Thursday, May 7, 2009

Little OctoPussy

Listen, It's already been the longest day, and it's only 7. War is hell. Even after watching OctoPussy. My mood is dangerous. Tough morning, until I just told myself. It's ok. Smile.

The song on the way? I will buy you a new life. Yep. Everclear. Proportionally blessed to be able to pick up 105.3 at my house, in the woods.

Stuck in the middle with you. Not the song, in real time.

Back to OctoPussy. Brilliant James Bond flick. I could barely keep my eyes open through the circus part. And that's an awesome part!!! I would wake up and reply to my text messages. Hoping to be nestled in some one's heart. Hoping for their guilt. I thought, do they know?

Nothing, is always something.

Phrases heard at bath time: Big boys stay still while getting a bath!!!

In the make-shift weaponry laboratory, Bond states, " Trouble keeping it up? "
Rope goes limp. I think the movie was supposed to be set in India. I can't remember.

The tattoo? Oh, that's my little OctoPussy.

Her way of getting out of dodge?

Tying her dress to the balcony, she shimmy's down. Beautiful. Lands right on her feet, appears in a sweet bikini. The dude wraps a robe around her, she slips in the car.

Which proves my theory. I could be a James Bond Villain. I dig bikini's. I dig escape. I dig making you wonder. And stealing Faberge eggs. Cause, that's what OctoPussy is about.

I know I could be one of the naked ladies in the beginning of the Bond movies.

There's so much you don't know about!!!

But no, you slipped out, and played dumb, and used a pathetic excuse to make yourself feel better. The truth is, it made you very sad.

Actually, you just got busted. Hear the sirens? Close behind, baby.
You, were busted.
You, had feelings. ( and, they freaked you out. )

I rocked 'em, and rolled 'em.....

You wish I could stop talking about it.

Promises of debauchery were not fulfilled. Dreams dashed.
Debauchery could have filled the space in between. And it has.

Just with some one else.

The gall this one boy has. I just wish I could figure you out.
That's where you fuck up.
I don't want to be figured out.
The honest truth?
There just isn't rhyme or reason for me.
The folks who really invest in me, and see me....
NOTE: See me. Take me.

This precious, motley crew, have learned me. They have learned who, what, when, where, I am.

Put yourself in my shoes, look inside my glass globe. Remain hypnotized by the snow inside.


Like yesterday. All week. Last week. I am staying positive. I am not going to let the little things get at me. I will be fine. It's ok.


Very hard day.

5A.M. - Wake up, feed boys, start my coffee, pick up book, lay on couch, turn on the radio, take boys out, worry.

I just don't feel right today. ( She's running to stand still. )

I went to work. I, functioned at work. Got over my attitude. Washing my hands of the situation helped. Fine through the morning. Until, this guy asked what happened to my face.
I have a strawberry on my chin. It's from roller skating with Liz, and she pushed me down.

She did apologize.

2:55P.M.- Meltdown beginning. I felt my head change. Anxious.

3:00P.M. - Worms working their pitiful way through my brain.

3:10P.M. - Driving home. Full fledged attack.

My heart was beating so fast. I was burning up. I couldn't cool off. I tried to focus. The bad part? I was focused on the tremors that began. I was terrified of the thoughts I was experiencing.
I was freaked. I couldn't call. Shaking, dropping the car down in neutral. Parked.

I somehow make it home. Shaking. Talking myself down. I couldn't sit. Stare. Radio on. Start laundry. Shaking. Heart beating in my ears. Too many thoughts to process. Too much. Turn it off. Radio off. Washing machine, off.

I shed my clothes with a quickness, layed on the bed. Talked to Sue. Cried. Sobbed. Worry. Fear. So fearful. I wanted to kill it with a bow and arrow.

She said, The expectations you have for yourself are too high right now.

She's right.

It made me a little bit sad.

It made me feel like I had been seen.

Her words empowered me.

Too hard on yourself.

Wicked. Wicked panic attack.

If I could have, I would have gotten out an exacto knife, and cut the carpet open, so I could lay underneath it. It's so scary. My chest so tight. Unable to get a handle.

I took a small nap. 15 minutes.

My Daddy had come by, so we walked the farm. I helped with the barbed wire. Daddy had a lot of questions for me. I thought, he knows. He knows, my wicked state of mind.

It does help for me to get out on the farm. It's a secret lair.

More confirmation, that I, am human. That I, am just fine. I was better for moving through it. I was a better girl for the survival of it all. I was just perfect.

Terry and I went to walk, we sat by the water. He had bought some new shoes. I had shoe envy. It's true. I settled down, more, and more, if I stay in motion, the relief cradles me.

Bed check was a breeze.

I ramble home around 9:30. Shower. Love on the dogs. Read. Write. TV on.
I sat outside on the steps and took in the moon. Not quite full. Almost.

My day was actually a good day. It was again, different.

I think I'm ok with that.

Pray. Sit. Wait.

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