Friday, March 20, 2009

Ei Ei O

Yesterday, I received some great news. Yesterday, I was able to let out a long, sigh of relief. Able to close one more door. Closer to breaking free. Facing things that give me anxiety, loosen the strings a little bit, makes me a happy camper.
I have more than I need, or deserve. Lent has proven itself to be exceptional. There are times I have to hold back. Occasions, I just can't have what I desire. Lent has taught me, self denial can, and will continue to be rewarding.


You know those voices in your head? The ones that say, be selfish. You deserve it. Haven't you done enough? Go on, little piggy, go for it. I want to be. I love to be, then that other voice chimes in, Guilt?

Guilt and I are familiar lovers. We glance at each other, then look away. I tell myself to resist. I push it deep down, sweeping it out of the way like I sweep the steps at home. I fall for it still. Guilt holds me in it's arms like a mama holds it's baby. Like when a man loves a woman. Guilt shoots me down like a hunter in the woods.

Ragamuffin. What a word. It sums up exactly what I feel like.

I want to go back to bed, cover my head, and ignore life.

And stop my mind from being curious about what I'm missing out on.

Ignore the lessons I have to learn.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1.

There's also a song in my head.

I don't know the name of it, but one of the lines is
"Give me revelation" .......

That's a part of my hodge podge of emotion, right? Give me revelation.
Hurt. Confusion. Honest. Humbled.

Yearning for comfort.

I have been in the middle of just throwing an awful fit.

I don't always feel better after those, those, FITS.

I feel worse, actually. I feel absolutely lost.

My knuckles aren't better from the last fit I threw.
I'm glad, it's given me a reminder.

Blah, blah, blah. Fuck it. That's how it may be for the day. Blah. And nothing else. I don't feel like myself, like a wolf in sheep's clothing to be exact. Sometimes, my emotions deceive me to the point of losing control. That's it.

How 'bout not making me feel like a fuck up?

How 'bout not breaking your phone in half too?

Being enveloped in David Bowie is okay though. (1971)

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