Here we go.
A couple of months ago, I saw this amazing example of how I see myself sometimes.
Through my whole life, actually.
One morning, driving to work, I pass a farm that is divided by the highway. Not really unusual, but, this particular morning, I saw this calf. A little black calf, by himself. Gazing. Staring. Mesmerized.
On the other side of the road, there was a small herd of cattle, eating hay.
If this little calf could fly, he would have. He wanted to be on the other side so badly!!!
Coveting. If a cow could covet, that would be it!!!
I have to point out, this is where the comparison to myself and this little cow, is, this little cow had hay on his side of the fence. But, he was too hungry, too focused on the other cows to see opportunity right in front of his face.
The hay is right there!!!!
Your hay is much more shiny, and much more interesting...
no, my hay is just right.
I often forget.
That was my thought last night, laying in the tub, inhaling steam, staring at myself through my legs in the reflection of the tripleverplate. ( the shiny, round thing that most tubs have in order to make the shower trigger to work ). (Look it up.)
I layed there, relaxing, washcloth laying on my belly....
Are you still that little calf?
I like to think I have grown since then.
Last night, I daydreamed that time was standing still.
It was a feeling of such perfection.
I wasn't looking for permission, or asking for forgiveness, or begging for mercy.
I felt useful.
Just then, all the plates had shifted, and I found my purpose.
Then, over, and over, a little thought came blazin' through... uninvited.
Death is nature's aphrodisiac. Where did I hear that?
I want to turn it off!! So, under the water I go. Listening to the sounds.
Legs propped up on the wall. I hear, absolutely, nothing.
Learning to be content.
Marked for happiness.
Can't you see it?
Walking away from a disposable life.