Saturday, May 23, 2009

Shades of Blue

Eye contact. Is important. It validates the person you are speaking to, and gives them a sense of belonging. That they are the focus point. Too much is going on these days. Too much to distract us from the honest, lovely things in our lives.

I had a feeling. A feeling of relief, and realization. That, I was happy. Happy to be divorced. Happy to be out of a marriage that consumed me as a person, and not in a good way.

Those are very difficult words to type. Or utter. Or think about.

I prayed another prayer. To let me find it. I am not a person that can thrive alone. I need fuel. And that's the truth. I need a push. I crave encouragement.
I, love, love. All love.

My friendships. My family. I, love, love. My pets.

I have no clue what it is like to be a Mama. No clue.

I know what it feels like to be a dog Mama. Listen, granted, Champ is a dog. But, he has taught me more, and loved me more than anything in this world in just 2 years. I am always needed by Champ.

Like you, if you are a parent, you know what your children need. It's unspoken.
It unlocks your mind.

And, I am the only one who knows what Champ needs. I anticipate his needs. Rhythm.

The guilt? The worry? How will my actions reflect on my child?

Just a dog at a glance. But he's my comfort. He sleeps with me nose to nose.
If I cry, he sits in my life, and almost hugs me.
(where I typed life, I really meant, lap, but, life seems more fitting.)

It may sound crazy, but he's just my lifesaver.

So when I do become a Mama, I may not be ready. When, I do become a Mama. I do have patience. And the most important ingredient, love.

Self-sacrifice. I know some about.

My heart kinda hurts today. It just does.

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