Monday, November 2, 2009

'Cause I said so.

My heart is killing me today. I cant even think where to start. I apologize for always being out in left field. It's just where I feel right. If I try any other method, I turn into a big faker. My heart hurts because my best friend is in North Carolina but I feel like she lives in Europe. I feel lost without her and Abby. I hate it. I ate breakfast standing up next to the sink staring at Abby's picture! Even though I got to talk to you this morning sweet Angie, it just has hurt me so much. I miss you. I feel scared by all these changes coming. I feel pretty anxious, I cant understand why. I miss you, Terry. I had said things would change, and I'm glad. I cant wait for Quincy to be born. I cant imagine how life is going to be for you all from this day out. I'm quite jealous to be honest with you. If you haven't picked up on this yet, I am experiencing raging hormones. The whole experience is scaring me.

I haven't seen Sue in 2 fucking months. This is really putting a burr in my saddle. I just fucking miss you, okay?

I just don't want to lose myself. I need my own identity, my own life, but I also need to have some sense of security too. I am a tense ball of frustration. I feel like nesting, and cleaning. I feel like disappearing. I feel like "The Boss," Bruce Springsteen in "Dancing in the dark." Some of the greatest lyrics EVER.

I always thought I needed a brilliant mimic of how it should be. Or should have been. I was "supposed" to be a Mama, I was "supposed" to be a great man's wife. But I'm not. Yet. Right now it looks like I have been living exactly how it is for me. I can't wait to make it through this week. I'm barely hanging on, just to be blunt about it.

I realize life would be a lot easier if I didn't feel as if I were being screamed at 100% of the time and made to feel "hard to handle." (I am my toughest critic.) Right? But you work with what you have and continue to hope for the best. I don't feel like feeling guilty today or acting unreasonable. I'm not going to lie. I wish I were on a wild adventure and traveling the world, and at the end of the day telling you all about it.

But the phone rings. Off the hook. I cannot turn on a stream of full concentration.

Dear Lord, help me get through the tumultuous feelings and emotions my body procures. This is just a moment in time that catapults me into the future. I play coy and naive, even though I already know how bright the path is, or is going to be. I am thankful for you Grace. Amen.

Guess I'm back on top, and not being held up by false faith. I'm terrified of losing it. Looks like I'm just human after all.

Have I mentioned how I can't wait to see/hang/play with The Nason household? I'm curious about the photo's you found at the antique shop. I can't wait to talk over coffee. I need a little fix.
I might not feel so melancholy. I have a ton of ideas. Hair is on the forefront. Call me obsessively after dinner. Please. That goes for any of you reading this. I'm just that bossy today.

The season is changing. My heart has definitely been changing. I don't recognize the woman in the mirror sometimes. She looks so innocent but knowing at the same time. I love her but I want her to know how much better she can be. I empathize with the helpless feeling on her face even though she lives a productive life. A funny thing I do, is stare at myself and open and close my eyes really fast and it reminds me of film in the 20's. I see different lifetimes. Sometimes I daydream about what the future holds. How I will be changing and evolving even more.

If you need me, I will be sitting in the dirt basement along with the canned jelly my Mamaw made eons ago. I just don't have the heart to throw them away.


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