweeping motion myself.

Monster Truck Rally this weekend? Nah. Not for me. Hmm? Oh, yes, it would be a blast, but, I'm not in the mood. What's that? Oh yes, an art exhibit would be a little more appropriate. I found my niche. I found the mood I desire often. Not quite touching the earth, barley orbiting around.

My Thesaurus? Is under the mattress, with some pages missing. Words, that I do not believe need any more explanations. Or, coffee stained. Pages, with pieces missing. Underlined, highlighted. Notes stuffed, here and there.

I need to get things done. Started. Processing. View my goal through the kaleidoscope. Take in the colors, and wonder of it all. Write down the expression that fuels me. You see, most words fire me up. Not with anger, sometimes remorse. Sometimes, fire, ignites under me, and I resolve to let it continue to fuel me.

I know how the forest feels when it doesn't rain. The cracking sounds the wood makes, when it needs a sip of water. My Daddy's Farm? Is so gorgeous right now. I know, it's been raining, it kind of stormed last night, but everything is so green, full of promise. Today is a beautiful day, even though, it's reminiscent of Seattle to some. To me, it's that sweet transition of Spring/Summer in Tennessee. In my neck of the woods. In my sweet escape.

This will be my devotional of the day. I recreated some good intentions, and could have layed in the hammock this morning, but it's so wet outside. I feel like Beethoven on Redbull. Kinda Disney movie, all of them trying to teach you a lesson, at the same time, digging the knife deeper. I need just a little. Waiting for the triumph. I refuse to feel as if the malfunction is showing today. Refuse. I'm not upset, just on a roll.

If it could be sushi roll, I would prefer. So, why take it so seriously? Because, sweetheart. It is serious. Serious business of my life. Every second is fleeting. Getting away from us all. In the middle of the gnashing of teeth and nagging? We let it go. Like a balloon. We suffer so greatly with not a bit of effort. Seems to come naturally, and I beg to look at it.

Who knew this is who I would be? Right now, in this season of my life. The wine has already been poured. I may leave right now. I'm fighting like hell to get rid of the lump in my throat. I'm thrashing wildly to not care so much about things to touch, feel, and do. It feels exactly like I live on the beach, and can taste the salt on my lips. If I could.

Have I been holding my breath so long, I finally passed out? I f you did sneak out of the house to meet me for a moment, I embraced the longing. I embraced the forbidden fruit. You had used the phrase tortured, and it was the sweetest thing I had ever heard.

Tied to the apron strings? Not us. We are a dying breed, or a hiding breed, just like the Vampires. I have at least 7 books open, and reading. One about the Holocaust. 4 of them? Recommended by friends, and borrowed.

Ron Burgundy? Not present today.

My wild state of mind has nothing to do with Will Ferrell, or the thigh trembling Vince Vaughn. My wild state of mind has to do with my wild state of affairs. Not on a ledge, not angry at anything, just Paula. Wide eyed, careful, Paula.

Carnal would be a perfect word to describe me today. Carnal, is the way to live. Pale knuckles? Look at my hands, relaxed as a sleeping lamb.

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