Monday, November 23, 2009

Long Suffering

Unbelievably, this work week has not ended and will not end until next Tuesday. I worked yesterday. I spent 6 hours at the workhouse, which is great. I am fortunate to have a steady job. This I realize, and I'm trying not to take for granted. Dr. J and I talked for a good minute last night and I love those moments like that with her. She always takes the time to make you feel like a part of the team. Whatever the position. Dr. Cathy and Dr. Laurel are 2 women I admire greatly. With a gleam in my eye last evening, I needed to go to Wal-Mart. Listen kitten. I NEVER EVER go to that place. I just don't. I usually do not have ANY reason to pass through the meat processing plant that folks go to in herds. No. Not me. I resist. I HAD to go. Boo. I thought. Okay. I have a list. A small list, I do have purpose. All of a sudden, I am SURROUNDED. I put my head down, grab what I need and run furiously to get in line. This is where the respectful side of me comes in. THERE ARE 4 LANES OPEN. 4 LANES? REALLY? I allow some older women ahead of me. They have less items than me. I stare. I wait. I become glossy eyed. I become a tad ill. I SWEAR to myself I WILL NOT BE BACK until, here it is...... drum roll please!!!! Next year. January, if it can be helped. I just refuse. I tag along to Food City. I need provisions for the week, and upcoming Thanksgiving shenanigan supplies also. Food City was a better experience, but it was little more hairy than usual. EEEEEEeeeee.

Have I mentioned my well is on the fritz at the house? Daddy is all to hell about it. In turn, this makes me all to hell also. There is a ton on my mind, so forgive me. It's gonna be dicey. I need a shower. I mean, I NEED a shower. I also NEED clean water for the dogs. I'm gonna be in and out all week, and this makes me edgy. Anxious. I can already feel the cutting words come out of me. Jeez. I am going to work out today because while in said ridiculous line at Wal-Mart I was able to read about Jennifer Anniston's beach body and how to get it. That's one problem solved.

Here's my BIG problem. I have doggies who rely on me to take care of them. Kenneled doggies. My work schedule? M, T, W, THURSDAY, F, and Saturday. Plus, I am house sitting/dog sitting until Sunday also. I have incredible guilt. I can't do everything. BUT I have no choice to. I have limited help. I have limited time. I am going to be a ball of frustration. Did I mention I'm on edge?

Which brings me to an iceberg of unhappiness. Also, realizing my past choices continues to influence my life today. Making bad choices will continue to reflect. I have B to help. Which is awesome. He can help with Champ, and I trust him to help with Champ. That's the biggie. If you do not have understanding, then you have no business to be around my dog. B follows my EXACT instruction with Champ. Thank goodness. What's my point talking about bad choices and the past and bringing up the dogs? Well, I had a lapse in judgement. I allowed someone else to make bad choices for me when I KNEW I would be the only one responsible enough to take care of things. I also had been told HOW MUCH I DIDN'T WORK. Ha. When I talk about this I want to
A. Drive a camaro.
C. Drink a ton of whiskey.
D. Shoot guns. And lot's of 'em.

At one point we had 5 dogs. Count 'em. 5 DOGS. omg. One went with T, one I gave away after T had brought a BABY BOXER PUPPY to my house. He could always say no to me, but NOT TO ANYONE ELSE. Intense? You have no idea. Down to 3, T was supposed to take Ladybird. Of course, he didn't. And of course, I'm glad. She is at home. Free to run and play, and be watched over since she has epilepsy. She's just MY dog. Even though she was a BIRTHDAY present to T. I know, I know, REMEMBER? Lapse of judgement? Bad choices? My point? No longer manipulated by it and getting a handle on it all, this is my load to bear. I can't stand the upcoming week, the step brothers will eat my face. I'm worried it all can't be done. As usual though, I will do it. I will get it done. Fenced in backyard or not.

Which brings me to an article I had read. It was about making the choice NOT to have children. This is near and dear to me. My dear friends, you know I do not have any of my own offspring. Which can be a burr. People with children are more important. They get to leave early form work, when I have to stay. When did my rights become more negotiable? I have just as much, if not more responsibility. I love children. I think they are wonderful. But if I just procreated just for the sake of procreating this would make me as much of a sham as an ABUSIVE parent. See my logic? I also read a sentence that helped me immensely as of late.

Repeat after me. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Repeat this day in, day out, especially when you feel stressed, or having a finger pointed at you-but-not-really-because-this-is-your-personality and you feel guilty for no reason? Yeah, and this is why I wear the TRUST IN THE LORD bracelet Angie gave me for my bday. These two items have held me through. During doubt, frustration, and given me the courage not to break down. You can't have my bracelet, but I encourage to you to have a focus item when freaked. I have a PHD in this junk.

I also read an article about men our age having mid-life crisis at 35. This is the new 40 apparently. Men our age do not want responsibility or anything. Hell, they want to live on a island by themselves. But fuck women over while doing so. Sorry asshole. I encourage ladies to shut the p*&^%y factories down, and decide, are these 30 something cold fish men a means to invest in? The answer is no.

You will invent things up about yourself, stuck with bills and dogs/children only YOU will be responsible for. These are my issues. This is why I go to counseling. This is the reason I can forge on. And not buy into liars. I will not be married or have another realationship where only I am pulling weight in every aspect. If you are living with me, thinking of living with me, YOU better figure out YOUR shit and know I will COUNT on you, and not coddle you like a child. Have 2 legs to stand on, and pursue me like you REALLY want a life with me. Imitators will not be accepted.

In hind sight of being a person who has been rejected...... At times, not knowing why, I know the reason now why said individuals could not be in my life. THEY DID NOT FIT IN. We were not a match, and I need an individual who will listen and learn in order to be a part of ME. Some of you are married. Some of you still haven't learned this lesson. Some of you are living with an individual who doesn't understand you. AND I HATE IT. Keep this in mind, things can always change. They will too. By your hand, or something unforseen. It would/will take time.

I get all "What about Bob" here. Baby steps. Have the nuts to take those baby steps. Enlighten yourself. It's gonna be scary. Hell, I'm still on the ledge here smokin' camels and darin' B to take one step closer. Thank God he WANTS to. And this is what I want for you too.

Forgive me for the rant. Better out than in, that goes for farts, burps, and emotions.


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