Friday, March 27, 2009

Pink Moon

I'm just different. That's it. I am not going to be like my friends, maintaining marriages, chasing children, normal life.....

I may have to be smack dab in the jungle wresting snakes the size of myself.

Already, I show that I am just not like my precious group of girls.

I may not ever live in Texas with Jme.
I may not ever preach to congregations like her.

I may not ever touch another person's heart through ministry like that.

But, I know, God is using me in a mighty way.

I do not get along with electronics. If it's near me, I screw it up.
My camera? Screwed up.....
Cell phone? Hanging by a moment.
It's just about in 2 pieces. Who cares?
No screen?
Screw it. Walk by faith, not by sight.......

My camera? Just leave it be.

It still works, but, it has cranberry juice in it.

Last night, I came out of church, and I was immediately happy.

My reason? You could hear the frogs making that frog noise....
It confirmed that warm weather is just round the bend.

My wake time? 5 A.M.

I don't understand my cycle. I have slept well lately.
Not last night. I kept waking up. I had this face in my head.

It was an ugly, twisted face. Not of anyone I know, but it was a face.

I could see a bare bit of light coming through the window in the next room.

My pillow and I could not get into rhythm.

Lent is almost over. Awesome. Will I start inhaling sugar? Nah.

Lent has been powerful. I still love pushing myself to limits, that are, sometimes, uncomfortable. Well, when it comes to temptations, I suppose.

I have read over and over in the bible about when Satan led Jesus into the desert.

It overwhelms me.

My weakness? Understanding.

I usually don't discuss my ex husband, and I won't bad mouth him.

Even though,I had never experienced such full devastation.

You see, it's been a year. Not today, but, in this month, it was a year.

March hasn't ever been a kind month.

My dog Chris, who was 14, died in 2007, of March.

You know who, left, March 2008....

My March 2009 story...... brings 2008 all too real again.

Have you heard the phrase, let a dead dog lie...??
Sometimes, that dead dog will get up and bite you square in the ass.......

I struggle. With improving. I struggle. With letting go.

I struggle with finding my place in the sun.

I had told my Pastor's wife last night, I just crave understanding.

The loneliest time? In the morning.

I spend almost all day long, alone, and it's not at work, right before....

And, I am a morning person.(kinda)

When I get out of bed, a certain melancholy feeling drapes over me, then, I'm relieved. I'm not leaving anyone behind in the bed.....

Go on, get up. Start the coffee.

Or right before I crawl in the bed.....and I realize, oh, it's empty.

This morning, I woke up at the foot of the bed......head at the foot?

My sweatpants somewhere on the floor....

At night, it can be the worst. It seems to be the most sobering point of my evening.

Not eating over my sink, one foot propped up on the inside of my knee....

Or when I come home, and look out the front door around dark, bc, I apparently am always expecting someone.....

So, I hate that....

I usually am a champ at ignoring those feelings. I plunge myself into projects, I go for a walk, fistfight anxiety......

What has ultimately hurt my feelings the most?

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