Monday, April 20, 2009

Groundhog Day

Let me start with one simple statement. My partner in crime is not who you think it is. It will be the last person you suspect. It's not Vicky Clause either.....

This person has backed me through many asinine ideas, ploys, plots, and has also set things on fire with me. Do you smell smoke? Yes, Betty, Where there's smoke, there's fire.

It's Angie. It's so Angie. I can come up with so many ideas of destruction and nightmarish outcomes, she's along for the ride, if not pulled along the ground by my raging horses of intent. Yes, just like the Hounds of Hell.

Snapping at your heels, just about to catch you.

Read any good fortune cookie thingys lately?
Here are two found. Randomly.

You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.

Focus on your long-term goal. Good things will soon happen.

So even though you're still trying like hell to throw me under the bus. I forgive you. It's the right thing to do. I don't lose sleep over it. I comprehend that we have nothing to gain from each other. It's not like you read this. He said to write it out. Or email it. Longhand. That's my shizzy. I like classic. I like to be remembered. I also like to go out in a big ball of flames. Jealous? You should be.

I love how you drove your guilt into the ground. You knew exactly where I would look.
Are you just so lonely?
Let me reiterate. I'm just not that lonely yet.

Read carefully, I would rather drive the 10 billion miles, or fly down to Tx, which I am not a good flier, and you know my anxiety issues, I would rather drive the 4 hours to Possum Holler and back again, get in my Cruella DeVille car and drive to Arden, just to let you know, I have true friends. Who love the fuck out of me. They welcome me with such open arms, they know the things that have transpired over the past year, were not my fault. Understand? Not my fault. Yeah, I'm damaged. I'm a goshdarned dalmatian!!!!(beautiful dogs, temperament issues)

They dig my paranoia, or neediness, or positive nature when it comes to call. It's not my bag that you can't comprehend the absolute message behind The Beatles.

Cause it's true. All You Need Is Love.

Off my soapbox.

Here's the Sunday rundown. I didn't get up for church. Which hardly ever happens. I slept. If sleep is coming to me, I want to embrace it. Those days and nights of torment have been over for the past little bit. The dogs and I layed on the couch, drank coffee, talked to Bev, raised the windows, took a deep breath, and watched Great Expectations.

Isn't it funny, how just a little, means alot? A little look. A little encouragement. A little sunshine? I love those imperfections. It breeds opportunity.

I love that part too. Where you start to wake up? Eyes fluttering? Not ready to focus. Close them a few more minutes. I knew it.

I just got up and started drawing. Sans coffee.
Eyelashes stuck together.
The biggest piece of sketch paper I could find.
It felt like a post-it note.

Sometimes, when given very little to work with,
that's when it gushes.
The passion.
Heart pounding.

I was created to do more. Feel more. Find more, Believe more.
Spread my wings just a little bit farther.

It's admirable.

My ears perked. The drive kicked in. My skin felt new.

You knew before I did.

This is the problem. When does satisfaction come full circle? There are times I pray, it never does. I can continue to desire more. The solution may never resolve. Contradiction? All around. It never leaves.

There's nothing wrong with being who you are.

Even the most tortured. The gifted. The accepted and condemned.

If I do something special, I do it for me. Cause I'm it. Self sufficient in the glass house. The wall I painted? Your interpretation will be different. I feel moved. You may feel a tinge of strings pulled in your heart.

Recognize the catalyst?
Like a snuffed out candle.

Sometimes, I feel like an old Victorian house. Pretty in it's own way. As is. It needs work. Drawing in people who would be the last to discover it. Or, I love people like me. Who like to dive in, but runs like hell when something may be difficult or scary. Go ahead, show your badge of honor. Me? Run? Me? Scared? Outta your mind. Ok, you may have a purple heart, but, can you maintain the honor?

My breathing is even different. My breathing is even different!!!!

It's so surreal. I could be so small, and lay in the corner of your eye, I set my tiny hand on your eyeball. It looked so glassy. I couldn't help but to want to touch it.

Have you ever been in a situation where, you wanted to do something, but your fear held you back? Trying to sort it out, discern what the right choice would be?

Like a glass of milk. Rich.

I could feel the fish biting. The inside of it's mouth. Suckling.
Destined to be ordinary? No. The kind of woman who couldn't be let down.

Is it literal? Do you know me? It's abstract. The colors outside the lines.

The crow in the road, or driveway, or on The Simpsons.
You can tell it's the same one, it has the little scarf on.

I'm pretty sure I had an epiphany between the sheets last night. You're right, it's not as nasty as it sounds. I rolled over, held the dog...... where's the dog? You can't yell for a deaf dog. He was on the couch. I shivered. Out of the cold? I had plenty on. I grabbed the little dog, he was not interested in my cuddling needs.

Right there, is my epiphany. I only want someone to cuddle with. Who smells good. Like, the back of their neck smells good. Ed always smelled good. It was his bald head though. Ed, also, is the only man who could understand my sleeping habits. I sleep ALL over the bed. Generally. When I'm in sleep turmoil. We lived in this duplex, the stairs didn't have a rail.... I woke up there one night. He carried me to bed. He found me asleep in the bathtub once. Then vowed to never let me bathe alone again. I always had to wait for him to get home. I think that was his favorite things about me. The whole tub bath thing. It seemed like that was the time we could communicate most effectively. He would tell me things that I hadn't a clue about. I could listen all night. That's my spirit, tell me, cause I wanna know. Back to the sleeping thing, I wake up several times through the night, repositioning myself, I would lay on top of him, not's just, that's where I could rest. He was also 6 foot something, and I'm a midget 5 foot something.

That comfort.

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