Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Help Wanted!!!!

Just hang out with your partner.

Just get up.

Just don't be so barky.

Just put a little effort in.

Just stop bitching.

Just get off your ass.

Just do it.

It couldn't hurt, right?

This is what you have done to me. I wish you could take some kind of accountability. I wish you hadnt made me feel so insecure. I wish you hadnt treated me like a child. I wish that you had wanted to take care of me, and that it wasnt some kind of chore you had to endure. I wish you could have used some other word other than "burden" to describe me in your life. When it came to my needs, I wish you hadnt acted as if I were the least important thing going on. I wish I had slapped the fuck out of you when you had stolen all that cash out of my purse. IT was always what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too. I had never experienced the emotions you had giftted to me. I remember clearly one night after giving you what you wanted, and crying in the bathroom. You had even checked on me. I turned on the washer to drown it all out. After I had gotten back in bed, you so artfully grabbed my waist and told me you love me in that patronizing voice of "just kidding." My stomach hurts right now as I allow myself to recount exact emotions I had to endure. What a nightmare. Turns out, I have to continue to be accountable as you raise your bastard child and rock your whore into false security. I hate you so much that I get overwhelmed and STILL want, and I do forgive you for the damage YOU caused. (Anyone judging me or wanting to discuss this with anyone, please don't.)

The great thing about myself is that I KNOW I have fucked up. I still do. I still feel bad. I still feel unworthy. Again, this is why I am taking care of myself and going back to counseling. My heart is still very tender. I will not allow any more damage. That's why I had to let go of bad friendships also.

I thought I was dead.

I was a ghost.

I floated through work. I was a zombie until I had to go back to work. Then I vomited every day before going home. Alone. Then I vomited more when I discovered I was even more alone at home. Then I cried myself to sleep. Then, I woke up for the day and vomited more. Usually after I got dressed.

That period of my life was when I didnt want to drink coffee in the morning.

I still didnt show my ass. I still didnt careen into the parking lot when I saw the video of you cheating. You had always wanted me to know how much pain I had caused you. Even when it was minimal to the daily damage you wanted me to endure. Your brother was always right. I always needed to make more money. I was always a failure, even though I was told that I worked too hard. I was eager to please you. Until I stopped pleasing you. I sure as hell didnt want to give you blow jobs and pretend to have an orgasms, just so you could feel better about yourself.

P.S. I asked my doctor, and a woman's vagina doesnt have nerve endings inside it. IT's literally impossible for a woman to climax unless appropriately stimulated. Google this if you have a doubt.

And yes, I am still a Miss Know It All.

So fuck you, fly straight, and fly right.

I am on a hike today and greatly satisfied. Yes, I am a fortune teller also.

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