Toil

2 Timothy 1:7

God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self discipline.

That's how it begins. I always let my emotions run away with me.
It's who I am. The Lord consumes me like fire.
I feel captive in my own body.

I lose sight on the rest of the world.
I am on a turn table, and everything is swirling around me.

I am very lost in a sea that I do not control. So much bigger than me.

Running to stand still.

Useful in my own demise. Maybe? Maybe.

I need a break. I need a break!!!
From my emotions, from this life that I am struggling to cultivate.

Am I the cow waiting for the slaughter? Trying to understand.

When something unexpected happens, it's a part of HIS plan.

The more a palm tree is burdened, the more straight it becomes.

Put the color in my world. Be the sun in someone else's sky.

Don't worry about losing.
If it is right, it happens.
The main thing is not to hurry.
Nothing good gets away. John Steinbeck


Smart food?

I have to stop comparing oranges to tomatoes.

This is what I hear.
All the time. These are my thoughts, raging.
I have to concentrate very hard on things.
To the point I should be exhausted.
All the time, but no, sleeplessness is the dragon I have to slay. Nightly.
Everyday can be such a challenge for me, that I am fearful.
Of the sun rising, setting.
Terrified to be alone at my own house. My safe place.
Thank God for the seasons. Thank God His hand is on me.

Purely devastated. Awesomely motivated.

Can others see Christ in me?

Once again, there's God's Will, and our choices.
I will always stand firm on those principles.

Sometimes we say things that are never to leap off our tongues again.
Better as thoughts.
Not as statements.

I hate that. I have fought. I have fought.
Again, and again, I show how weak I am.
Fully aware... ( right back to The Garden )

I see you. I see you clearly.

I had a dream that a nurse gave me a vaccine.
She said, just in case.
I dream very vicious, evil, little dreams.
They are never good.
It seems like the darker the better, the more realistic they are.

Last night, that was my dream, I was in a non-descript place, but there was the nurse, plain as day. She actually looked some like Linda Carter. ( which makes sense )
I said, I cant take that shot!
It's huge!!
It will hurt!!!
Please, is there another way?
She said, silly goose, I'm going to give you a shot in the rear.
So you won't see it coming.
So, maybe, you won't hurt so badly.

This is not a normal dream. At all. For me.

Let me reiterate...

Even as a small child, I had terrifying dreams.
That included, but not limited to,
dreams of kidnapping,
invisible people taking me,
things attacking me in my bed. Gore.
Out and out terror.
In my safe place.

So, for me to have this dream with a mother figure like Linda Carter, trying to prepare me, give me a line of defense, to keep me safe. Was monumental.

I am a very different woman today.

That's how it is right?
We are always growing and changing. Evolving.

Choking,
Running,
Crying,
Afraid,
Unsure,
Denying,
Begging,
Asking,
Looking,
Smiling,
Laughing,
Realizing,
Sleeping,
Dreaming,

Living nightmares, day in, day out, monthly, yearly.

I am some kind of vessel, and so are you, coming to grips with it is the crazy part.
Obsessing part.
Extreme part of ourselves.

Beautifully misunderstood.

But, it's not about me, is it?

When you care about someone else?
You empathize, struggle, bear their weight as if it is your own.
Communicate.
Listen.
Shut my mouth, open ears.
Absorb everything about that person.

Accept what you can't change.
Embrace the parts that are amazing.


Loss is about acceptance, right?

Reap what you sow.
Tend to your field!!!

Play nice,
That lump you get in your throat,
To realize how selfless it is to give yourself away.
Expose.

Anticipation.