Monday, March 23, 2009

The goats from the sheep

The one. Let me start with that parable form the Bible. Jesus told a story about a shepherd that left the 99 to look for the one. The shepherd? Worried about the one that could have fell in a pit, eaten by wolves, or worse, having a blast playing all day and at night discovering he's all by himself. It's easy to be the one sheep. Away from the herd. Or be the shepherd. To worry about the one. We are never left behind. That I believe.

My best friend, who is so beautiful and perfect, made me mad this week. Unintentionally. And it was brief. Fleeting. The mad? She really just told me the truth. She said, you have to go through the valleys to appreciate the mountains. Really?

Can I just not have to learn and endure so much? Has 2008 not been enough for me for now?

I don't know what God is preparing me for. I haven't a clue.

But it has to be huge. It has to be.

I look back on the uncomfortable. The devastating. The reason I know I am supposed to be someone amazing.

Here's something that eats at me. (But of course, love at the same time.)Being told how pretty I am. Or the word beautiful. Well, I don't feel that way. It's easy to be sexually attractive to men. It's easy to win them over with a piece of "the pie."

What isn't easy? Is the "uglier" parts of myself. The imperfections. The vulnerable. The awkward. The honest.

Do you know the times when I feel the cutest? When I find a tree to sit in, and let my feet dangle in my huge rubber boots I wear out in the woods. Or when I'm just about to fall asleep in a beater and my panties, cuddled up with Champ. Sitting on the dryer writing in my journal, listening to music.

The ugly? Ha. It's all over the place. My mama told me, over the weekend, that sometimes I say the meanest things before I realize it. Or I always assume others know when I'm being facetious.


Point taken, Vicky Clause.

I've had to look back lately.

Hurt is so hard to get over. I know, March was going to be difficult. I knew how hard it was going to be. Continuing to let go, and to move on. It was hard to let go of my marriage.

Open minded?
Sometimes, it's impossible.

Sometimes, it backfires.

It leaves you unapproachable.

My issues? It's not trust. Or cheating. Or fear of people leaving me.

Is hope. That's my issue. I am so hopeful, that it makes me shake.

Wearily, I feel like I'm just waiting. Waiting for the good. I already battled the bad and the ugly.

For the time being. Sometimes, all I want is a good hug. A tiny little moment of it's gonna be alright......

I heard a sermon yesterday. It was by the great Dr. Charles Stanley.
He was at his church in Atlanta.
In the great state of Georgia.
His message? It was about doing our best.
About how parents can cultivate their children.
He spoke about his mother.

How his mother always told him to do his best.

Well, did you try your best? Yes. Then you did all you could do.

That was how my parents were. School was so difficult for me. I hated it. It's a 1997 miracle I was able to get out of high school. they encouraged me, but to do my best, and even when my best wasn't the standard, they accepted me.

A flicker of encouragement can light the fire...

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