Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Skin and Bones

Starting with a short dialogue from the monumental movie known as Footloose.

This is the part when Ariel (the Pastor's daughter) comes home late from her first interaction with Wren. (Kevin Bacon) The Pastor, (John Lithgow) meets Ariel on the steps. Ariel is smiling, just about to go up the steps.

Shaw: Been drinking?

Ariel: No.

Shaw: You smoking something?

Ariel: No.

Ariel: I wasn't stealin', I wasn't gamblin', I wasn't reading books I'm not supposed to! I am late!

What does that have to do with the price of scallops on the shore? Nothing.

By now, if you read this, you know I write exactly as I am thinking it.
It just comes out. I try to "Shut mouth, open ears".
It doesn't always work for me.
Which is something I am digging my little heels deep into.

I have given up sugar.
It's really been relativativly easy.
Except for 3:30 or 8:30.
Those are my craving times. It's just that cut and dry.
There we go.
I gave up sugar for Lent. Which is awesome.
Right now is such a precious time.

The whole self denial thing has always been bitter sweet for me.
An exceptional thing for me. I like that challenge.
I like the thought of giving something up to gain pleasure.
To gain perspective.

I came home around 5ish yesterday, after laying on the back porch with Landa.
I had put two chairs together, kinda like a little cot.
I had my legs flung around the armrests. Propped up on the back of the chair.
Laying in the sun, the warmness, the sweet serenity of being still.
Sun shining on my face.
It made me ache.

I thought about the hands in her flower bed, the hands holding the little bird?
If that could be me,
I would curl up in such a tight little ball, you would just dare yourself to touch me.
Look at me.
Care for me.

Back to barreling up the driveway, I had to stop! Right at the steep incline.
Two doe, jumping across the driveway. I sat there, amazed.
Just like that, two incredible creatures, in the middle of my madness.
I began to think, you stinker.
You don't always appreciate the things that make you smile.

This morning, I looked over into this field, that I always look at. I don't know why, but I do.
Usually, there is a lonely cow by himself.
Sometimes laying smack dab in the middle.
Waiting for the slaughter?

No cow this A.M., just turkey.

Wild turkey. Not the whiskey. Great, wild, male turkey, tails fanned.
Lady turkey everywhere. 15? 16?

It took my breath.
It made me smile.
It made me look up.

We all have different levels of comprehension.
I don't always understand people.
I can't.
I don't. I haven't ever had the same comprehension level.
Where I have been made to feel like a failure, it has been a great source of pride.
It's because God gives me the ability to think and comprehend how He sees fit.

Hope is born of suffering.

As I sat on the dryer to write last night, I looked out into the woods.
Everything was off. The tv was off. Dogs laying contently on the carpet.
Legs dangling off the side.
I could hear the wind moving the trees.
That stretchy little sound the wood makes when moved by something invisible.

Makes that burning in my chest and belly, burn wilder.

As a little girl, I loved being in the corner. The confinement.
Being alone.
The punishment.
Having that time to reflect on my actions.

Of course, as a girl, that wasn't my thought.
But, as I look back, it was true joy.

My mother's milk.

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